THE DEPARTED
When I saw this film for the first time in 2006, I was smitten. THE DEPARTED is an awesome fuckin' movie. But more importantly—it is the definitive movie about the American male. Bar none. And furthermore, it is the most unapologetic masculine movie to hit the theaters this decade.
What I love most about it is the subtext. While this isn't a David Lynch film, it is quite heady. Nobody is drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon or stabbing their mutant baby with a pair of scissors (I believe two scenes of shit like that would make it a five star movie instead of a four, however). On the surface, THE DEPARTED appears to be a "crime saga" motion picture. Sure, on a literal level, that is what it is. However, on a critical level, there is so much more than meets the eye.
THE DEPARTED is a metaphor for the declining state of the modern American Male.
Each of the major players represents various figures of male identity. Jack Nicholson and Martin Sheen respectively embody father figures. Albeit, one is twisted and malevolent, while the other repentant and benevolent.
They're just fodder. Costello and Queenan are little more than perfunctory roles in basic male development. The meat of this fable essentially belongs to DiCaprio and Damon, who both symbolize the crisis of the modern identity crises amongst those who sport pork-swords. Hear me out.
Matt Damon as Colin Sullivan is what you'd call a "douchebag". Come down to it, he's a cocky lil' motherfucker. He's in tip-top physical shape and he kisses ass to garner promotions from his bosses. The camaraderie he shares with women makes him successful in fucking them. They also like him so as he is indestructible in cataclysmic automobile collisions and at making the camera shake sporadically during chaotic fight scenes as to induce involuntary seizures.
He dresses like money; he makes a lot of money 'cause he informs the mob on police operations. So…I suppose that makes him money, huh?
Not quite. He's a conniving, "…two-faced faggot" according to DiCaprio's Billy Costigan. Now, Costigan is what you'd call a "pussy". He's an incessant, anxiety-ridden whiner. Nobody respects him, everybody treats him like shit—that is if they even acknowledge his existence whatsoever. Unlike "Douchebag" Sullivan, he does possess redeeming traits. He's essentially the only character who is noble and paradoxically maintains the courage to infiltrate Costello's crime syndicate.
So, here we have the douchebag and the pussy. Two alternate paradigms, constantly at war with each other. How do you deepen the conflict?
Throw in another pussy. Albeit, a hairier one.
Some lady (I don't know her name) plays [who cares] who dates the douchebag and fucks the pussy one rainy night 'cause the local Korean carry-out was shut down by the DOH and she needed her fix or something, I guess. I don't know.
So here we have it. The douchebag and pussy are now fighting over a pussy. The father figures are either threatening them or patting them on the back for a job well done, etc. So…how does director Martin "Fuckin'" Scorsese thicken the plot?
Enter a MAN. Not just any man. THE MAN. The most masculine man in human history. The man who conquered the PLANET OF THE APES. Who outran gusts of wind and spouted off impromptu anecdotes regarding cough syrup. Let me ask you: Who else could theatrically deep-dick Julianne Moore so hard that she would agree to appear in THE LOST WORLD?
Marky Mark as Dignam.
Now think about that for a minute. We don't know if Dignam is his first name or last. It's irrelevant. That's one masculine fuckin' name. DIGNAM. Shit, I'd go so far as to say that's the most mannish moniker this side of MAX or DECAPITATOR.
And he's a badass. He talks shit to everybody, he lets everybody know they're shit and he don't take no shit. If you cross him, he'll make you red in the face by either yelling at you HARDCORE or just straight out decking you one. He'll even trade in his trademark backwards baseball cap for a five dollar beanie if the situation calls for it.
In short, this is one motherfucker you just don't fuck with. A perfect specimen of raw male machismo.
You see, that's all we have now: Pussies and douchebags, respectively. And it fuckin' sucks. Pussies always whine 'cause they can't get what they want ('cause they're weak) and they're jealous of douchebags 'cause DBs get what they want (e.g.: The pussy gets a douchebag's table scraps of vagina and asks for seconds). And that sucks too 'cause the only thing these fucktards deserve is a closed-coffin funeral…without an audience to send them off.
But alas! We have Marky Mark. He's an ambassador of man-justice. When a DB fucks a pussy (figuratively) for his own personal gain, he springs into action sporting man-booties and shoots the motherfucker in the face. Spoilers.
This guy is a much needed return to the art of chivalry. And he doesn't even need chicks. He only requires a surrogate face to abuse.
That's the true, blue definition of what a fuckin' MAN should be.
I say, fuck the both of 'em. I wanna be more like Marky Mark. You should too.
(Good movie, by the way…forgot to mention that)
--Don't die in a fire--
RFB
Afterword: Dignam is getting his own movie from what I hear. Maybe it's because everybody else died. Or maybe it's because he's such an awesome manly-man. ???
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
THE DARK KNIGHT
THE DARK KNIGHT
I could start this review a thousand different ways. I could begin by telling you how big of a fan I am of the BATMAN mythos. How important these stories are to me. I could start off by saying that the original BATMAN wasn't up to par and took two of the greatest literary characters of American history and converted them into perfunctory summer blockbuster caricatures. I could talk about how the JOKER is quite possibly my favorite fictional character or how I feel that he is the most menacing villain of all time.
I shall start out like this:
It is a great time to be a movie fan. Within the past year, we've been handed three of the greatest movies of all time. Not good (as in obligatory Oscar bait). Not of the "year". Not of the decade. Of all time. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. THERE WILL BE BLOOD. WALL-E. Each of the films features iconic, indelible characters. Anton Chigurh. Daniel Plainview. The Waste Allocation Load Lifter-Earth Class robot.
And if this wasn't enough, THE DARK KNIGHT rips through the summer like a blitzkrieg attack on London. Nolan and Co. offer a revamp on a character unlike anything we've ever seen before. And it kicks you in the ass and keeps on truckin’.
I'm gonna split up the categories on this one. I’m going to observe the proverbial, “…elephant-in-the-room” ‘cause I’m sure that’s what most of you are interested in.
THE LEDGOKER (AKA "FREAK" AKA DEAD HEATH BAR)
Metaphorically, Gotham City is Jake Gyllenhaal's asshole from Brokeback Mountain. The Joker is Heath Ledger's cock from the aforementioned picture. Now, take the tent scene where Heath pounds Jake's ass raw (with minimal lubrication!) and multiply that by a thousand.
THE DARK KNIGHT is essentially a two-hour thrill ride where the LEDGOKER sodomizes Donnie Darko's asshole without question, without mercy and without qualm. Needless to say, the punishment is severe.
The Joker is the very definition of evil. In various forms of media, evil is empathized or given some form of hubris. This is done to establish some form of twisted humanity. Villains are often ordinary people who are unable to squelch their desires for greed, power, vengeance, etc. And if the Joker was to be hindered by any form of hubris it would be that regardless of the destruction he reaps, he cannot be killed. The monster is a malevolent force of nature that endangers or corrupts anything he comes into contact with. His daily mass-murdering activities are little more than a game...A game that often invokes unenthusiastic victims.
Jack Nicholson kinda fucked it up as far as I’m concerned. He lacked the demonic, ethereal qualities the Joker has personified over the decades. While I love Jack; while I love his portrayal of the Joker, it was kind of weak, pedestrian performance merely enhanced by his infectious mania. Mark Hamill’s cartoon Joker from the 1990's cartoon was the most accurate and menacing adaptation of the clown prince of crime, I feel. The Joker’s inherent sadism was toned down and frequently absent as it was a cartoon aimed at children. They weren't allowed to take it as far as, say…Alan Moore’s THE KILLING JOKE or Ed Brubaker’s THE MAN WHO LAUGHS.
I have waited all of my life to see an iteration of a JOKER this cruel. The Ledgoker has absolutely no morals or regard for human life (including his own) whatsoever. And that is the fathom of absolute evil. It isn't concerned with power. It doesn't want to consume the world. It doesn't want to drink your milkshake. Absolute evil frankly has one agenda to fulfill: The punishment of ordinary civilian life. From the Columbine shootings to the horrific events of September 11th, most of us have witnessed unfathomable horror from a perspective that is too close for comfort. That’s the point, though. Induce irrevocable damage on a grand scale and in turn, induce panic at a cataclysmic level. The Ledgoker concocts and executes his plan like a mastermind…and you won’t take your eyes off of him for a second.
Heath, my boy. You died far too young. This film would've catapulted him to the stratosphere of the A-list. Metaphorically, he is the devil; the personification of faceless anarchy. Slithering around like a cosmic, unstoppable force. Spouting off half-lies and half-truths; taking sport in manipulating anybody in order to fulfill his psychotic, multi-layered scheme. As the initial plan twists or spoil in some way, his maneuvers and plotting evolve to exploit the escalating madness that has infiltrated the streets of Gotham. It isn’t about killing people, necessarily. That’s a bonus to him, after all. It’s about hurting them; deconstructing the victim-in-question until there is nothing left but an unfamiliar husk.
Anybody who is not familiar with the Alan Moore version of the Joker will more than likely not notice this at first. Watching this psychotic freak terrorize the citizens of Gotham was darkly humorous and simultaneously dreadful. Not to give too much away, but The Ledgoker essentially wins on some diminutive level. He cuts the central characters fairly deep by movie’s end and their lives will never be the same. Even though he is "stopped", it is irrelevant. He looks at himself as an agent of chaos, one willing to ascend to a martyr of chaos. He is more than willing to take a few punches to get what he wants. Pretty grim shit for a PG-13 movie featuring comic book characters who are sponsored by Kellogg’s. I like to see the bad guy win. After all, this interpretation of the series is more akin to reality, ain't it?
THE BATMAN (AKA THE DARK KNIGHT)
One of the problems with the live action Caped Crusader flicks was that he was not THE DARK KNIGHT (not a pun). He was just some asshole in a bat costume. The persona of the Batman was not fully fleshed out in previous entries—including BATMAN BEGINS. Regardless of his fancy-schmancy attire, I could never view him as the Batman from the comics.
Irony aside, albeit this is the first Batman movie to not feature his primary moniker in the title, this is the definitive Caped Crusader. The Batman. The Dark Knight.
Here, he's mean, he’s lean...a fighting machine. The action sequences were a much needed improvement over BATMAN BEGINS as in the original, the scuffles were practically indiscernible. The giddiest aspect of THE DARK KNIGHT is that Bruce Wayne (clad in Bat-ears or not) endeavors on several detective stints. He is known as the WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE for a reason. And here, we see him utilize odd technology and abrasive interrogative strategies to put the pieces together of this travesty of a terrorist puzzle. The middle of the film, with the forensics, the "ongoing investigation" and shakedown of Eric Roberts (That’s a HARDCORE moment) were my favorite sequences of the movie. Just nice to see Batman explored fluidly and with the utmost respect. The new costume was a bit bothersome, even though it was better than the Nomex suit from part I, nonetheless. Note: Needs to wear spandex. Well, not necessarily spandex. The Armed Forces are working on a lightweight Kevlar armor no less thick than my T-shirt. I don't know...why doesn’t Nolan incorporate that into the story instead of the uncomfortable infantry battle armor? And let's quit with the black shit, huh? Many bats are grey on the underneath. Idea for part III: have Bats create a lightweight Kevlar costume containing a bit more then a hint of grey. Include the character of Edna Mode from THE INCREDIBLES and have her design it. That way it doesn’t come off as a superfluous sequence bogged down in unnecessary exposition.
I hated the Sonar, by the way. The construction site battle came close to "Nuking-the-fridge" or “nippling-the-batman”. But not quite.
HARVEY DENT (AKA TWO-FACE)
Enter the White Knight of Gotham. Harvey Dent is the latest District Attorney seeking to cut off the flow of crime. A man whose balls are so brass that he inspires the good in this metropolis of decadence; who is willing to take the punches (not too hard, though). (Take note, Lucas. This is how you portray a tragic villain.) If the Joker's plan had not come to fruition, Dent would've inspired the citizens of Gotham City to reclaim their home by facing corruption head on and not backing down regardless of the threats or consequences.
Harvey Dent is the Barack Obama of white people.
That is before he gets fucked up hardcore and begins to act a motherfuckin' fool. So, I don't know. More power to him, I guess. Aaron Eckhart kicks ass as an actor. I liked him more in THANK YOU FOR SMOKING, however. I guess it's because he's nicer to look at (in a non-homo way...the man has the most masculine traits of all time) when he isn't missing half of his face and trying to murder children by threatening them with a revolver. I don't know. Perhaps I'm vain.
LIEUTENENT JIM GORDON (AKA COMMISSIONER GORDON)
I love Gary Oldman. He is quite possibly my favorite character actor. When I first heard of BATMAN BEGINS and discovered that he was playing Gordon, I said (paraphrasing), "Fuckin' A!” The previous films treated Batman's second best friend and ally as an absolute incompetent doofus. In these films, he's a prominent character; he's like the Han Solo to Batman’s Luke Skywalker. And I like that. Gordon is a badass character (see Frank Miller's BATMAN: YEAR ONE) and it's good to see him receive the treatment he deserves.
STORY
All 152 minutes of this film is ass-kick. There are plot twists and tonal shifts that completely threw me off guard—and I had a 90% understanding on the overall plot. THE DARK KNIGHT begins like a 70’s bank-heist noir. It quickly shifts to your typical Batman plot. As the film introduces the secondary players and subplots, the perfunctory superhero yarn is quickly fastened on hiatus and we watch a crime saga stem from the remains. The minute the Ledgoker reveals that he does not aim to intimidate the citizens of Gotham with empty threats; the film descends into DIRTY HARRY/SEVEN territory. The end certifies this picture as a powerful Greek tragedy. We feel the anguish and we certainly feel the impending dread of this standoff all the way up to the credits. And while the film is damn near three hours long, it never once overstays its welcome. The time flew by seamlessly.
DIRECTION, CINEMATOGRAPHY, SCORE, ETC.
This is the miscellaneous section. Um, the direction is spectacular. Nolan is living up to the SPIELBERG OF OUR TIME award that many people are throwing at him. Every movie of Nolan’s is filled-to-the brim with compelling characters complete with thought-provoking subtext to boot. I personally feel that THE DARK KNIGHT is the pinnacle of limited albeit impressive filmography. Distinctly an unbiased metaphor for 9/11 and the aftermath, it provides a plethora of "food-for-thought" dissimilar to other fright-inducing, catastrophic-themed films by means of exploring the social and political changes brought on by a hellish day of disaster. This is a social examination of America, told through the microcosmic point-of-view of the most fucked up fictional city on this Earth. Seriously…Gotham City is like Liberty City from the GRAND THEFT AUTO video games. Terrorist serial killer clowns (not from outer space) and a traumatized playboy bachelor dressed up as a ninja Doberman pincher. That shit ain’t in the game. The last movie featured Liam Neeson and his army of well-financed ninjas hijacking monorails and burning down mansions. Shit ain't normal. And perhaps I don't have the correct cheat codes for GTA IV, but it would be cool if your character could dress as a psycho killer clown (not from outer space) and ram stationary pencils into people's eyes. Fuck carjackings. Let's get innovative. Rockstar Games developers are beginning to lose the lead from their pencils, let me tell ya.
Cinematography was stunning. The skyscrapers were impressive especially as all of those scenes were filmed in IMAX. Having the on-set location of Chicago gave viewers a sense of much-needed variety, as most blockbusters shoot on-location at NYC. Fuck NYC. Let's face it. When it comes to the Big Apple, that town is the quintessential arena for various forms of Pwn'age. On celluloid, NYC has faced destruction from the martians from INDEPENDENCE DAY, THE PLANET OF THE APES, the ice storm from that one liberal propaganda movie, AI and CLOVERFIELD. In real life, they are cursed with The Yankees, MTV studios and a real-life Ground Zero.
FAIL.
Chicago has Al Capone. Chicago wins! Don't wanna fuck with that town. Shit, only the Joker would be crazy enough to fuck with Chicago. You could reawaken the dead spirit of Capone and I don't think he'd take kindly to you tampering with his renowned stance on prohibition. Screw that noise. Watch THE UNTOUCHABLES. Motherfucker had the world's greatest batting average in his day. Who needs that shit? I don't. Got enough problems as it is.
THE DARK KNIGHT has some of the most breathtaking action sequences I've ever seen (the batpod chase...Ho. Lee. Shit.) even if the editing was a bit shoddy in some of those sequences (note: The IMAX cameras are ridiculously heavy, jarringly noisy and can only carry three minutes of continuous film footage). This does not take away from the true feat of the film:the performances. Most of which are top-of-the-game and Oscar-Worthy. The story was fairly simple, yet layered. There was an imminent doom pacing up the spine of the narrative and it culminates in a heart-stopping finale.
As for the score: I liked it much more than BEGINS. The score for BATMAN BEGINS grew grating over time (that was the point of the score though; to establish mood whilst enhancing the insight of growing psychosis within the titular character) this score is a bit more conventional. However, I will say that it is more effective. I do believe Batman gets his own theme; a motif if you will. In the last film he had no definitive theme. I don't really know what the hell his "theme" was throughout the film (or where it appeared for that matter), but from the score I've listened to, it could be a combination of several motifs used in the original movie. Good shit, though. An apple to Danny Elfman’s orange, THE DARK KNIGHT’S score is as audibly heroic when called for. The Joker's theme, on the other hand, is as disturbing as the character on screen. It's like a cross between Jonny Greenwood's tracks from THERE WILL BE BLOOD and Clint Mansell's "Lux Aeterna" from REQUIEM FOR A DREAM.
In conclusion, this is amongst the finest genre films ever. It's the film that any and all following superhero movies will be judged. It transcends one genre of film and becomes its own amalgamation. This is like a latter year Johnny Cash record. In his waning years he covered a vast collective of variable songs, and recreated them in his own distinguishable style. THE DARK KNIGHT is a horror film, a crime thriller, a dark comedy/satire and a classical detective story. The ingredients were thrown meticulously into a blender and the restaurant has discovered a recipe for the ages. It's a fully cohesive, striking work of motion picture. I rarely say this with new releases, and I think I said it with WALL-E: This is one of the greatest movies ever made. This isn't a bias judgment from a hardcore BATMAN fan. If anything that makes me even more critical.
I have ridiculously high standards and I'm not afraid to bash something when it isn't up to par. I have even higher standards when it comes to the things that molded my childhood. I liked the SPIDER-MAN movies, sure. But I don't regard them as classics or Grade-A movies. More like mid-grade, actually. Like a Toyota, not a Lexus. SPIDER-MAN 3 was like my old beige Corolla. Six months to go on the payments and the fucker goes POOF.
I could go on and on and on about this film for hours. But I'm not going to. It really is that good. You've read all about it from other critics. For the first time in history, they're absolutely correct. To be honest, I don't believe I've ever heard this much unanimous praise for a film EVER. Everybody I've talked to about this film has loved it and is anxious to see it again.
THE DARK KNIGHT is the best summer movie since THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. And THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK is my favorite movie of all time. Do the math on that. That's how strongly I feel about this movie.
As Gordon says in the final lines of the film, that Batman was not the hero Gotham needs, but the hero Gotham deserves. This parallels my thoughts on the film. THE DARK KNIGHT is not the film we deserve, but the movie we need.
A RFB FUCKIN' SEAL OF APPROVAL MOTION PICTURE. THE DARK KNIGHT DELIVERS. AND THEN SOME.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
P.S.: Bob Hoskins as THE PENGUIN in BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT BEGINS THE CAPED CRUSADE (WITH THE BOY WONDER)! Not the actual title, but it would be a good one, I think. Look for another blog down the road where I will attempt to dissect the social and political angles of the movie. There is a lot here to digest. Savor the meal.
I could start this review a thousand different ways. I could begin by telling you how big of a fan I am of the BATMAN mythos. How important these stories are to me. I could start off by saying that the original BATMAN wasn't up to par and took two of the greatest literary characters of American history and converted them into perfunctory summer blockbuster caricatures. I could talk about how the JOKER is quite possibly my favorite fictional character or how I feel that he is the most menacing villain of all time.
I shall start out like this:
It is a great time to be a movie fan. Within the past year, we've been handed three of the greatest movies of all time. Not good (as in obligatory Oscar bait). Not of the "year". Not of the decade. Of all time. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. THERE WILL BE BLOOD. WALL-E. Each of the films features iconic, indelible characters. Anton Chigurh. Daniel Plainview. The Waste Allocation Load Lifter-Earth Class robot.
And if this wasn't enough, THE DARK KNIGHT rips through the summer like a blitzkrieg attack on London. Nolan and Co. offer a revamp on a character unlike anything we've ever seen before. And it kicks you in the ass and keeps on truckin’.
I'm gonna split up the categories on this one. I’m going to observe the proverbial, “…elephant-in-the-room” ‘cause I’m sure that’s what most of you are interested in.
THE LEDGOKER (AKA "FREAK" AKA DEAD HEATH BAR)
Metaphorically, Gotham City is Jake Gyllenhaal's asshole from Brokeback Mountain. The Joker is Heath Ledger's cock from the aforementioned picture. Now, take the tent scene where Heath pounds Jake's ass raw (with minimal lubrication!) and multiply that by a thousand.
THE DARK KNIGHT is essentially a two-hour thrill ride where the LEDGOKER sodomizes Donnie Darko's asshole without question, without mercy and without qualm. Needless to say, the punishment is severe.
The Joker is the very definition of evil. In various forms of media, evil is empathized or given some form of hubris. This is done to establish some form of twisted humanity. Villains are often ordinary people who are unable to squelch their desires for greed, power, vengeance, etc. And if the Joker was to be hindered by any form of hubris it would be that regardless of the destruction he reaps, he cannot be killed. The monster is a malevolent force of nature that endangers or corrupts anything he comes into contact with. His daily mass-murdering activities are little more than a game...A game that often invokes unenthusiastic victims.
Jack Nicholson kinda fucked it up as far as I’m concerned. He lacked the demonic, ethereal qualities the Joker has personified over the decades. While I love Jack; while I love his portrayal of the Joker, it was kind of weak, pedestrian performance merely enhanced by his infectious mania. Mark Hamill’s cartoon Joker from the 1990's cartoon was the most accurate and menacing adaptation of the clown prince of crime, I feel. The Joker’s inherent sadism was toned down and frequently absent as it was a cartoon aimed at children. They weren't allowed to take it as far as, say…Alan Moore’s THE KILLING JOKE or Ed Brubaker’s THE MAN WHO LAUGHS.
I have waited all of my life to see an iteration of a JOKER this cruel. The Ledgoker has absolutely no morals or regard for human life (including his own) whatsoever. And that is the fathom of absolute evil. It isn't concerned with power. It doesn't want to consume the world. It doesn't want to drink your milkshake. Absolute evil frankly has one agenda to fulfill: The punishment of ordinary civilian life. From the Columbine shootings to the horrific events of September 11th, most of us have witnessed unfathomable horror from a perspective that is too close for comfort. That’s the point, though. Induce irrevocable damage on a grand scale and in turn, induce panic at a cataclysmic level. The Ledgoker concocts and executes his plan like a mastermind…and you won’t take your eyes off of him for a second.
Heath, my boy. You died far too young. This film would've catapulted him to the stratosphere of the A-list. Metaphorically, he is the devil; the personification of faceless anarchy. Slithering around like a cosmic, unstoppable force. Spouting off half-lies and half-truths; taking sport in manipulating anybody in order to fulfill his psychotic, multi-layered scheme. As the initial plan twists or spoil in some way, his maneuvers and plotting evolve to exploit the escalating madness that has infiltrated the streets of Gotham. It isn’t about killing people, necessarily. That’s a bonus to him, after all. It’s about hurting them; deconstructing the victim-in-question until there is nothing left but an unfamiliar husk.
Anybody who is not familiar with the Alan Moore version of the Joker will more than likely not notice this at first. Watching this psychotic freak terrorize the citizens of Gotham was darkly humorous and simultaneously dreadful. Not to give too much away, but The Ledgoker essentially wins on some diminutive level. He cuts the central characters fairly deep by movie’s end and their lives will never be the same. Even though he is "stopped", it is irrelevant. He looks at himself as an agent of chaos, one willing to ascend to a martyr of chaos. He is more than willing to take a few punches to get what he wants. Pretty grim shit for a PG-13 movie featuring comic book characters who are sponsored by Kellogg’s. I like to see the bad guy win. After all, this interpretation of the series is more akin to reality, ain't it?
THE BATMAN (AKA THE DARK KNIGHT)
One of the problems with the live action Caped Crusader flicks was that he was not THE DARK KNIGHT (not a pun). He was just some asshole in a bat costume. The persona of the Batman was not fully fleshed out in previous entries—including BATMAN BEGINS. Regardless of his fancy-schmancy attire, I could never view him as the Batman from the comics.
Irony aside, albeit this is the first Batman movie to not feature his primary moniker in the title, this is the definitive Caped Crusader. The Batman. The Dark Knight.
Here, he's mean, he’s lean...a fighting machine. The action sequences were a much needed improvement over BATMAN BEGINS as in the original, the scuffles were practically indiscernible. The giddiest aspect of THE DARK KNIGHT is that Bruce Wayne (clad in Bat-ears or not) endeavors on several detective stints. He is known as the WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE for a reason. And here, we see him utilize odd technology and abrasive interrogative strategies to put the pieces together of this travesty of a terrorist puzzle. The middle of the film, with the forensics, the "ongoing investigation" and shakedown of Eric Roberts (That’s a HARDCORE moment) were my favorite sequences of the movie. Just nice to see Batman explored fluidly and with the utmost respect. The new costume was a bit bothersome, even though it was better than the Nomex suit from part I, nonetheless. Note: Needs to wear spandex. Well, not necessarily spandex. The Armed Forces are working on a lightweight Kevlar armor no less thick than my T-shirt. I don't know...why doesn’t Nolan incorporate that into the story instead of the uncomfortable infantry battle armor? And let's quit with the black shit, huh? Many bats are grey on the underneath. Idea for part III: have Bats create a lightweight Kevlar costume containing a bit more then a hint of grey. Include the character of Edna Mode from THE INCREDIBLES and have her design it. That way it doesn’t come off as a superfluous sequence bogged down in unnecessary exposition.
I hated the Sonar, by the way. The construction site battle came close to "Nuking-the-fridge" or “nippling-the-batman”. But not quite.
HARVEY DENT (AKA TWO-FACE)
Enter the White Knight of Gotham. Harvey Dent is the latest District Attorney seeking to cut off the flow of crime. A man whose balls are so brass that he inspires the good in this metropolis of decadence; who is willing to take the punches (not too hard, though). (Take note, Lucas. This is how you portray a tragic villain.) If the Joker's plan had not come to fruition, Dent would've inspired the citizens of Gotham City to reclaim their home by facing corruption head on and not backing down regardless of the threats or consequences.
Harvey Dent is the Barack Obama of white people.
That is before he gets fucked up hardcore and begins to act a motherfuckin' fool. So, I don't know. More power to him, I guess. Aaron Eckhart kicks ass as an actor. I liked him more in THANK YOU FOR SMOKING, however. I guess it's because he's nicer to look at (in a non-homo way...the man has the most masculine traits of all time) when he isn't missing half of his face and trying to murder children by threatening them with a revolver. I don't know. Perhaps I'm vain.
LIEUTENENT JIM GORDON (AKA COMMISSIONER GORDON)
I love Gary Oldman. He is quite possibly my favorite character actor. When I first heard of BATMAN BEGINS and discovered that he was playing Gordon, I said (paraphrasing), "Fuckin' A!” The previous films treated Batman's second best friend and ally as an absolute incompetent doofus. In these films, he's a prominent character; he's like the Han Solo to Batman’s Luke Skywalker. And I like that. Gordon is a badass character (see Frank Miller's BATMAN: YEAR ONE) and it's good to see him receive the treatment he deserves.
STORY
All 152 minutes of this film is ass-kick. There are plot twists and tonal shifts that completely threw me off guard—and I had a 90% understanding on the overall plot. THE DARK KNIGHT begins like a 70’s bank-heist noir. It quickly shifts to your typical Batman plot. As the film introduces the secondary players and subplots, the perfunctory superhero yarn is quickly fastened on hiatus and we watch a crime saga stem from the remains. The minute the Ledgoker reveals that he does not aim to intimidate the citizens of Gotham with empty threats; the film descends into DIRTY HARRY/SEVEN territory. The end certifies this picture as a powerful Greek tragedy. We feel the anguish and we certainly feel the impending dread of this standoff all the way up to the credits. And while the film is damn near three hours long, it never once overstays its welcome. The time flew by seamlessly.
DIRECTION, CINEMATOGRAPHY, SCORE, ETC.
This is the miscellaneous section. Um, the direction is spectacular. Nolan is living up to the SPIELBERG OF OUR TIME award that many people are throwing at him. Every movie of Nolan’s is filled-to-the brim with compelling characters complete with thought-provoking subtext to boot. I personally feel that THE DARK KNIGHT is the pinnacle of limited albeit impressive filmography. Distinctly an unbiased metaphor for 9/11 and the aftermath, it provides a plethora of "food-for-thought" dissimilar to other fright-inducing, catastrophic-themed films by means of exploring the social and political changes brought on by a hellish day of disaster. This is a social examination of America, told through the microcosmic point-of-view of the most fucked up fictional city on this Earth. Seriously…Gotham City is like Liberty City from the GRAND THEFT AUTO video games. Terrorist serial killer clowns (not from outer space) and a traumatized playboy bachelor dressed up as a ninja Doberman pincher. That shit ain’t in the game. The last movie featured Liam Neeson and his army of well-financed ninjas hijacking monorails and burning down mansions. Shit ain't normal. And perhaps I don't have the correct cheat codes for GTA IV, but it would be cool if your character could dress as a psycho killer clown (not from outer space) and ram stationary pencils into people's eyes. Fuck carjackings. Let's get innovative. Rockstar Games developers are beginning to lose the lead from their pencils, let me tell ya.
Cinematography was stunning. The skyscrapers were impressive especially as all of those scenes were filmed in IMAX. Having the on-set location of Chicago gave viewers a sense of much-needed variety, as most blockbusters shoot on-location at NYC. Fuck NYC. Let's face it. When it comes to the Big Apple, that town is the quintessential arena for various forms of Pwn'age. On celluloid, NYC has faced destruction from the martians from INDEPENDENCE DAY, THE PLANET OF THE APES, the ice storm from that one liberal propaganda movie, AI and CLOVERFIELD. In real life, they are cursed with The Yankees, MTV studios and a real-life Ground Zero.
FAIL.
Chicago has Al Capone. Chicago wins! Don't wanna fuck with that town. Shit, only the Joker would be crazy enough to fuck with Chicago. You could reawaken the dead spirit of Capone and I don't think he'd take kindly to you tampering with his renowned stance on prohibition. Screw that noise. Watch THE UNTOUCHABLES. Motherfucker had the world's greatest batting average in his day. Who needs that shit? I don't. Got enough problems as it is.
THE DARK KNIGHT has some of the most breathtaking action sequences I've ever seen (the batpod chase...Ho. Lee. Shit.) even if the editing was a bit shoddy in some of those sequences (note: The IMAX cameras are ridiculously heavy, jarringly noisy and can only carry three minutes of continuous film footage). This does not take away from the true feat of the film:the performances. Most of which are top-of-the-game and Oscar-Worthy. The story was fairly simple, yet layered. There was an imminent doom pacing up the spine of the narrative and it culminates in a heart-stopping finale.
As for the score: I liked it much more than BEGINS. The score for BATMAN BEGINS grew grating over time (that was the point of the score though; to establish mood whilst enhancing the insight of growing psychosis within the titular character) this score is a bit more conventional. However, I will say that it is more effective. I do believe Batman gets his own theme; a motif if you will. In the last film he had no definitive theme. I don't really know what the hell his "theme" was throughout the film (or where it appeared for that matter), but from the score I've listened to, it could be a combination of several motifs used in the original movie. Good shit, though. An apple to Danny Elfman’s orange, THE DARK KNIGHT’S score is as audibly heroic when called for. The Joker's theme, on the other hand, is as disturbing as the character on screen. It's like a cross between Jonny Greenwood's tracks from THERE WILL BE BLOOD and Clint Mansell's "Lux Aeterna" from REQUIEM FOR A DREAM.
In conclusion, this is amongst the finest genre films ever. It's the film that any and all following superhero movies will be judged. It transcends one genre of film and becomes its own amalgamation. This is like a latter year Johnny Cash record. In his waning years he covered a vast collective of variable songs, and recreated them in his own distinguishable style. THE DARK KNIGHT is a horror film, a crime thriller, a dark comedy/satire and a classical detective story. The ingredients were thrown meticulously into a blender and the restaurant has discovered a recipe for the ages. It's a fully cohesive, striking work of motion picture. I rarely say this with new releases, and I think I said it with WALL-E: This is one of the greatest movies ever made. This isn't a bias judgment from a hardcore BATMAN fan. If anything that makes me even more critical.
I have ridiculously high standards and I'm not afraid to bash something when it isn't up to par. I have even higher standards when it comes to the things that molded my childhood. I liked the SPIDER-MAN movies, sure. But I don't regard them as classics or Grade-A movies. More like mid-grade, actually. Like a Toyota, not a Lexus. SPIDER-MAN 3 was like my old beige Corolla. Six months to go on the payments and the fucker goes POOF.
I could go on and on and on about this film for hours. But I'm not going to. It really is that good. You've read all about it from other critics. For the first time in history, they're absolutely correct. To be honest, I don't believe I've ever heard this much unanimous praise for a film EVER. Everybody I've talked to about this film has loved it and is anxious to see it again.
THE DARK KNIGHT is the best summer movie since THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. And THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK is my favorite movie of all time. Do the math on that. That's how strongly I feel about this movie.
As Gordon says in the final lines of the film, that Batman was not the hero Gotham needs, but the hero Gotham deserves. This parallels my thoughts on the film. THE DARK KNIGHT is not the film we deserve, but the movie we need.
A RFB FUCKIN' SEAL OF APPROVAL MOTION PICTURE. THE DARK KNIGHT DELIVERS. AND THEN SOME.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
P.S.: Bob Hoskins as THE PENGUIN in BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT BEGINS THE CAPED CRUSADE (WITH THE BOY WONDER)! Not the actual title, but it would be a good one, I think. Look for another blog down the road where I will attempt to dissect the social and political angles of the movie. There is a lot here to digest. Savor the meal.
WALL-E
WALL-E
The first time I read about this film, it was at the Ain't it Cool site. PIXAR had screened footage from the film for the Austin Drafthouse crowd and they all mentioned how great the footage was. After I read this, I went to YouTube and seeked the teaser trailer for this film. Off the bat, I was head-over-heels in love with the character of WALL-E. I have somewhat of a fetish for futuristic robots (not sexual, pervs). I love automated machines. I find their emulation of our humanity interesting and adorable. I fell in love with the character. He was so damned cute just from the 30 seconds in the teaser. How often do you fall in love with a movie character just from the preview? That's right. Never. From there, I was hooked. I couldn't WAIT to see this movie. To be honest, my personal "most anticipated films of 2008" were THE DARK KNIGHT and WALL-E.
Being a die-hard fan of subversive, intellectually-stimulating science fiction film, I must say that this is amongst the very best of the genre. This is first and foremost, a very moving, affectionate love story but there is a sense of sociopolitical commentary that is undeniably pacing through the narrative. And it isn't preachy or self-righteous...frankly, I have no doubt that in 700 years (assuming we're still around by then) that this is what will become of the human race.
The planet is trashed. Literally. Garbage, garbage, garbage. All that remains is the last WALL-E robot. He creates little lego blocks of the filth that overruns the cities of the derelict planet, many of which overshadow the skyscrapers humans once constructed. The surviving humans, now reside in a ship called the AXIOM and send out a probe with a vegetation evaluating 'bot (EVE) to discover plant life. EVE discovers WALL-E and a heartwarming bond is established between the two. She finds plant life and returns to the ship with WALL-E in tow. Narratively, WALL-E becomes a bit perfunctory after the beginning, but the visuals and message of the film are as revolutionary as the narrative approach of the opening act.
Now, I know audiences and critics alike are calling this THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS on film, but it really isn't that spectacular. It is great, however. Not good. Not mediocre. GREAT. It loses a bit of steam once WALL-E and EVE reach the AXIOM. But goddamn. The first thirty minutes are pitch perfect. Pitch perfect. The visuals in this film are...breathtaking. In WALL-E, there are visuals that rival the finest moments of LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST and THE LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy. This is not hyperbole. People are absolutely right in this aspect and I agree with them. PIXAR has created a film for the ages. Don't be surprised to see WALL-E on the updated list of AFI's 100 YEARS, 100 MOVIES. And as far as I'm concerned, it belongs fairly high up on that list. It really is that good.
WALL-E combines elements from the cinematic universes of 2001 and IDIOCRACY without being derivative of any of the aforementioned titles. I think it's fair to say that the beginning of this film has never been approached this way narratively before, at least from my perspective on the genre. But then it switches gears to focus on rogue robots, world-controlling corporations and a Christ metaphor...blah, blah, blah. It's been done before. But normally, I wouldn't be nearly this invested in the characters and that goes a long way for a journey as epic, thought-provoking and gorgeous as this one. It is surprising to see these themes poke out of a kid's movie without being condescending or abrasive. And for me, it works.
By the way, WALL-E is climbing the ranks on the top 250 list on the IMDb. I mean climbing. Yesterday and Saturday, it had already entered the ranks at 116, I believe. Earlier today when I checked it, it was at number 8. Right now, it's at number six...right behind PULP FICTION.
It will hit 1 momentarily and dethrone THE GODFATHER as highest rated movie of all time eventually. I have no doubt of that. It won't stay on top, but it will reach it. I have only seen one film accomplish this since I began visiting the site: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING. This movie is as good as that one and not as flawed.
To me, every great movie contains a moment so grandiose that you come to the realization subconsciously (you're wrapped up in it to not think of it at the time) that looking back, you realized it was a great movie. For THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, that was the Arwen/Nazgul chase to Rivendell. WALL-E has one of these great scenes as well. It occurs in the second part and I won't spoil it for you. You'll know it when you see it. And it's beautiful, touching and hilarious.
Shit, this film made my day. I've had a shit-eating grin on my face since I saw it a few hours ago. I feel rejuvenated. I feel like a little kid again; running around kicking the shit out of other kids for entertainment. You know how often that happens? Fuck off. It doesn't happen. But it did today.
WALL-E gets the RFB SEAL OF FUCKIN' APPROVAL...the highest merit I can bestow upon a film. Critics are predicting this film will get an Oscar nom for Best Picture. I say, let's circumvent that bullshit by cancelling the awards and just give it the Oscar for everything. Let's have an honorary WALL-E awards night. Fuck those other movies. They ain't got shit.
It really is that good.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
The first time I read about this film, it was at the Ain't it Cool site. PIXAR had screened footage from the film for the Austin Drafthouse crowd and they all mentioned how great the footage was. After I read this, I went to YouTube and seeked the teaser trailer for this film. Off the bat, I was head-over-heels in love with the character of WALL-E. I have somewhat of a fetish for futuristic robots (not sexual, pervs). I love automated machines. I find their emulation of our humanity interesting and adorable. I fell in love with the character. He was so damned cute just from the 30 seconds in the teaser. How often do you fall in love with a movie character just from the preview? That's right. Never. From there, I was hooked. I couldn't WAIT to see this movie. To be honest, my personal "most anticipated films of 2008" were THE DARK KNIGHT and WALL-E.
Being a die-hard fan of subversive, intellectually-stimulating science fiction film, I must say that this is amongst the very best of the genre. This is first and foremost, a very moving, affectionate love story but there is a sense of sociopolitical commentary that is undeniably pacing through the narrative. And it isn't preachy or self-righteous...frankly, I have no doubt that in 700 years (assuming we're still around by then) that this is what will become of the human race.
The planet is trashed. Literally. Garbage, garbage, garbage. All that remains is the last WALL-E robot. He creates little lego blocks of the filth that overruns the cities of the derelict planet, many of which overshadow the skyscrapers humans once constructed. The surviving humans, now reside in a ship called the AXIOM and send out a probe with a vegetation evaluating 'bot (EVE) to discover plant life. EVE discovers WALL-E and a heartwarming bond is established between the two. She finds plant life and returns to the ship with WALL-E in tow. Narratively, WALL-E becomes a bit perfunctory after the beginning, but the visuals and message of the film are as revolutionary as the narrative approach of the opening act.
Now, I know audiences and critics alike are calling this THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS on film, but it really isn't that spectacular. It is great, however. Not good. Not mediocre. GREAT. It loses a bit of steam once WALL-E and EVE reach the AXIOM. But goddamn. The first thirty minutes are pitch perfect. Pitch perfect. The visuals in this film are...breathtaking. In WALL-E, there are visuals that rival the finest moments of LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST and THE LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy. This is not hyperbole. People are absolutely right in this aspect and I agree with them. PIXAR has created a film for the ages. Don't be surprised to see WALL-E on the updated list of AFI's 100 YEARS, 100 MOVIES. And as far as I'm concerned, it belongs fairly high up on that list. It really is that good.
WALL-E combines elements from the cinematic universes of 2001 and IDIOCRACY without being derivative of any of the aforementioned titles. I think it's fair to say that the beginning of this film has never been approached this way narratively before, at least from my perspective on the genre. But then it switches gears to focus on rogue robots, world-controlling corporations and a Christ metaphor...blah, blah, blah. It's been done before. But normally, I wouldn't be nearly this invested in the characters and that goes a long way for a journey as epic, thought-provoking and gorgeous as this one. It is surprising to see these themes poke out of a kid's movie without being condescending or abrasive. And for me, it works.
By the way, WALL-E is climbing the ranks on the top 250 list on the IMDb. I mean climbing. Yesterday and Saturday, it had already entered the ranks at 116, I believe. Earlier today when I checked it, it was at number 8. Right now, it's at number six...right behind PULP FICTION.
It will hit 1 momentarily and dethrone THE GODFATHER as highest rated movie of all time eventually. I have no doubt of that. It won't stay on top, but it will reach it. I have only seen one film accomplish this since I began visiting the site: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING. This movie is as good as that one and not as flawed.
To me, every great movie contains a moment so grandiose that you come to the realization subconsciously (you're wrapped up in it to not think of it at the time) that looking back, you realized it was a great movie. For THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, that was the Arwen/Nazgul chase to Rivendell. WALL-E has one of these great scenes as well. It occurs in the second part and I won't spoil it for you. You'll know it when you see it. And it's beautiful, touching and hilarious.
Shit, this film made my day. I've had a shit-eating grin on my face since I saw it a few hours ago. I feel rejuvenated. I feel like a little kid again; running around kicking the shit out of other kids for entertainment. You know how often that happens? Fuck off. It doesn't happen. But it did today.
WALL-E gets the RFB SEAL OF FUCKIN' APPROVAL...the highest merit I can bestow upon a film. Critics are predicting this film will get an Oscar nom for Best Picture. I say, let's circumvent that bullshit by cancelling the awards and just give it the Oscar for everything. Let's have an honorary WALL-E awards night. Fuck those other movies. They ain't got shit.
It really is that good.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
WANTED: A brief showcase of Angelina Jolie's ass
WANTED is sociopathy come to flesh. It's a nihilistic, revolting motion picture captured at 24 frames per second. Then again...this film was more than likely filmed in digital. I don't know. Doesn't matter.
This is a harmful movie to society. There is no conscience in this film; It's not creative, it's not subversive. All of what would make this film unique has already been covered in other films. Take all of the worst parts of FIGHT CLUB and all of the worst parts of THE MATRIX and all of the worst parts of OFFICE SPACE and the entirety of EQUILIBRIUM, bundle it together and you'd have WANTED. I expect school shootings, mall shootings and office shootings in America to skyrocket in record numbers within the next few weeks following this film. I'm not joking. I'm being serious.
And with all of that in mind...This is the most fun I've had at the movies in a long, long time.
All joking aside, this movie is a lot of fun. The two opening adrenaline-drenched action sequences are so ridiculous and over-the-top that you really can't help but almost cheer FUCK YEAH! a couple of times during this indiscernible shit. From there it becomes repetitive. The humor is pretty good, too. I LOL'ed a few times, to be honest. And the visuals are alright and unique. I don't know. In fact, what the hell did I just watch? One minute there were cars flying around doing some car-fu shit and the dude from THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND was pulling off some Grammaton Cleric John Preston shit. And then there was an army of rats that were used as bombs to infiltrate a textile plant. Made no sense to me. The film kind of lost me. And while it wasn't really disturbing (note: a movie with this approach is only truly disturbing when it makes you confront thoughts or ideals you know deep down are morally deplorable) WANTED (I'm not shitting you) through the final line of dialogue, to be exact (alright enough with the ( ) shit) actually condones and advocates murder, whether it be random, predetermined or for excitement. Killing people...FOR NO FUCKIN' REASON! Call me old-fashioned, but we're not supposed to kill each other. As a procreating species, we're supposed to fuck. It's as Carlin used to say: MAKE FUCK, NOT KILL. I'm not exactly an expert in this field, but to each their own, I guess. Sorry, got no background knowledge on the subject (on the killing, not the fuckin').
As always, I attempt to "explain" the film in legendary BP fashion during my reviews. So. Here it is:
PUSSY HATES OFFICE JOB. PUSSY MEETS BADWOLF'S MOM. PUSSY GETS BONER. PUSSY GETS SHOT AT. PUSSY MEETS RED FROM SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION. PUSSY SEES BADWOLF'S MOM'S ASS. PUSSY GETS BIGGER BONER. RED TEACHES HIM TO SHOOT PEOPLE. PUSSY SHOOTS PEOPLE. PEOPLE DIE. MANY INNOCENT. BADWOLF'S MOM OCCUPIES SPACE THROUGHOUT MOVIE. POOR MAN'S VERSION OF FIGHT CLUB WITH MATRIX-ESQUE ACTION SEQUENCES.
Alot of innocent people die in this film (by the "hero's" hand, nonetheless) and there appears to be no moral contrast inherent in the backbone of the movie. I really don't know. Sounds kind of like a bad element to tinker with or exploit as society and media alike are having an adverse affect on today's lemming-like youth. Unlike FIGHT CLUB or THE MATRIX, I can't say my paradigm of existentialism has been affected in anyway after watching this movie. Angelina Jolie has a nice ass, I do know that. At least I can say that I took something out of the movie, I guess.
Basically, the message of WANTED is: "Hey...it's okay to shoot a bunch of people so long as you're disgruntled and/or have a life of little to no meaning." That's what I got out of it, at least. I have to respect that as this is America and everybody has a right to an opinion, etc. Nonetheless, you should all say it with me, it's my new personal mantra (not about to replace READ MY SHIT! though): Killing people. It's just not a very nice thing to do.
Doesn't change the fact that it's still fun (I wouldn't really know, I'm just nodding my head in agreement with the movie).
*LOL's as I text everybody in my phone while Shot of Love plays in the background*
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
This is a harmful movie to society. There is no conscience in this film; It's not creative, it's not subversive. All of what would make this film unique has already been covered in other films. Take all of the worst parts of FIGHT CLUB and all of the worst parts of THE MATRIX and all of the worst parts of OFFICE SPACE and the entirety of EQUILIBRIUM, bundle it together and you'd have WANTED. I expect school shootings, mall shootings and office shootings in America to skyrocket in record numbers within the next few weeks following this film. I'm not joking. I'm being serious.
And with all of that in mind...This is the most fun I've had at the movies in a long, long time.
All joking aside, this movie is a lot of fun. The two opening adrenaline-drenched action sequences are so ridiculous and over-the-top that you really can't help but almost cheer FUCK YEAH! a couple of times during this indiscernible shit. From there it becomes repetitive. The humor is pretty good, too. I LOL'ed a few times, to be honest. And the visuals are alright and unique. I don't know. In fact, what the hell did I just watch? One minute there were cars flying around doing some car-fu shit and the dude from THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND was pulling off some Grammaton Cleric John Preston shit. And then there was an army of rats that were used as bombs to infiltrate a textile plant. Made no sense to me. The film kind of lost me. And while it wasn't really disturbing (note: a movie with this approach is only truly disturbing when it makes you confront thoughts or ideals you know deep down are morally deplorable) WANTED (I'm not shitting you) through the final line of dialogue, to be exact (alright enough with the ( ) shit) actually condones and advocates murder, whether it be random, predetermined or for excitement. Killing people...FOR NO FUCKIN' REASON! Call me old-fashioned, but we're not supposed to kill each other. As a procreating species, we're supposed to fuck. It's as Carlin used to say: MAKE FUCK, NOT KILL. I'm not exactly an expert in this field, but to each their own, I guess. Sorry, got no background knowledge on the subject (on the killing, not the fuckin').
As always, I attempt to "explain" the film in legendary BP fashion during my reviews. So. Here it is:
PUSSY HATES OFFICE JOB. PUSSY MEETS BADWOLF'S MOM. PUSSY GETS BONER. PUSSY GETS SHOT AT. PUSSY MEETS RED FROM SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION. PUSSY SEES BADWOLF'S MOM'S ASS. PUSSY GETS BIGGER BONER. RED TEACHES HIM TO SHOOT PEOPLE. PUSSY SHOOTS PEOPLE. PEOPLE DIE. MANY INNOCENT. BADWOLF'S MOM OCCUPIES SPACE THROUGHOUT MOVIE. POOR MAN'S VERSION OF FIGHT CLUB WITH MATRIX-ESQUE ACTION SEQUENCES.
Alot of innocent people die in this film (by the "hero's" hand, nonetheless) and there appears to be no moral contrast inherent in the backbone of the movie. I really don't know. Sounds kind of like a bad element to tinker with or exploit as society and media alike are having an adverse affect on today's lemming-like youth. Unlike FIGHT CLUB or THE MATRIX, I can't say my paradigm of existentialism has been affected in anyway after watching this movie. Angelina Jolie has a nice ass, I do know that. At least I can say that I took something out of the movie, I guess.
Basically, the message of WANTED is: "Hey...it's okay to shoot a bunch of people so long as you're disgruntled and/or have a life of little to no meaning." That's what I got out of it, at least. I have to respect that as this is America and everybody has a right to an opinion, etc. Nonetheless, you should all say it with me, it's my new personal mantra (not about to replace READ MY SHIT! though): Killing people. It's just not a very nice thing to do.
Doesn't change the fact that it's still fun (I wouldn't really know, I'm just nodding my head in agreement with the movie).
*LOL's as I text everybody in my phone while Shot of Love plays in the background*
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
RFB vs. SEX IN THE CITY
SEX IN THE CITY: THE MOTION PICTURE (subtitled: EVERYBODY FUCKS EVERYBODY)
IRON MAN was fly. It was dope, it was off the chain, or hook or handle. However you young people talk. But the best part of it was the after-end-credits sequence with Samuel L. Jackson as the director of S.H.I.E.L.D., NICK FURY. How he popped up and mentioned something about an, "...Avenger initiative".
And this...kicks...all...sorts...of...unholy...ass. It's a big Marvel crossover. So soon enough Marvel's Golden Child SPIDER-MAN will be swinging around with his new PUNISHER buddy and they'll both be at each other's throats 'cause they disagree on how to handle injustice. Soon enough, THE THING will be trading blows with THE HULK 'cause of the racial differences (Orange-on-Green violence...it's a crime). Soon enough, Spidey will be invited to join the JUSTICE LEAGUE and will fight alongside Superman, Batman, The Green Lantern, Wonder Woman and so on and so forth. Eventually it'll just become a gigantic superhero orgy and if Spider-Man plays his cards right...maybe...just maybe...he'll be allowed to shoot his web onto Wonder Woman's face. I'm excited (Note: Not as excited as Spider-Man, that's for sure, but pretty damn excited).
And I was thinking, "Damn! Every new movie should end with Nick Fury reciting this shit". Imagine how awesome it would be if WALL-E ended like this?
1. INT. WALL-E'S CRIB-EARTH-700 YEARS IN THE FUTURE
WALL-E wheels inside of his crib with his new homegirl, EVE. WALL-E switches the light switch to no avail. Suddenly, a dark figure appears from the shadows.
DARK FIGURE
Mr. WALL-E. You've started something. Do you think you're the only solitary trash-compacting robot on the planet?
WALL-E speaks incoherently in his robotic garble.
DARK FIGURE
I'm NICK FURY, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I'm here to talk to you about the AVENGER'S initiative.
WALL-E
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal-E.
THE END
That shit's off da hook!
Or how about if they went back and replaced all of the endings of every movie ever made with Sam Jackson wearing an eye patch, mentioning something about an Avenger's initiative? It could work. Just look at SCHINDLER'S LIST, for instance. Just remove all of the shit at the end with the gravestone and Schindler's emo-crisis when he realizes he could've saved more of those meek motherfuckers. It's irrelevant to the story.
What is relevant, however, is CAPTAIN FUCKIN' AMERICA. He fought in WWII, clashed with The Red Skull and was frozen in the North Atlantic, to be defrosted decades later ala Austin Powers. It fits seamlessly into Schindler's List as far as I'm concerned. This shit is more important than the fable of the holocaust. That shit never happened; it's the grandest conspiracy/hoax in human history. However, there was a flag-wearing man who injected himself with mutant steroids and and threw a metallic frisbee at German people. AND he leads THE AVENGERS. This is authentic; it's been documented. Research it on the reliable Wikipedia. It's all there.
Then you have Nick Fury's fellow homeboys who could show up at random: SPIDER-MAN, THOR, IRON MAN, HULK, BLADE...fuckin' Blade, man. Blade should be cameoed in every movie set for release from now on. Motherfucker just shows up and starts saying shit like, "It's open season on all suckheads" or "Some motherfuckers always trying to skate uphill". And he follows these sentences by swiftly decapitating the most unlikable character on-screen. We could use stock footage and insert appropriate sound bytes from the BLADE series. Matt and Trey did this with one of the best episodes of SOUTH PARK, so they proved it could be done. Let's make an effort, shall we?
(Come to think of it, we really, really needed Blade during THE PHANTOM MENACE. This is called "plot development", people. Let's get with it.)
And frankly, I feel that he would've been most at home with SEX IN THE CITY: THE MOTION PICTURE (subtitled: EVERYBODY FUCKS EVERYBODY). This is a story about four, over-the-hill STD infested vampires who moonlight as four, over-the-hill, STD infested croc-shoe collectors. As they're all despicable, self-obsessed, borderline sociopathic materialists who have never felt a genuine, raw emotion throughout their pitiful run of life, I don't know. Decapitation sounds like a happy ending to me. Like when Bambi's mom got shot. That made my day when I was a child, I tell ya.
Well, that about ends the review. Yes sir, indeedy. I haven't seen the film, nor will I ever. I just wanted to share this epiphany with you. I don't know. I'm just opining my subversive views to aid and improve the declining state of modern cinema. That's all.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
IRON MAN was fly. It was dope, it was off the chain, or hook or handle. However you young people talk. But the best part of it was the after-end-credits sequence with Samuel L. Jackson as the director of S.H.I.E.L.D., NICK FURY. How he popped up and mentioned something about an, "...Avenger initiative".
And this...kicks...all...sorts...of...unholy...ass. It's a big Marvel crossover. So soon enough Marvel's Golden Child SPIDER-MAN will be swinging around with his new PUNISHER buddy and they'll both be at each other's throats 'cause they disagree on how to handle injustice. Soon enough, THE THING will be trading blows with THE HULK 'cause of the racial differences (Orange-on-Green violence...it's a crime). Soon enough, Spidey will be invited to join the JUSTICE LEAGUE and will fight alongside Superman, Batman, The Green Lantern, Wonder Woman and so on and so forth. Eventually it'll just become a gigantic superhero orgy and if Spider-Man plays his cards right...maybe...just maybe...he'll be allowed to shoot his web onto Wonder Woman's face. I'm excited (Note: Not as excited as Spider-Man, that's for sure, but pretty damn excited).
And I was thinking, "Damn! Every new movie should end with Nick Fury reciting this shit". Imagine how awesome it would be if WALL-E ended like this?
1. INT. WALL-E'S CRIB-EARTH-700 YEARS IN THE FUTURE
WALL-E wheels inside of his crib with his new homegirl, EVE. WALL-E switches the light switch to no avail. Suddenly, a dark figure appears from the shadows.
DARK FIGURE
Mr. WALL-E. You've started something. Do you think you're the only solitary trash-compacting robot on the planet?
WALL-E speaks incoherently in his robotic garble.
DARK FIGURE
I'm NICK FURY, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I'm here to talk to you about the AVENGER'S initiative.
WALL-E
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal-E.
THE END
That shit's off da hook!
Or how about if they went back and replaced all of the endings of every movie ever made with Sam Jackson wearing an eye patch, mentioning something about an Avenger's initiative? It could work. Just look at SCHINDLER'S LIST, for instance. Just remove all of the shit at the end with the gravestone and Schindler's emo-crisis when he realizes he could've saved more of those meek motherfuckers. It's irrelevant to the story.
What is relevant, however, is CAPTAIN FUCKIN' AMERICA. He fought in WWII, clashed with The Red Skull and was frozen in the North Atlantic, to be defrosted decades later ala Austin Powers. It fits seamlessly into Schindler's List as far as I'm concerned. This shit is more important than the fable of the holocaust. That shit never happened; it's the grandest conspiracy/hoax in human history. However, there was a flag-wearing man who injected himself with mutant steroids and and threw a metallic frisbee at German people. AND he leads THE AVENGERS. This is authentic; it's been documented. Research it on the reliable Wikipedia. It's all there.
Then you have Nick Fury's fellow homeboys who could show up at random: SPIDER-MAN, THOR, IRON MAN, HULK, BLADE...fuckin' Blade, man. Blade should be cameoed in every movie set for release from now on. Motherfucker just shows up and starts saying shit like, "It's open season on all suckheads" or "Some motherfuckers always trying to skate uphill". And he follows these sentences by swiftly decapitating the most unlikable character on-screen. We could use stock footage and insert appropriate sound bytes from the BLADE series. Matt and Trey did this with one of the best episodes of SOUTH PARK, so they proved it could be done. Let's make an effort, shall we?
(Come to think of it, we really, really needed Blade during THE PHANTOM MENACE. This is called "plot development", people. Let's get with it.)
And frankly, I feel that he would've been most at home with SEX IN THE CITY: THE MOTION PICTURE (subtitled: EVERYBODY FUCKS EVERYBODY). This is a story about four, over-the-hill STD infested vampires who moonlight as four, over-the-hill, STD infested croc-shoe collectors. As they're all despicable, self-obsessed, borderline sociopathic materialists who have never felt a genuine, raw emotion throughout their pitiful run of life, I don't know. Decapitation sounds like a happy ending to me. Like when Bambi's mom got shot. That made my day when I was a child, I tell ya.
Well, that about ends the review. Yes sir, indeedy. I haven't seen the film, nor will I ever. I just wanted to share this epiphany with you. I don't know. I'm just opining my subversive views to aid and improve the declining state of modern cinema. That's all.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
THE HAPPENING
THE WHAT'S-GOING-ON?
Jesus jumped-up Christ with a jump-rope and crackers. M. Night Shyamalan's latest THE WHAT'S-GOING-ON? is a travesty of motion picture. This is a movie that is so bad that I fervently believe that it is not by accident. Nobody can make a movie this bad unless they set out to make a movie this bad. And I loved every second of it. Not because I could laugh at the absurdity or unintentional laughter this film provokes. Oh, no. I loved it 'cause this is the official career death rattle of an arrogant hack, one-trick-pony moviemaker who insists that he shares a "secret" formula that only he and Spielberg are in on.
With WHAT'S-GOING-ON?, Shyamalan has proven that he is not only full of shit, but full of himself. Unless this is his idea of a sick joke or an experimental endeavor to emulate and "best" the low-level quality of the worst directed B-movies ever conceived, then I have no respect for the prick. I believe the man has talent, but refuses to challenge himself or attempt to delve into versatility as an auteur. And his work has grown stale; it's perfunctory. He's a grade-A, know-it-all asshole, and I believe that at this point, he's the only motherfucker on the face of the planet that still believes his own hyperbolic "craftsmanship" as a filmmaker.
For fuck's sake. Shyamalan is so uncreative at this point in his "career" that he can't even come up with a strong title for this one. THE HAPPENING. Boy, that'll pack the theaters full! That's, like, the worst title in the history of film. Bar none. Even worse than A SOUND OF THUNDER or SNAKES ON A PLANE. And it did not pack the theater full. I saw a matinee and there were maybe 10 people in the theater at most.
What's the plot? Wait...there was a plot? As I watched in disbelief, this was simply a story about underdeveloped, grating characters trying to outrun gusts of wind. Oh, well. That's about it. Not as exciting as it sounds, I can assure you of that. But that's okay. Not every movie can be as exciting as MIAMI VICE or Ang Lee's HULK, regardless of how hard the filmmakers may try.
Marky Mark delivers a performance for the ages. His line delivery dethrones Winona Ryder in any film she has ever desecrated with her presence. It's that good *cough*bad*cough* that he will most likely visit the podium to accept an award next season.
The Golden Raspberry awards, I mean.
Then again, it's really not his fault. The poor guy, along with the rest of the cast, don't have a lot to work with. The performances are universally horrid. In the world of this movie, mass suicides must be frequent as none of the characters respond realistically whatsoever. The deaths aren't stark or brutal...they're laughable. As the movie drags the fuck along, they become even more absurd...thus providing more laughing stock. This is not just because of the lack of creativity behind them...there is nothing at stake. If THE HAPPENING is a vision of the apocalyptic finale of the human race, then I would have to say GOOD RIDDANCE. I had no emotional connection to the characters at all; it didn't matter to me if they lived or died. And to the few supporting characters that did die, I laughed my ass off at them. Not because I'm sadistic, but because they were vacuous archetypes, traversing mundanely through inexplicable, "hazardous" circumstances.
Too much babyfat, too. The subplots in this film offer nothing. The dialogue needs nowhere. I don't give a shit about hot-dogs. I don't care about the disappearance of bees across the nation. Here we have it; a phenomena of mass-suicide sweeping the east coast, and we're stuck here listening to platitudes from the most uninteresting characters in recent memory, minus the SEX IN THE CITY sluts/whores/walking-stds/cunts. John Leguizamo's character may as well not exist, the "tragic" deaths of the two children who travel with Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch was hilarious and really didn't have any empathetic impact, at all. The old lady they encounter at the end is the highlight of this movie. I love this woman. She's so ghoulishly succinct and oblivious to the situation at hand that you can't help but laugh or cheer whenever she appears on-screen.
The "Joey" cheating-wife subplot is retarded; it has no place in the story. Marky Mark fires back with the most uproarious anecdote I've ever heard in my entire life. Problem is that it WASN'T funny; it was a daffy, incoherent limerick that interrupted the imminent doom of the situation. Death is literally on the wind...If I was in that situation I don't think I'd be making corny jokes about cough syrup. I'd be more interested in SURVIVAL or "PAINTING" A MAP OF HAWAII ON THE FACE OF MY SMOKING HOT WIFE BEFORE THE WHOLE GODDAMNED WORLD ENDS!!!
I don't know. Perhaps I'm just a little odd.
I was laughing uncontrollably at the absurdity and piss-poor writing that was presented in front of me. This is unintentional camp-comedy of the highest pedigree. But on a narrative level, seriously, there really is no reason any movie should ever be this nauseating.
All right. I'm finished. Um...horrible. That's all I'm going to say. This movie is Ludivico treatment-quality bad. Forcing somebody to watch this shit against their will would be a crime on par with first-degree rape. Coaxing someone to watch this is as monstrous as administering an impromptu torture session which involves jumper cables, a car battery and the victim's testes.
So thank you once again for your contribution to the world of cinema, Mr. Shyama-la-ma-ding-dong. It's been a delight to watch your candle burn out so embarrassingly--and--deservedly. Go plummet off of a building to your demise, you pretentious prick. At this point, it's the only trick you could pull off and continue to hold my attention. Unlike THE HAPPENING, I wouldn't be ashamed that I wasted 10 bucks for the price of admission, either.
I will more than likely purchase this movie when it is released on DVD (i.e.: five dollar bin at Wally World) and we will all have a BP-sponsored movie night so that we can all drink up and rip this film to shreds MST3K-style. Opportune laughing stock doesn't get much better than this.
Nevertheless, this is one of the worst films of the year *cough*decade*cough.
--Don't die in a fire--unless you're M. Night Shyama-la-ma-ding-dong.--
RFB
Jesus jumped-up Christ with a jump-rope and crackers. M. Night Shyamalan's latest THE WHAT'S-GOING-ON? is a travesty of motion picture. This is a movie that is so bad that I fervently believe that it is not by accident. Nobody can make a movie this bad unless they set out to make a movie this bad. And I loved every second of it. Not because I could laugh at the absurdity or unintentional laughter this film provokes. Oh, no. I loved it 'cause this is the official career death rattle of an arrogant hack, one-trick-pony moviemaker who insists that he shares a "secret" formula that only he and Spielberg are in on.
With WHAT'S-GOING-ON?, Shyamalan has proven that he is not only full of shit, but full of himself. Unless this is his idea of a sick joke or an experimental endeavor to emulate and "best" the low-level quality of the worst directed B-movies ever conceived, then I have no respect for the prick. I believe the man has talent, but refuses to challenge himself or attempt to delve into versatility as an auteur. And his work has grown stale; it's perfunctory. He's a grade-A, know-it-all asshole, and I believe that at this point, he's the only motherfucker on the face of the planet that still believes his own hyperbolic "craftsmanship" as a filmmaker.
For fuck's sake. Shyamalan is so uncreative at this point in his "career" that he can't even come up with a strong title for this one. THE HAPPENING. Boy, that'll pack the theaters full! That's, like, the worst title in the history of film. Bar none. Even worse than A SOUND OF THUNDER or SNAKES ON A PLANE. And it did not pack the theater full. I saw a matinee and there were maybe 10 people in the theater at most.
What's the plot? Wait...there was a plot? As I watched in disbelief, this was simply a story about underdeveloped, grating characters trying to outrun gusts of wind. Oh, well. That's about it. Not as exciting as it sounds, I can assure you of that. But that's okay. Not every movie can be as exciting as MIAMI VICE or Ang Lee's HULK, regardless of how hard the filmmakers may try.
Marky Mark delivers a performance for the ages. His line delivery dethrones Winona Ryder in any film she has ever desecrated with her presence. It's that good *cough*bad*cough* that he will most likely visit the podium to accept an award next season.
The Golden Raspberry awards, I mean.
Then again, it's really not his fault. The poor guy, along with the rest of the cast, don't have a lot to work with. The performances are universally horrid. In the world of this movie, mass suicides must be frequent as none of the characters respond realistically whatsoever. The deaths aren't stark or brutal...they're laughable. As the movie drags the fuck along, they become even more absurd...thus providing more laughing stock. This is not just because of the lack of creativity behind them...there is nothing at stake. If THE HAPPENING is a vision of the apocalyptic finale of the human race, then I would have to say GOOD RIDDANCE. I had no emotional connection to the characters at all; it didn't matter to me if they lived or died. And to the few supporting characters that did die, I laughed my ass off at them. Not because I'm sadistic, but because they were vacuous archetypes, traversing mundanely through inexplicable, "hazardous" circumstances.
Too much babyfat, too. The subplots in this film offer nothing. The dialogue needs nowhere. I don't give a shit about hot-dogs. I don't care about the disappearance of bees across the nation. Here we have it; a phenomena of mass-suicide sweeping the east coast, and we're stuck here listening to platitudes from the most uninteresting characters in recent memory, minus the SEX IN THE CITY sluts/whores/walking-stds/cunts. John Leguizamo's character may as well not exist, the "tragic" deaths of the two children who travel with Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch was hilarious and really didn't have any empathetic impact, at all. The old lady they encounter at the end is the highlight of this movie. I love this woman. She's so ghoulishly succinct and oblivious to the situation at hand that you can't help but laugh or cheer whenever she appears on-screen.
The "Joey" cheating-wife subplot is retarded; it has no place in the story. Marky Mark fires back with the most uproarious anecdote I've ever heard in my entire life. Problem is that it WASN'T funny; it was a daffy, incoherent limerick that interrupted the imminent doom of the situation. Death is literally on the wind...If I was in that situation I don't think I'd be making corny jokes about cough syrup. I'd be more interested in SURVIVAL or "PAINTING" A MAP OF HAWAII ON THE FACE OF MY SMOKING HOT WIFE BEFORE THE WHOLE GODDAMNED WORLD ENDS!!!
I don't know. Perhaps I'm just a little odd.
I was laughing uncontrollably at the absurdity and piss-poor writing that was presented in front of me. This is unintentional camp-comedy of the highest pedigree. But on a narrative level, seriously, there really is no reason any movie should ever be this nauseating.
All right. I'm finished. Um...horrible. That's all I'm going to say. This movie is Ludivico treatment-quality bad. Forcing somebody to watch this shit against their will would be a crime on par with first-degree rape. Coaxing someone to watch this is as monstrous as administering an impromptu torture session which involves jumper cables, a car battery and the victim's testes.
So thank you once again for your contribution to the world of cinema, Mr. Shyama-la-ma-ding-dong. It's been a delight to watch your candle burn out so embarrassingly--and--deservedly. Go plummet off of a building to your demise, you pretentious prick. At this point, it's the only trick you could pull off and continue to hold my attention. Unlike THE HAPPENING, I wouldn't be ashamed that I wasted 10 bucks for the price of admission, either.
I will more than likely purchase this movie when it is released on DVD (i.e.: five dollar bin at Wally World) and we will all have a BP-sponsored movie night so that we can all drink up and rip this film to shreds MST3K-style. Opportune laughing stock doesn't get much better than this.
Nevertheless, this is one of the worst films of the year *cough*decade*cough.
--Don't die in a fire--unless you're M. Night Shyama-la-ma-ding-dong.--
RFB
FUNNY GAMES U.S.
FUNNY GAMES U.S.
In late January, I traveled afar to see last year's Oscar-nominated THERE WILL BE BLOOD. While I was there at the screening, I saw many trailers for obscure independent films. While I do not remember what many of those films were, I do remember the trailer for the movie FUNNY GAMES U.S. It looked interesting, so I went home after TWBB and checked the movie's information online. It came to my attention that this was an Americanized remake of the Swedish horror film…FUNNY GAMES made by the same guy. The original is what is often called the "granddaddy" of the torture porn genre…but tragically, filmmakers completely failed to connect with the message and themes of this movie.
While I would otherwise shun another asinine remake of a foreign horror movie, I kept reading about the original, what it was about, etc. And it made sense that the director would remake his own film shot-by-shot, in response to the self-indulgent, disgusting plethora of vacuous horror films that were being shat out on what seemed to be a weekly basis.
Having finally seen it, I will only say three words about this film.
Ho. Lee. Shit.
This is a home invasion movie akin to the French horror film THEM or the American response of THE STRANGERS. However, where as at least THE STRANGERS (never seen THEM) intention was to scare you to the core, FUNNY GAMES U.S. has another agenda on its mind altogether.
You see, we have this complex in America called SADISM. As a collective cinema-going group, we enjoy blood; we enjoy cinematic violence. We revel upon faceless murderers who employ diverse, shocking tactics to dispatch hapless prey. On the flip side, we often side with the protagonist(s)/survivors as this world is a daily struggle of incessant ridicule. We cheer when the victims turn the tables on the aggressor. It's fun. It caters to our Id; to project impulses that we could never act out on in the course of our mundane reality. We slap down our hard-earned money to sit in a darkened theater for 1-2 hours to watch these monsters, "…fire it up" so to speak.
FUNNY GAMES U.S. turns that around and asks us: What happens when amusement is stripped from a horror film? Rather than focusing on our need to act out our sinister impulses we are instead forced to experience, in detail, the psychological and physical torture of the pending victims? What happens when the "fairy" is removed from the ending of a grisly, nihilistic tale?
In short, why the HELL did you pay to view an "entertaining" fable of two psychotic golfers that torture and subsequently murder a conjugal family to, in effect, entertain themselves?
FUNNY GAMES U.S. is not entertaining. AT ALL. I honestly can't see how anybody that is not currently convicted could find this film entertaining. But that's not a bad thing. That's the point. Rather than amuse or "entertain" you, it's meant to make you furious; to perturb and give you cause to think about why it distresses you.
Mark my words: This movie is disturbing. It's fucked up is more appropriate, actually. An impressive feat as there is only one scene of on-screen violence throughout the near 2-hour run of this movie. The brilliant, patient cinematography, coupled with the superb performances by Tim Roth and Naomi Watts as the family in danger accentuate the slow-burn of the circumstances. All of the violence is implied and sterile and I'm not gonna lie to you: Some of the events that took place were so heinous that I was frankly shocked to see them in an American movie at all. FUNNY GAMES U.S. purposely crosses the line several times to drive the point home: We're all a bunch of sick fucks. And it ain't cool. At all.
It was released this Tuesday on DVD and I give it the RFB SEAL OF APPROVAL. I'd recommend checking it out. This is an artistic film set to disturb and give room for reflection. FUNNY GAMES U.S. did just that and when a movie actually delivers on what it promises and intends, I must respect that.
--Don't die in a fire--
RFB
In late January, I traveled afar to see last year's Oscar-nominated THERE WILL BE BLOOD. While I was there at the screening, I saw many trailers for obscure independent films. While I do not remember what many of those films were, I do remember the trailer for the movie FUNNY GAMES U.S. It looked interesting, so I went home after TWBB and checked the movie's information online. It came to my attention that this was an Americanized remake of the Swedish horror film…FUNNY GAMES made by the same guy. The original is what is often called the "granddaddy" of the torture porn genre…but tragically, filmmakers completely failed to connect with the message and themes of this movie.
While I would otherwise shun another asinine remake of a foreign horror movie, I kept reading about the original, what it was about, etc. And it made sense that the director would remake his own film shot-by-shot, in response to the self-indulgent, disgusting plethora of vacuous horror films that were being shat out on what seemed to be a weekly basis.
Having finally seen it, I will only say three words about this film.
Ho. Lee. Shit.
This is a home invasion movie akin to the French horror film THEM or the American response of THE STRANGERS. However, where as at least THE STRANGERS (never seen THEM) intention was to scare you to the core, FUNNY GAMES U.S. has another agenda on its mind altogether.
You see, we have this complex in America called SADISM. As a collective cinema-going group, we enjoy blood; we enjoy cinematic violence. We revel upon faceless murderers who employ diverse, shocking tactics to dispatch hapless prey. On the flip side, we often side with the protagonist(s)/survivors as this world is a daily struggle of incessant ridicule. We cheer when the victims turn the tables on the aggressor. It's fun. It caters to our Id; to project impulses that we could never act out on in the course of our mundane reality. We slap down our hard-earned money to sit in a darkened theater for 1-2 hours to watch these monsters, "…fire it up" so to speak.
FUNNY GAMES U.S. turns that around and asks us: What happens when amusement is stripped from a horror film? Rather than focusing on our need to act out our sinister impulses we are instead forced to experience, in detail, the psychological and physical torture of the pending victims? What happens when the "fairy" is removed from the ending of a grisly, nihilistic tale?
In short, why the HELL did you pay to view an "entertaining" fable of two psychotic golfers that torture and subsequently murder a conjugal family to, in effect, entertain themselves?
FUNNY GAMES U.S. is not entertaining. AT ALL. I honestly can't see how anybody that is not currently convicted could find this film entertaining. But that's not a bad thing. That's the point. Rather than amuse or "entertain" you, it's meant to make you furious; to perturb and give you cause to think about why it distresses you.
Mark my words: This movie is disturbing. It's fucked up is more appropriate, actually. An impressive feat as there is only one scene of on-screen violence throughout the near 2-hour run of this movie. The brilliant, patient cinematography, coupled with the superb performances by Tim Roth and Naomi Watts as the family in danger accentuate the slow-burn of the circumstances. All of the violence is implied and sterile and I'm not gonna lie to you: Some of the events that took place were so heinous that I was frankly shocked to see them in an American movie at all. FUNNY GAMES U.S. purposely crosses the line several times to drive the point home: We're all a bunch of sick fucks. And it ain't cool. At all.
It was released this Tuesday on DVD and I give it the RFB SEAL OF APPROVAL. I'd recommend checking it out. This is an artistic film set to disturb and give room for reflection. FUNNY GAMES U.S. did just that and when a movie actually delivers on what it promises and intends, I must respect that.
--Don't die in a fire--
RFB
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
How about 'dem STRANGERS?
THE STRANGERS
Real quick admission: I'm not a very big fan of the horror genre. And that's kind of ironic coming from me, the guy who always mentions murder or death or dismemberment on average of every 1.3 seconds. I don't know. They just aren't for me. I enjoy a severed head or forcible eye removal as much as the next guy, don't get me wrong. I just don't like horror films that much in general. They're often poorly made, financially and structurally; they rarely ever scare me and they're all derivative of each other. Many of them are born out of pure indulgence and exploitation. Honestly, I find most of them insulting in just about every way: Ethically, socially, narratively and artistically...if there is any art to mine from them whatsoever. And many of them are highly misogynistic in nature and those who have known me for some time know that I have nothing but respect for women....
Of course this doesn't mean that there aren't some gems out there. I love Romero's DEAD series. PSYCHO is in the top 20 list of greatest films of all time catalog. ALIEN remains one of my top 10 favorite movies ever made. Raimi's EVIL DEAD trilogy...three words: BRUCE FUCKIN' CAMPBELL. The original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE is a meticulous blend of intentional (and unintentional) dark humor and the macabre. Most other horror films I could care less about.
It is admittedly my least favorite genre of motion pictures, hands down. Though, then again, of every genre of film, horror has the most sub-genres: Body horror, psychological horror, horror-thriller, monster horror, giant monster horror, slasher horror, comedy-horror, torture porn horror (i.e.: death of cinema), etc. My favorite, I guess, would have to be the psychological horror sub-genre. It's the only sub-genre with a sense of sophistication and class, where as the others are mostly about knives-in-the-foreheads and loose women who show us their naughty bits.
And what the shit is all of this torture porn shit? "Hey, let's just cut people to bits and show an incessant amount of gore for no reason!!!!!" It defeats it's purpose: First of all, violence in film has grown so extreme over the years that we've all grown de-sensitized to it. Secondly, we have a little organization in the states called the MPAA (aka pretentious cocksuckers).
Their job is to view and subsequently stamp the movie with an initial to relegate it's release to the intended audience. That means...and I'm talking to you, ya self-indulgent, amateur hack directors, that any "shocking" or "traumatizing" violence would not make it past the censors and it has to be trimmed down or eliminated from the film altogether. And's it is not scary. What's the purpose of creating stark, "graphic" violent films if they aren't at least mildly humorous or entertaining? MUTILATION NOT AS FRIGHTENING AS WHAT CAUSES HUMAN BEINGS TO COMMIT ACTS LIKE THESE.
Actually, you know where torture porn comes from? It's a gathering of burnt-out, movie screenwriters/producers/directors (who may or may not possess a collective IQ that ranges low into the double-digits) sitting around a glass coffee table, cutting up an 8-ball into tiny lines, snorting those lines of yayo and then coming up with the most "creative" ways to kill people off.
I'd go so far as to say that looking at the piss-poor quality of them, the only "shock value" to be derived is having to acknowledge that they were actually made by human hands.
Saw, Hostel, that remake-of-the-week shit. Garbage. All of 'em. Not one good thing can be said about any of these films, whatsoever. Irredeemable in every way possible.
So how was THE STRANGERS?
Ho. Lee. Shit.
This film is getting mixed to mostly bad reviews. And to the snobby, elitist critics who are completely panning it from head to toe, to you I say: Fuck you, and yo' mama. While it is certainly far from a perfect film, any professional critic with an iota of credibility will at least admit that this is a well made film, especially for a first time director. This is a great debut film, I look forward to seeing what other movies he has in store for us. The man clearly has talent for building tension and suspense and he has a wonderful eye for detail. It actually feels like a motion picture, not just an exercise in self-indulgence.
The basis of most horror films are like this: Protagonists (often unlikable assholes...keep this in mind; it comes in later) go somewhere. Add supernatural/psychotic/alien element that hunts them down and kills them all off, leaving one alive so they can run around like a horse's ass and send us on our way home so we can write a letter to the studio demanding our money back. THE STRANGERS is no different, just without the demand for a refund, okay? We need more movies like this. So write a letter to the CEO of whatever-the-fuck company made this film and tell him we need more like them. Just trust me on this. I said it so it has to be true.
Many of them are cautionary tales. Messages vary from: "Hey, don't be a dick or some maniac will cut your head off" to "Hey, don't be a dick or a monster will eat your head." What can I say? The horror genre is a versatile one. And if THE STRANGERS could be seen as a cautionary tale, its message is this:
"YOU SHOULDN'T SMOKE. IT MAKES YOU A DICK. PLUS, IF YOU SMOKE, OR LEAVE YOUR HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT TO PICK UP SMOKES, THREE MASKED MANIACS WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE, BANG ON YOUR DOOR ASKING FOR SOME GIRL WHO DOESN'T EXIST AND PROCEED TO TORMENT YOU UNTIL DAWN ."
This film was a bit more expansive on the themes of comeuppance. I don't know. That's the way I saw it, at least.
In other horror films, you want these people to get sliced the fuck up. Doesn't matter the sin: Fuckers, drinkers, stoners, smokers, etc. Whatever the sin is, they're gonna be punished for it 'cause to Hollywood, murder is a victimless crime. And it's goddamn great entertainment. Watching unlikable people hit the bucket is a universal fantasy, one we sadly can't live out in real life 'cause modern day forensics are so advanced we'd eventually go to jail for commiting these acts, regardless of how meticulous we'd be carrying them out. And it's a damn shame, really. The government has sucked all the fun out of life, I tell ya.
That's not THE STRANGERS. From the very get-go, there is a tension and atmosphere not inherent in many other horror films. This film builds upon it's characterizations by injecting raw emotion instead of cheap plot devices to make these victims appear to be more than one-dimensional. Instead of wishing them harm to appease our sadistic fantasies, it puts us in their shoes and we begin to root for them to survive. It's a psychological horror film; one that draws on the, "bump-in-the-night" aspect of fear and it's highly effective.
The cinematography is stunning. The "kitchen" scene (you've seen it in the trailer and commercials I'm sure) had the audience screaming unlike anything I've ever seen before in my life. For one thing, what makes this scene so frightening is that the perpetrator of terror (killer, for short) is a bit obscure, out of focus. But when I heard the screaming I thought there was a cobra or some shit loose in the theater and it was slithering up and down the aisles but then I looked harder to see what was going on and I saw that it was some dude in a cheap Scarecrow-wannabe costume chilling out, stalking an unsuspecting Liv Tyler from a distance as she smoked a cigarette in her kitchen. To each their own, I guess.
When I saw the trailer attached to DOOMSDAY and this scene in the trailer flashed on-screen....well. I'm not one to get frightened, scared or spooked very easily. While I thought it was a brilliant scene in the way it was shot and put together, it pissed me off 'cause I was there to see a movie about Rhona Mitra's sports bra, not nearly piss myself in a crowded theater.
Well, it's three in the morning, I can't cut and paste this shit to my computer, so...I'm gonna wrap it up real quick. Plus, I'm not used to making positive comments about anything or anybody whatsoever, so maybe I should just stick with what I know.
In a nutshell, here is the rest of the review I was intending to write but I passed out instead:
Watch for the cameo of Dennis from IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA as the victim of a shotgun blast to the face; his career is going places...The end sucks...alot of buildup with no genuine pay-off...dialogue and performances are good but the director and screenwriter clearly didn't know how to wrap up his story so several instances of deus ex machina plagued the film towards the anti-climatic finale...not alot of blood...it is scary...it builds upon the tension real well...the "strangers" are menacing and grounded in reality...evidently they were students at the same ninja university Bruce Wayne attended in BATMAN BEGINS...The first and second appearance of The Scarecrow-poser are both frightening, even if one of them is predictable...Editing: Good...Cinematography: Fan-fuckin'-tastic...Would've been nice to have had a theme as the glue of every movie is the theme...Skipping record player was a nice, haunting touch...could become a classic in a few years...undeniably a better definition of horror than that gay-ass torture porn shit...I won't sleep for a week I'm so scared...yada, yada, yada.
So until next time: Fuck you, yo' mama, etc. I'm tired.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
Real quick admission: I'm not a very big fan of the horror genre. And that's kind of ironic coming from me, the guy who always mentions murder or death or dismemberment on average of every 1.3 seconds. I don't know. They just aren't for me. I enjoy a severed head or forcible eye removal as much as the next guy, don't get me wrong. I just don't like horror films that much in general. They're often poorly made, financially and structurally; they rarely ever scare me and they're all derivative of each other. Many of them are born out of pure indulgence and exploitation. Honestly, I find most of them insulting in just about every way: Ethically, socially, narratively and artistically...if there is any art to mine from them whatsoever. And many of them are highly misogynistic in nature and those who have known me for some time know that I have nothing but respect for women....
Of course this doesn't mean that there aren't some gems out there. I love Romero's DEAD series. PSYCHO is in the top 20 list of greatest films of all time catalog. ALIEN remains one of my top 10 favorite movies ever made. Raimi's EVIL DEAD trilogy...three words: BRUCE FUCKIN' CAMPBELL. The original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE is a meticulous blend of intentional (and unintentional) dark humor and the macabre. Most other horror films I could care less about.
It is admittedly my least favorite genre of motion pictures, hands down. Though, then again, of every genre of film, horror has the most sub-genres: Body horror, psychological horror, horror-thriller, monster horror, giant monster horror, slasher horror, comedy-horror, torture porn horror (i.e.: death of cinema), etc. My favorite, I guess, would have to be the psychological horror sub-genre. It's the only sub-genre with a sense of sophistication and class, where as the others are mostly about knives-in-the-foreheads and loose women who show us their naughty bits.
And what the shit is all of this torture porn shit? "Hey, let's just cut people to bits and show an incessant amount of gore for no reason!!!!!" It defeats it's purpose: First of all, violence in film has grown so extreme over the years that we've all grown de-sensitized to it. Secondly, we have a little organization in the states called the MPAA (aka pretentious cocksuckers).
Their job is to view and subsequently stamp the movie with an initial to relegate it's release to the intended audience. That means...and I'm talking to you, ya self-indulgent, amateur hack directors, that any "shocking" or "traumatizing" violence would not make it past the censors and it has to be trimmed down or eliminated from the film altogether. And's it is not scary. What's the purpose of creating stark, "graphic" violent films if they aren't at least mildly humorous or entertaining? MUTILATION NOT AS FRIGHTENING AS WHAT CAUSES HUMAN BEINGS TO COMMIT ACTS LIKE THESE.
Actually, you know where torture porn comes from? It's a gathering of burnt-out, movie screenwriters/producers/directors (who may or may not possess a collective IQ that ranges low into the double-digits) sitting around a glass coffee table, cutting up an 8-ball into tiny lines, snorting those lines of yayo and then coming up with the most "creative" ways to kill people off.
I'd go so far as to say that looking at the piss-poor quality of them, the only "shock value" to be derived is having to acknowledge that they were actually made by human hands.
Saw, Hostel, that remake-of-the-week shit. Garbage. All of 'em. Not one good thing can be said about any of these films, whatsoever. Irredeemable in every way possible.
So how was THE STRANGERS?
Ho. Lee. Shit.
This film is getting mixed to mostly bad reviews. And to the snobby, elitist critics who are completely panning it from head to toe, to you I say: Fuck you, and yo' mama. While it is certainly far from a perfect film, any professional critic with an iota of credibility will at least admit that this is a well made film, especially for a first time director. This is a great debut film, I look forward to seeing what other movies he has in store for us. The man clearly has talent for building tension and suspense and he has a wonderful eye for detail. It actually feels like a motion picture, not just an exercise in self-indulgence.
The basis of most horror films are like this: Protagonists (often unlikable assholes...keep this in mind; it comes in later) go somewhere. Add supernatural/psychotic/alien element that hunts them down and kills them all off, leaving one alive so they can run around like a horse's ass and send us on our way home so we can write a letter to the studio demanding our money back. THE STRANGERS is no different, just without the demand for a refund, okay? We need more movies like this. So write a letter to the CEO of whatever-the-fuck company made this film and tell him we need more like them. Just trust me on this. I said it so it has to be true.
Many of them are cautionary tales. Messages vary from: "Hey, don't be a dick or some maniac will cut your head off" to "Hey, don't be a dick or a monster will eat your head." What can I say? The horror genre is a versatile one. And if THE STRANGERS could be seen as a cautionary tale, its message is this:
"YOU SHOULDN'T SMOKE. IT MAKES YOU A DICK. PLUS, IF YOU SMOKE, OR LEAVE YOUR HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT TO PICK UP SMOKES, THREE MASKED MANIACS WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE, BANG ON YOUR DOOR ASKING FOR SOME GIRL WHO DOESN'T EXIST AND PROCEED TO TORMENT YOU UNTIL DAWN ."
This film was a bit more expansive on the themes of comeuppance. I don't know. That's the way I saw it, at least.
In other horror films, you want these people to get sliced the fuck up. Doesn't matter the sin: Fuckers, drinkers, stoners, smokers, etc. Whatever the sin is, they're gonna be punished for it 'cause to Hollywood, murder is a victimless crime. And it's goddamn great entertainment. Watching unlikable people hit the bucket is a universal fantasy, one we sadly can't live out in real life 'cause modern day forensics are so advanced we'd eventually go to jail for commiting these acts, regardless of how meticulous we'd be carrying them out. And it's a damn shame, really. The government has sucked all the fun out of life, I tell ya.
That's not THE STRANGERS. From the very get-go, there is a tension and atmosphere not inherent in many other horror films. This film builds upon it's characterizations by injecting raw emotion instead of cheap plot devices to make these victims appear to be more than one-dimensional. Instead of wishing them harm to appease our sadistic fantasies, it puts us in their shoes and we begin to root for them to survive. It's a psychological horror film; one that draws on the, "bump-in-the-night" aspect of fear and it's highly effective.
The cinematography is stunning. The "kitchen" scene (you've seen it in the trailer and commercials I'm sure) had the audience screaming unlike anything I've ever seen before in my life. For one thing, what makes this scene so frightening is that the perpetrator of terror (killer, for short) is a bit obscure, out of focus. But when I heard the screaming I thought there was a cobra or some shit loose in the theater and it was slithering up and down the aisles but then I looked harder to see what was going on and I saw that it was some dude in a cheap Scarecrow-wannabe costume chilling out, stalking an unsuspecting Liv Tyler from a distance as she smoked a cigarette in her kitchen. To each their own, I guess.
When I saw the trailer attached to DOOMSDAY and this scene in the trailer flashed on-screen....well. I'm not one to get frightened, scared or spooked very easily. While I thought it was a brilliant scene in the way it was shot and put together, it pissed me off 'cause I was there to see a movie about Rhona Mitra's sports bra, not nearly piss myself in a crowded theater.
Well, it's three in the morning, I can't cut and paste this shit to my computer, so...I'm gonna wrap it up real quick. Plus, I'm not used to making positive comments about anything or anybody whatsoever, so maybe I should just stick with what I know.
In a nutshell, here is the rest of the review I was intending to write but I passed out instead:
Watch for the cameo of Dennis from IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA as the victim of a shotgun blast to the face; his career is going places...The end sucks...alot of buildup with no genuine pay-off...dialogue and performances are good but the director and screenwriter clearly didn't know how to wrap up his story so several instances of deus ex machina plagued the film towards the anti-climatic finale...not alot of blood...it is scary...it builds upon the tension real well...the "strangers" are menacing and grounded in reality...evidently they were students at the same ninja university Bruce Wayne attended in BATMAN BEGINS...The first and second appearance of The Scarecrow-poser are both frightening, even if one of them is predictable...Editing: Good...Cinematography: Fan-fuckin'-tastic...Would've been nice to have had a theme as the glue of every movie is the theme...Skipping record player was a nice, haunting touch...could become a classic in a few years...undeniably a better definition of horror than that gay-ass torture porn shit...I won't sleep for a week I'm so scared...yada, yada, yada.
So until next time: Fuck you, yo' mama, etc. I'm tired.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
REVENGE OF THE LEDGOKER
THE LEDGOKER
Two months to go for that DARK KNIGHT movie. I know many of you are looking forward to it. "When's the Dark Knight coming out, RFB? When's the knight getting dark, RFB? Are you gonna wear your Doberman pincher mask to the midnight showing, RFB? Blah, blah, blah." Many of you have seen the new trailer. Many of you probably popped a boner sandwich or cheered when you saw that now-iconic shot of Batman gliding above Hong-Kong (yes, Hong-Kong, not Gotham City….you can see the sign of Japanese hieroglyphics or whatever-the-fuck you call them when he's hovering besides the one building in the trailer).
Anyhoo, in the interest of things, I have to bring this up 'cause it's kind of the elephant in the room so to speak. Good ol' Heath Ledger. He went from a token heartthrob in 10 Things I Hate About You to redefining "sheep-herding" in Brokeback Mountain.
In short, he's versatile. As in was.
In case you didn't hear, he died. He was an unconventional movie actor; a fervent method actor meaning he really did give Donnie Darko a cleft asshole in Brokeback. At least that's what my sources told me. Anyhoo, he is in this movie as The Ledgoker and he looks good. So more power to him. Even though he's dead. He developed insomnia while shooting this movie and he needed to sleep. So…that's what he's doing now. He got what he wanted so…I don't know. Great success, I guess. I'm happy for him.
Seriously, though. (wHy sO SEriOUs?) From what I've seen, I love his Joker. (Love that Joker!) And here is the thing many of you may not know: You're not supposed to like the motherfucker. (THIS TOWN NEEDS A…Alright. I'll stop now.) I absolutely love him, but I'm also a sadistic prick who thrives off of other people's misery. Oh, well. You know what they say. Nobody is perfect.
I wasn't completely sold with Ledger as The Ledgoker until this trailer. There is a line where he says something like: "This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I'm gonna give it to 'em. You'll see. I'll show you." Imagine Jack Nicholson with that line in the original BATMAN. Sarcasm comes to mind, right? Perhaps a sense of self-awareness?
The Ledgoker isn't like that. He delivers this line straightforward, as if he were dedicating some vocal love for his puppy or something. As if it's some predestined duty for him to thrust Gotham into a state of panic and disorder, and like all contingent workers, he's more than happy to oblige.
He's not cracking a joke: HE FUCKIN' MEANS IT. And when The Ledgoker does crack a joke, I guarantee you it will be after he does something seriously fucked up like…I don't know. Blowing up the whole GODDAMN GOTHAM GENERAL HOSPITAL KILLING EVERY MOTHERFUCKER INSIDE!!! Which, I assure you, he does. So he cracks a corny joke, blows up something large, runs down a street whilst peppered in clown make-up and sprays a stream of machine gun fire into random people, etc. This is all inference as I've yet to see the film. But that's what I want. That's what I'm paying for. I'm not asking for a lot here. Come on. I wanna have some pure 100% Americana fun here. (Stock entertainment value of watching sheeple suffer/die. Don't be a prude.)
And furthermore…dammit. You gotta admire that kind of commitment. "I'm gonna blow up the whole hospital 'cause I'm supposed to." Most people would cower away and make irrelevant excuses like, "That's wrong" or "…it's too messy". Come on, folks. Time to grow up. Let's make an attempt to be responsible and to do the right thing for America, the world, the children, etc. Our paradigm of work ethic has faded in this country and it's sad. Imagine how much better the nation would be if everybody was like The Ledgoker.
And to parallel that, Heath Ledger was so committed that he died for this role. You know how in Dead Man's Chest, Johnny Depp sacrificed his life so he could be eaten by a giant sea monster in the biggest instance of Deus Ex Machina in cinema history? Yeah. Well fuck that guy. Heath Ledger died so he could bring you the greatest, most balls-out goddamned Ledgoker the world has ever seen. This is brilliant marketing here. Why don't we replace Brandon Routh with Ashton Kutcher for the next Superman movie titled: Superman Returns Again--But-this-time-he-does-more-than-lifts-heavy-shit. And Ashton will get so into-character that eventually he'll realize that he can't act at all, so he'll off himself…achieving a self-fulfilling prophecy that could only be valued as an overdue public service.
This could start a new trend…I certainly hope it picks up. It's fuckin' awesome. I'm disappointed that Warner Bros. hasn't capitalized on this "tragedy" more. You know? People that weren't interested in this film are gonna go see it just 'cause they like Heath and are interested in the performance.
DEAD ACTOR + MORE PEOPLE AT THE OPENING SHOW RUINING MY DARK KNIGHT EXPERIENCE=MORE MONEY.
So, shame on you, Warner. You're slacking. You have a large fanbase here and the last thing you want to do is alienate them.
Anyhoo, The Dark Knight is a like an art house flick concealed through subterfuge. It has it all. Sociopolitical commentary. Psychological elements. Explosions. Killer clowns (but not from outer space). And Christian Bale in a Doberman pincher costume, reciting sociopolitical verbatim while kicking the shit out of psycho killer clowns not-from-outer-space.
In short, the essential makings of a great motion picture experience.
I have no doubt this film will push the envelope for the PG-13 rating ala War of the Worlds or Cloverfield. The Joker is very much an R-rated character in a PG-13 world. And I like that. TDK is gonna be a psychological, dangerous-thought film like A CLOCKWORK ORANGE or FIGHT CLUB. Take for instance: I recently came across a conceptual picture of Two-Face and the only thing I can say is: Ho. Lee. Shit. I can see exactly why they are keeping the character so heavily under wrap 'cause kids are gonna have nightmares over this grotesque motherfucker.
If you're not there on midnight July 17th, what're gonna tell your children? "I missed THE DARK KNIGHT (i.e.: BIGGEST GODDAMNED MOVIE OF THE DECADE) opening night 'cause I was too busy downloading Akon's new album to my iPod?" What the shit is that shit? Go see the goddamned movie 'cause I said so. This is The Empire Strikes Back of our time. I am the leading authority on Batman. Trust me. I am asked at least once a day when the new Batman is coming out. July 18th. Asshole. Apparently I'm the only one that knows this. So your ass better be at the theater because asking me would be an exercise in futility if you are not there opening night. Don't allow my intimate knowledge of The Batman to be wasted here, people.
This is my (BOURNE) ultimatum. If you don't see this film opening night, it's going to get ugly. I mean, Chloe Lattanzi from MTV's ROCK THE CRADLE ugly. Nonetheless, even though she is kind of grotesque, I'd still hit it. Pretty eyes. Misshaped head, though. I don't mean to go off on a little tangent or even end on this note, but…well…it's somewhat relevant. If they made a sequel, they could cast her as Harley Quinn. She could pull it off based on looks alone. Most horrific looking villain this side of The Predator, I think.
P.S.: Google her name real quick and browse the images. You're bound to run into a few images of the puppet from the SAW movies.
…On second thought, never mind. Even I'm not that desperate. (I'm just joking. I really am. So I'd hit it, I guess. I don't know.)
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
P.S.: To end my criticism on the Ledgoker, I would like to send you off with a little anecdote. The other night, a commercial for the movie popped up and the girl I was with (don't worry about who she was…okay…It was my mom) and she asked if this was a commercial for Batman. And I thought to myself, "Okay. 1) You have Christian Bale in a Doberman pincher outfit crashing on top of moving vans and 2) You have Heath Ledger in clown make-up talking about how he is gonna kill people and then firing an RPG at a black hummer/hybrid tank. Unless the Ringling Bros. have completely changed up their routine or act, I would think this would HAVE to be THE DARK KNIGHT. This ain't the fuckin' circus, ma!!! I mean, I kind of wish this was a new circus act 'cause that shit would be awesome, ya know? Sexy male icon in a Doberman pincher outfit, cruising around in his fuel-efficient hummer/ tank hybrid and a killer clown (not from outer space) firing rockets at the crowd. You just know you'd pay to see that shit up close.
That's what I think! I guess.
Two months to go for that DARK KNIGHT movie. I know many of you are looking forward to it. "When's the Dark Knight coming out, RFB? When's the knight getting dark, RFB? Are you gonna wear your Doberman pincher mask to the midnight showing, RFB? Blah, blah, blah." Many of you have seen the new trailer. Many of you probably popped a boner sandwich or cheered when you saw that now-iconic shot of Batman gliding above Hong-Kong (yes, Hong-Kong, not Gotham City….you can see the sign of Japanese hieroglyphics or whatever-the-fuck you call them when he's hovering besides the one building in the trailer).
Anyhoo, in the interest of things, I have to bring this up 'cause it's kind of the elephant in the room so to speak. Good ol' Heath Ledger. He went from a token heartthrob in 10 Things I Hate About You to redefining "sheep-herding" in Brokeback Mountain.
In short, he's versatile. As in was.
In case you didn't hear, he died. He was an unconventional movie actor; a fervent method actor meaning he really did give Donnie Darko a cleft asshole in Brokeback. At least that's what my sources told me. Anyhoo, he is in this movie as The Ledgoker and he looks good. So more power to him. Even though he's dead. He developed insomnia while shooting this movie and he needed to sleep. So…that's what he's doing now. He got what he wanted so…I don't know. Great success, I guess. I'm happy for him.
Seriously, though. (wHy sO SEriOUs?) From what I've seen, I love his Joker. (Love that Joker!) And here is the thing many of you may not know: You're not supposed to like the motherfucker. (THIS TOWN NEEDS A…Alright. I'll stop now.) I absolutely love him, but I'm also a sadistic prick who thrives off of other people's misery. Oh, well. You know what they say. Nobody is perfect.
I wasn't completely sold with Ledger as The Ledgoker until this trailer. There is a line where he says something like: "This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I'm gonna give it to 'em. You'll see. I'll show you." Imagine Jack Nicholson with that line in the original BATMAN. Sarcasm comes to mind, right? Perhaps a sense of self-awareness?
The Ledgoker isn't like that. He delivers this line straightforward, as if he were dedicating some vocal love for his puppy or something. As if it's some predestined duty for him to thrust Gotham into a state of panic and disorder, and like all contingent workers, he's more than happy to oblige.
He's not cracking a joke: HE FUCKIN' MEANS IT. And when The Ledgoker does crack a joke, I guarantee you it will be after he does something seriously fucked up like…I don't know. Blowing up the whole GODDAMN GOTHAM GENERAL HOSPITAL KILLING EVERY MOTHERFUCKER INSIDE!!! Which, I assure you, he does. So he cracks a corny joke, blows up something large, runs down a street whilst peppered in clown make-up and sprays a stream of machine gun fire into random people, etc. This is all inference as I've yet to see the film. But that's what I want. That's what I'm paying for. I'm not asking for a lot here. Come on. I wanna have some pure 100% Americana fun here. (Stock entertainment value of watching sheeple suffer/die. Don't be a prude.)
And furthermore…dammit. You gotta admire that kind of commitment. "I'm gonna blow up the whole hospital 'cause I'm supposed to." Most people would cower away and make irrelevant excuses like, "That's wrong" or "…it's too messy". Come on, folks. Time to grow up. Let's make an attempt to be responsible and to do the right thing for America, the world, the children, etc. Our paradigm of work ethic has faded in this country and it's sad. Imagine how much better the nation would be if everybody was like The Ledgoker.
And to parallel that, Heath Ledger was so committed that he died for this role. You know how in Dead Man's Chest, Johnny Depp sacrificed his life so he could be eaten by a giant sea monster in the biggest instance of Deus Ex Machina in cinema history? Yeah. Well fuck that guy. Heath Ledger died so he could bring you the greatest, most balls-out goddamned Ledgoker the world has ever seen. This is brilliant marketing here. Why don't we replace Brandon Routh with Ashton Kutcher for the next Superman movie titled: Superman Returns Again--But-this-time-he-does-more-than-lifts-heavy-shit. And Ashton will get so into-character that eventually he'll realize that he can't act at all, so he'll off himself…achieving a self-fulfilling prophecy that could only be valued as an overdue public service.
This could start a new trend…I certainly hope it picks up. It's fuckin' awesome. I'm disappointed that Warner Bros. hasn't capitalized on this "tragedy" more. You know? People that weren't interested in this film are gonna go see it just 'cause they like Heath and are interested in the performance.
DEAD ACTOR + MORE PEOPLE AT THE OPENING SHOW RUINING MY DARK KNIGHT EXPERIENCE=MORE MONEY.
So, shame on you, Warner. You're slacking. You have a large fanbase here and the last thing you want to do is alienate them.
Anyhoo, The Dark Knight is a like an art house flick concealed through subterfuge. It has it all. Sociopolitical commentary. Psychological elements. Explosions. Killer clowns (but not from outer space). And Christian Bale in a Doberman pincher costume, reciting sociopolitical verbatim while kicking the shit out of psycho killer clowns not-from-outer-space.
In short, the essential makings of a great motion picture experience.
I have no doubt this film will push the envelope for the PG-13 rating ala War of the Worlds or Cloverfield. The Joker is very much an R-rated character in a PG-13 world. And I like that. TDK is gonna be a psychological, dangerous-thought film like A CLOCKWORK ORANGE or FIGHT CLUB. Take for instance: I recently came across a conceptual picture of Two-Face and the only thing I can say is: Ho. Lee. Shit. I can see exactly why they are keeping the character so heavily under wrap 'cause kids are gonna have nightmares over this grotesque motherfucker.
If you're not there on midnight July 17th, what're gonna tell your children? "I missed THE DARK KNIGHT (i.e.: BIGGEST GODDAMNED MOVIE OF THE DECADE) opening night 'cause I was too busy downloading Akon's new album to my iPod?" What the shit is that shit? Go see the goddamned movie 'cause I said so. This is The Empire Strikes Back of our time. I am the leading authority on Batman. Trust me. I am asked at least once a day when the new Batman is coming out. July 18th. Asshole. Apparently I'm the only one that knows this. So your ass better be at the theater because asking me would be an exercise in futility if you are not there opening night. Don't allow my intimate knowledge of The Batman to be wasted here, people.
This is my (BOURNE) ultimatum. If you don't see this film opening night, it's going to get ugly. I mean, Chloe Lattanzi from MTV's ROCK THE CRADLE ugly. Nonetheless, even though she is kind of grotesque, I'd still hit it. Pretty eyes. Misshaped head, though. I don't mean to go off on a little tangent or even end on this note, but…well…it's somewhat relevant. If they made a sequel, they could cast her as Harley Quinn. She could pull it off based on looks alone. Most horrific looking villain this side of The Predator, I think.
P.S.: Google her name real quick and browse the images. You're bound to run into a few images of the puppet from the SAW movies.
…On second thought, never mind. Even I'm not that desperate. (I'm just joking. I really am. So I'd hit it, I guess. I don't know.)
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
P.S.: To end my criticism on the Ledgoker, I would like to send you off with a little anecdote. The other night, a commercial for the movie popped up and the girl I was with (don't worry about who she was…okay…It was my mom) and she asked if this was a commercial for Batman. And I thought to myself, "Okay. 1) You have Christian Bale in a Doberman pincher outfit crashing on top of moving vans and 2) You have Heath Ledger in clown make-up talking about how he is gonna kill people and then firing an RPG at a black hummer/hybrid tank. Unless the Ringling Bros. have completely changed up their routine or act, I would think this would HAVE to be THE DARK KNIGHT. This ain't the fuckin' circus, ma!!! I mean, I kind of wish this was a new circus act 'cause that shit would be awesome, ya know? Sexy male icon in a Doberman pincher outfit, cruising around in his fuel-efficient hummer/ tank hybrid and a killer clown (not from outer space) firing rockets at the crowd. You just know you'd pay to see that shit up close.
That's what I think! I guess.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...
DR. HENRY JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…
When I was a little boy, I remember watching DR. JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM. It scared the shit out of me when that one dude ripped the heart out of that one dude. I ran to my room and presumably shat my pants and buried my head in the pillows. I don't know. Such a long time ago; I cannot remember.
By the way, this has absolutely nothing to do with the review. I just wanted to share that.
Anyhoo, in order to analyze the fourth installment of DR. HENRY JONES, I must share my opinions on the other films…and I shall do so by using a story of metaphor. The story is about a timeless romance that goes horribly, horribly wrong. Here is how it goes:
MARIACHI=SPIELBERG
MARIA=US (AUDIENCE)
RELATIONSHIP=DR. JONES FILMS…got it?
Once upon a time…there was a mariachi who fell in love with an affluent girl named Maria. He took her out on a couple of dates and she felt that it wouldn't work. But he wooed her by playing an indelible theme on his guitar. So they fell in love, it was great. He hit all the right notes; played the puzzle right. They fell head-over-heels in love with each other and married. I would call this the RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK period of love. Eventually, the two prospered together and he became the owner of a cruise ship service and he had one favorite ship that, on their honeymoon, he took Maria out and all was good, romantic and flawless (take note of this subplot; it'll be important later on).
The TEMPLE OF DOOM period was a bit more complicated, though. The two were going through strife in their marriage. Maria was now finding faults in the relationship and with Mariachi himself. However, regardless of how bad these failings were, she was able to overlook them and continue with the relationship. And the acknowledgment of human frailty gave the relationship a sense of gravitas and complexity, hence strengthening the two and giving their romance a depth it did not have prior.
Then, years later, we have THE LAST CRUSADE where the problems are still there but they've been to therapy, blah, blah, blah and they still enjoy each other's company. The relationship hits a high point when they realize that ALL GOOD THINGS MUST END so they part ways and divorce. They end on a high note, they kiss and hug and all that gay shit. They close out on good terms and Mariachi goes down another road to achieve good fortune.
Well…Mariachi had to be an asshole and reopen this can of worms so he goes back and searches for Maria. And when he finds her, they rekindle their relationship. So, for nostalgic reasons, he takes her out on the same cruise ship as before to celebrate their now defunct anniversary.
And during that time, Mariachi acts a motherfuckin' fool.
He locks Maria into their private suite, bangs every female passenger aboard the ship, drinks all of the alcohol at the bar, he shits in every toilet on-hand and fires off all of the flares…just because he can. Maria is understandably upset at all of this. But he still plays that same song on that old guitar with the intent of atoning for his sins by catering to the nostalgia factor. But it isn't appeasing Maria 'cause all he is doing is making a mockery of everything their relationship once stood for.
The story ends with Mariachi tying Maria to the stern of the boat and as he sails away on his escape dingy as his greatest investment begins to sink, he looks back, waves BON VOYAGE!, gives Maria the middle finger and screams, "FUCK YOU, BITCH! I JUST USED YOU FOR THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That is DR. JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
DR. JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH is a cruel, sadistic joke created by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas where they grab the audience by the throat, fuck them in the ass and polish them off with a dirty sanchez. And as their flaring by-product sinks into the sea, they pull down their pants and ask us to kiss it.
This is a travesty. I've never been this disappointed with a sequel in my entire life—and I'm not even an avid fan of this series.
Mark your calendars, folks. May 22, 2008 is a day that will live on in infamy. It was the day Cinema truly lost its innocence. The fact that Dr. Jones has another installment and it's this unfathomably awful…it confirms the old American mantra: If it ain't broke, BREAK IT.
THE LAST CRUSADE is a great movie. I absolutely adore it. And I felt that it was a PERFECT way to end the INDIANA JONES series. But no. Spielberg and co. have to go back and completely ruin any and all integrity this series once possessed, all for the sake of the good ol' American dollar. The words INDIANA JONES will no longer be associated with SUPREME ADVENTURE or GODDAMNED GREATEST ACTION SERIES OF ALL TIME. Oh, no. Now any phrase containing the words INDIANA or JONES will now be associated with guilt, shame and disgust.
Supporting characters? Practically non-existant. Flat-out awful. They're introduced as expositional one-dimensional devices used to advance the plodding storyline along. Ray Winstone (Mr. French from THE DEPARTED and the voice of Beowulf in BADWOLF) is an absolutely useless, obnoxious throw-away, indecisive, bi-polar player. Jim Broadbent does absolutely nothing in this film. He must've needed the money really bad. John Hurt acts his character out as stringy autistic-esque comic relief. Needless to say, he overstays his welcome within his introductory scene in the movie. Karen Allen returns merely for the nostalgic value. Marion Ravenwood was amongst the coolest tough women in the history of cinema and in the fourth installment, all she does is drive an armored death vehicle through the Amazon and yell at Shia LeBeouf 'cause he's doesn't know how to comb his hair. Allen would've been better as an obscure cameo; just show up and wink at the camera. That's the whole purpose of her reappearance in the series and it's way too drawn out.
And most importantly, Shia LeBOOF'S character is embarrassingly bad. His introduction sequence is meant to be COOL and ICONIC. Instead, it turns into a joke. He's a greaser; a wannabe tough guy who we find out later is a great big pussy.
In short, "Praise The Beef" (that's what his name means in french and hebrew, respectively, for real) was just playing himself.
Goodness gracious! Never seen that tough guy-with-a-vagina characterization before! Way to go, Spielberg! Not only do you make it evidently clear that you wanna suck this kid's dick several times throughout the movie, but then you gotta hint at him donning the fedora for the next installment. I'd definitely pay to see that (No I wouldn't).
Second, I've tragically seen this piece of garbage twice and the plot still makes absolutely no sense. Once, the midnight showing and the next day I had to take my mom to see it for her b-day. Without doubt, the obligatory second viewing was definintely the most painful "...take one for the team" moment in my entire life.
And the aliens, man…the fuckin' aliens. This is NOT an episode of the X-Files…it's INDIANA FUCKIN' JONES. Artifacts. God. Shomer Fuckin' Shabbos, man. So with that being said, he shouldn't have to face off against martians. The omnipotence of God is an intimidating factor…crystal alien skeletons…not so much. God's a fearful creature. A martian just kidnaps you, places you in his saucer, sticks something in your ass and drops you off on the side of the road. Think of it as a vacation.
Howard Hawks spelt out the formula for a great movie: "Three great scenes, no bad scenes." Yeah. Well this film has a lot of bad scenes. As a matter of fact, I'd say nearly all of the film is a collection of bad sequences, poorly put together, akin to the perfunctory activity of dropping a turd off in the toilet.
This movie makes TEMPLE OF DOOM look like RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK...if that makes any sense whatsoever.
There are two scenes that are so unfathomably bad in this film, both conveniently back-to-back that I will not reveal them here. You have to see them for yourself. Your jaw will drop. The first scene is directly out of a really, really bad version of TRANSFORMERS…you know how that film bogged itself down with lame, uninspired sitcom humor…this film does the same thing at certain moments and it isn't funny. At all. It interrupts the narrative of the film to *gasp* appeal to the nostalgia factor by referencing Jones' phobia of snakes and to make fans of Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia giggle out loud.
This is Spielberg-doing-Michael Bay-doing Spielberg. This is like, if Stanley Kubrick was still alive and emulated the auteurism of Paul W.S. Anderson. What. The. Fuck.
And the scene that follows features hands-down the worst CGI I've seen in my entire life. And it isn't laughable. This is like Greedo-shooting-first cringeworthy bad. And while I'm on it, the CGI in this film is horrible and there is far too much. There is no weight whatsoever when the action sequences play out…it feels like a 16-bit video game…one I wouldn't dare play. At least in TRANSFORMERS the effects held weight, they adhered to the laws of physics so the action did not resemble a cartoon. I'd honestly say that I enjoyed TRANSFORMERS a thousand times more than this one and that it is in every way a superior film to Indiana Jones 4.
Ah…I've wasted too many words and too much time on this review. I know it isn't as well-written or funny as my other reviews, but that's because this film completely shattered my funny bone. When people such as Spielberg and Lucas do things like this (i.e.: Make god-awful movies that "cater" to our childhood memories) just to make money…it's unforgivable. I've now lost any and all respect I once had for George Lucas. People give him a lot of shit for the Star Wars prequels, but at least he was telling a pertinent, analogical story, and for the most part he told it well. There was at least some gravitas evident in the prequel saga and there was a purpose for the story to be told. Kingdom of the blah, blah, blah was all about the Benjamin's. So…with that said, I've also lost a lot of respect for my 3rd or 4th favorite director of all time,Steven Spielberg.
So go ahead and make your movie about Lincoln, asshole. You've made your career-worst film, so there is nowhere up from here. Nonetheless, I won't be there opening day. In no way is the world a better place because of this movie. I'd go so far as to say that the world is now a darker place 'cause it exists.
The saddest part about this whole thing is that people clapped and applauded when it ended. Both times I saw it. And yet, they shun, boo and ridicule the excellent CLOVERFIELD like it was a goddamn plague. It's unfathomable. Like PIRATES 3...I cannot understand how anybody could be entertained by this film. In any way. Neither of the movies in question are funny, they aren't "entertaining" unless you ride on the short bus and they're poorly made in every way possible.
Great cinematic entertainment is officially dead, folks...and civilization is on the brink of collapse. A society is only good as it's art, and right now American art is registering at the scale of zero. Enjoy movies with limp-dicked sitcom humor and poorly structured CGI explosions while you can. Something tells me that the species won't be around much longer.
--Don't die in a fire--
RFB
P.S.: I read somewhere that Harrison Ford doesn't read movie reviews so I guess he'll miss this one. Well, anyhoo...if anybody out there who reads this knows the man personally, you tell him that BP said that your career is now officially dead after starring this vehicle of shit. Your star is dead, Mr. Ford. And your earring sucks. And you were my childhood hero. Not anymore.
Pass it on.
When I was a little boy, I remember watching DR. JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM. It scared the shit out of me when that one dude ripped the heart out of that one dude. I ran to my room and presumably shat my pants and buried my head in the pillows. I don't know. Such a long time ago; I cannot remember.
By the way, this has absolutely nothing to do with the review. I just wanted to share that.
Anyhoo, in order to analyze the fourth installment of DR. HENRY JONES, I must share my opinions on the other films…and I shall do so by using a story of metaphor. The story is about a timeless romance that goes horribly, horribly wrong. Here is how it goes:
MARIACHI=SPIELBERG
MARIA=US (AUDIENCE)
RELATIONSHIP=DR. JONES FILMS…got it?
Once upon a time…there was a mariachi who fell in love with an affluent girl named Maria. He took her out on a couple of dates and she felt that it wouldn't work. But he wooed her by playing an indelible theme on his guitar. So they fell in love, it was great. He hit all the right notes; played the puzzle right. They fell head-over-heels in love with each other and married. I would call this the RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK period of love. Eventually, the two prospered together and he became the owner of a cruise ship service and he had one favorite ship that, on their honeymoon, he took Maria out and all was good, romantic and flawless (take note of this subplot; it'll be important later on).
The TEMPLE OF DOOM period was a bit more complicated, though. The two were going through strife in their marriage. Maria was now finding faults in the relationship and with Mariachi himself. However, regardless of how bad these failings were, she was able to overlook them and continue with the relationship. And the acknowledgment of human frailty gave the relationship a sense of gravitas and complexity, hence strengthening the two and giving their romance a depth it did not have prior.
Then, years later, we have THE LAST CRUSADE where the problems are still there but they've been to therapy, blah, blah, blah and they still enjoy each other's company. The relationship hits a high point when they realize that ALL GOOD THINGS MUST END so they part ways and divorce. They end on a high note, they kiss and hug and all that gay shit. They close out on good terms and Mariachi goes down another road to achieve good fortune.
Well…Mariachi had to be an asshole and reopen this can of worms so he goes back and searches for Maria. And when he finds her, they rekindle their relationship. So, for nostalgic reasons, he takes her out on the same cruise ship as before to celebrate their now defunct anniversary.
And during that time, Mariachi acts a motherfuckin' fool.
He locks Maria into their private suite, bangs every female passenger aboard the ship, drinks all of the alcohol at the bar, he shits in every toilet on-hand and fires off all of the flares…just because he can. Maria is understandably upset at all of this. But he still plays that same song on that old guitar with the intent of atoning for his sins by catering to the nostalgia factor. But it isn't appeasing Maria 'cause all he is doing is making a mockery of everything their relationship once stood for.
The story ends with Mariachi tying Maria to the stern of the boat and as he sails away on his escape dingy as his greatest investment begins to sink, he looks back, waves BON VOYAGE!, gives Maria the middle finger and screams, "FUCK YOU, BITCH! I JUST USED YOU FOR THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That is DR. JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
DR. JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH is a cruel, sadistic joke created by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas where they grab the audience by the throat, fuck them in the ass and polish them off with a dirty sanchez. And as their flaring by-product sinks into the sea, they pull down their pants and ask us to kiss it.
This is a travesty. I've never been this disappointed with a sequel in my entire life—and I'm not even an avid fan of this series.
Mark your calendars, folks. May 22, 2008 is a day that will live on in infamy. It was the day Cinema truly lost its innocence. The fact that Dr. Jones has another installment and it's this unfathomably awful…it confirms the old American mantra: If it ain't broke, BREAK IT.
THE LAST CRUSADE is a great movie. I absolutely adore it. And I felt that it was a PERFECT way to end the INDIANA JONES series. But no. Spielberg and co. have to go back and completely ruin any and all integrity this series once possessed, all for the sake of the good ol' American dollar. The words INDIANA JONES will no longer be associated with SUPREME ADVENTURE or GODDAMNED GREATEST ACTION SERIES OF ALL TIME. Oh, no. Now any phrase containing the words INDIANA or JONES will now be associated with guilt, shame and disgust.
Supporting characters? Practically non-existant. Flat-out awful. They're introduced as expositional one-dimensional devices used to advance the plodding storyline along. Ray Winstone (Mr. French from THE DEPARTED and the voice of Beowulf in BADWOLF) is an absolutely useless, obnoxious throw-away, indecisive, bi-polar player. Jim Broadbent does absolutely nothing in this film. He must've needed the money really bad. John Hurt acts his character out as stringy autistic-esque comic relief. Needless to say, he overstays his welcome within his introductory scene in the movie. Karen Allen returns merely for the nostalgic value. Marion Ravenwood was amongst the coolest tough women in the history of cinema and in the fourth installment, all she does is drive an armored death vehicle through the Amazon and yell at Shia LeBeouf 'cause he's doesn't know how to comb his hair. Allen would've been better as an obscure cameo; just show up and wink at the camera. That's the whole purpose of her reappearance in the series and it's way too drawn out.
And most importantly, Shia LeBOOF'S character is embarrassingly bad. His introduction sequence is meant to be COOL and ICONIC. Instead, it turns into a joke. He's a greaser; a wannabe tough guy who we find out later is a great big pussy.
In short, "Praise The Beef" (that's what his name means in french and hebrew, respectively, for real) was just playing himself.
Goodness gracious! Never seen that tough guy-with-a-vagina characterization before! Way to go, Spielberg! Not only do you make it evidently clear that you wanna suck this kid's dick several times throughout the movie, but then you gotta hint at him donning the fedora for the next installment. I'd definitely pay to see that (No I wouldn't).
Second, I've tragically seen this piece of garbage twice and the plot still makes absolutely no sense. Once, the midnight showing and the next day I had to take my mom to see it for her b-day. Without doubt, the obligatory second viewing was definintely the most painful "...take one for the team" moment in my entire life.
And the aliens, man…the fuckin' aliens. This is NOT an episode of the X-Files…it's INDIANA FUCKIN' JONES. Artifacts. God. Shomer Fuckin' Shabbos, man. So with that being said, he shouldn't have to face off against martians. The omnipotence of God is an intimidating factor…crystal alien skeletons…not so much. God's a fearful creature. A martian just kidnaps you, places you in his saucer, sticks something in your ass and drops you off on the side of the road. Think of it as a vacation.
Howard Hawks spelt out the formula for a great movie: "Three great scenes, no bad scenes." Yeah. Well this film has a lot of bad scenes. As a matter of fact, I'd say nearly all of the film is a collection of bad sequences, poorly put together, akin to the perfunctory activity of dropping a turd off in the toilet.
This movie makes TEMPLE OF DOOM look like RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK...if that makes any sense whatsoever.
There are two scenes that are so unfathomably bad in this film, both conveniently back-to-back that I will not reveal them here. You have to see them for yourself. Your jaw will drop. The first scene is directly out of a really, really bad version of TRANSFORMERS…you know how that film bogged itself down with lame, uninspired sitcom humor…this film does the same thing at certain moments and it isn't funny. At all. It interrupts the narrative of the film to *gasp* appeal to the nostalgia factor by referencing Jones' phobia of snakes and to make fans of Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia giggle out loud.
This is Spielberg-doing-Michael Bay-doing Spielberg. This is like, if Stanley Kubrick was still alive and emulated the auteurism of Paul W.S. Anderson. What. The. Fuck.
And the scene that follows features hands-down the worst CGI I've seen in my entire life. And it isn't laughable. This is like Greedo-shooting-first cringeworthy bad. And while I'm on it, the CGI in this film is horrible and there is far too much. There is no weight whatsoever when the action sequences play out…it feels like a 16-bit video game…one I wouldn't dare play. At least in TRANSFORMERS the effects held weight, they adhered to the laws of physics so the action did not resemble a cartoon. I'd honestly say that I enjoyed TRANSFORMERS a thousand times more than this one and that it is in every way a superior film to Indiana Jones 4.
Ah…I've wasted too many words and too much time on this review. I know it isn't as well-written or funny as my other reviews, but that's because this film completely shattered my funny bone. When people such as Spielberg and Lucas do things like this (i.e.: Make god-awful movies that "cater" to our childhood memories) just to make money…it's unforgivable. I've now lost any and all respect I once had for George Lucas. People give him a lot of shit for the Star Wars prequels, but at least he was telling a pertinent, analogical story, and for the most part he told it well. There was at least some gravitas evident in the prequel saga and there was a purpose for the story to be told. Kingdom of the blah, blah, blah was all about the Benjamin's. So…with that said, I've also lost a lot of respect for my 3rd or 4th favorite director of all time,Steven Spielberg.
So go ahead and make your movie about Lincoln, asshole. You've made your career-worst film, so there is nowhere up from here. Nonetheless, I won't be there opening day. In no way is the world a better place because of this movie. I'd go so far as to say that the world is now a darker place 'cause it exists.
The saddest part about this whole thing is that people clapped and applauded when it ended. Both times I saw it. And yet, they shun, boo and ridicule the excellent CLOVERFIELD like it was a goddamn plague. It's unfathomable. Like PIRATES 3...I cannot understand how anybody could be entertained by this film. In any way. Neither of the movies in question are funny, they aren't "entertaining" unless you ride on the short bus and they're poorly made in every way possible.
Great cinematic entertainment is officially dead, folks...and civilization is on the brink of collapse. A society is only good as it's art, and right now American art is registering at the scale of zero. Enjoy movies with limp-dicked sitcom humor and poorly structured CGI explosions while you can. Something tells me that the species won't be around much longer.
--Don't die in a fire--
RFB
P.S.: I read somewhere that Harrison Ford doesn't read movie reviews so I guess he'll miss this one. Well, anyhoo...if anybody out there who reads this knows the man personally, you tell him that BP said that your career is now officially dead after starring this vehicle of shit. Your star is dead, Mr. Ford. And your earring sucks. And you were my childhood hero. Not anymore.
Pass it on.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
RFB Blockbuster '08 series: IRON MAN
(Author's note: I'm attempting to broaden the demographic of my audience, so I'm gonna speak in internet jargon and e-acronyms and circumvent my use of big words as most of you don't understand what the hell I'm saying. I am also going to shorten the review from it's initial length and be terse—That ADHD thing alienates my target audience. -RFB)
IRON MAN is fly, it's dope, it's off the chain or hook or handle or however you young people talk nowadays. I don't know. It's a badass movie where you will go, "OMFG" and you'll probably "LOL" a few times during the film. I wouldn't recommend "ROFL" because the theaters aren't cleaned as well as they should be...plus you'd disturb the other attendees in the auditorium and that's kind of a dick move. You may pound fists with whoever accompanies you during certain moments…In short: It's awesome.
Robert Downey Jr. plays a wealthy, wise-cracking dick that builds a suit of golden, reddish armor and decides to quit being such a wise-cracking dick (he keeps the wealth, though) so he can cruise around creating sonic booms in mid-air and fire rockets at Middle-Easterns while clad in his brand-spanking new outfit. Then The Dude shaves his head and gets a hold of an armored suit himself…which happens to be bigger and more menacing. Less colorful, though. This rivalry of who has the better Robocop Halloween costume culminates in a great big, shiny, metallic dick showing contest where there are explosions, ass-kicking and flying debris all around. And it's awesome. Hell yeah.
With Wall-E, Indiana Jones, The Dark Knight and Sex and the City being released in the upcoming months, the blockbusters this season are gonna be as tight as your mama's pussy in the seventh grade. LOL!
Just awesome.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
P.S.: If you're a fan of the MARVEL universe, stick around for the end credits. Even if you're not a fan, do so anyway. Not to give too much away but it features one of the greatest cameos in movie history and will give you a Red Bull-level jolt when it reveals that there are bigger things to come for us united comic book fans.
IRON MAN is fly, it's dope, it's off the chain or hook or handle or however you young people talk nowadays. I don't know. It's a badass movie where you will go, "OMFG" and you'll probably "LOL" a few times during the film. I wouldn't recommend "ROFL" because the theaters aren't cleaned as well as they should be...plus you'd disturb the other attendees in the auditorium and that's kind of a dick move. You may pound fists with whoever accompanies you during certain moments…In short: It's awesome.
Robert Downey Jr. plays a wealthy, wise-cracking dick that builds a suit of golden, reddish armor and decides to quit being such a wise-cracking dick (he keeps the wealth, though) so he can cruise around creating sonic booms in mid-air and fire rockets at Middle-Easterns while clad in his brand-spanking new outfit. Then The Dude shaves his head and gets a hold of an armored suit himself…which happens to be bigger and more menacing. Less colorful, though. This rivalry of who has the better Robocop Halloween costume culminates in a great big, shiny, metallic dick showing contest where there are explosions, ass-kicking and flying debris all around. And it's awesome. Hell yeah.
With Wall-E, Indiana Jones, The Dark Knight and Sex and the City being released in the upcoming months, the blockbusters this season are gonna be as tight as your mama's pussy in the seventh grade. LOL!
Just awesome.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
P.S.: If you're a fan of the MARVEL universe, stick around for the end credits. Even if you're not a fan, do so anyway. Not to give too much away but it features one of the greatest cameos in movie history and will give you a Red Bull-level jolt when it reveals that there are bigger things to come for us united comic book fans.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
RFB at the movies (sorta, kinda): CLOVERFIELD
Do you folks remember a feller by the name of Steven Spielberg? I know I do.
Spielberg has been honored with two Academy awards and when the American Film Institute released a list of the 100 greatest American films ever made, five of his movies headlined the catalog of movies...more than anybody else, even the brilliant man-God that is Alfred Hitchcock. He's one of the wealthiest men on the planet and--rightly so. He's worked hard for it.
To me, the words BLOCKBUSTER, OSCAR and BLUES-BROTHERS-CAMEO are not the words to which he is synonymous. No, the word I'm thinking is VISION. Spielberg is a man of vision. He has given us images that will never leave our consciousness. They've seared their way into the manuscripts of time as if they were delivered from the hand of God Himself. The mothership hovering over Devil's Tower in CLOSE ENCOUNTERS. An adolescent recreational bicyclist and his alien pet soaring through the night sky in E.T. A Tyrannosaurus Rex snacking on a smarmy lawyer in JURASSIC PARK.
That's CLOVERFIELD. It is not a Spielberg film, but feels like one in tone and imagery. CLOVERFIELD is a moving ensemble piece of moving images that infiltrates our conscious core which, no matter how hard we try, we can never shake.
However...as it has been proven that the whole of civilization is about to collapse and/or is in decline, many will not like this movie. Not enough explosions! The monster looks stupid! Where's Johnny Depp in this movie? I have an incoming txt message! I wanna buy a Hollister shirt! LOL!!!111
Jesus H. Fuckin' Christ. Seeing this movie at my local theater...now, bare in mind, I'd never wish bodily harm on anybody. I mean, that's just wrong. But when I left the auditorium to take a piss halfway through, I was praying to the good Lord to concoct a devine miracle: A great big fuckin' fire at theater 9 or 10 or whatever the fuck one I was sitting in. And while he was at it, he could've jammed the doors shut, trapping the motherfuckers inside so they'd meet a grotesque, scorching, well-earned demise.
Didn't happen, though. I suppose God was maxed out on community service hours for the week, I guess. Beats me.
I was supposed to see the midnight show (1-17-08!) with some buddies from work (WILL POWER, REP-RO-SENT*!) but of all nights...the one night I had something planned, there had to be a winter storm. So I missed out. So...by my lonesome, I went the next day once I finished my shift and the theater was packed out the ass...with a bunch of high school children who were there because it was not yet "bed time" and their parent's neglected to have an abortion by the 20th week from inception.
They laughed sporadically throughout the duration of the film for no apparent reason and their "commentary" tracks were as welcome as a benign tumor on my scrotum. And when the movie concluded, I was made privy to their one-word consensus of the film: GAY. That's it. Not exactly a credible or resourceful argument, but hey...they don't know no better. They also said, "That's just like the Blair Witch.!" Really? I thought it was alot like Godzilla, but filmed like the Blair Witch. CLOVERFIELD has a lot more to offer than random shots of trees, rocks and the F-word.
Anyhoo, the film itself is pretty good. I usually give a concise synopsis with every review I write, but bare in mind, my words may not do it justice. The premise of the film is quite convoluted:
GIANT MONSTER GOES BAT SHIT BANANAS IN MANHATTAN. AFFLUENT YUPPIES RUN IN FEAR WITH ROLLING VIDEO CAMERA IN TOW. BLAIR WITCH COMPARISONS WILL BE MADE.
And that was how it was marketed from the get-go. You get what you pay for. You can't buy a bag of Lay's Salt and Vinegar potato chips and then complain that they were too high in sodium content. It was executed well and a fun amusement park-like ride, in contrast to the final PIRATES flick (which a similar audience applauded like it was fuckin' CITIZEN KANE). It had something important to say, it said it brazenly and did so without being manipulative or cheap. It's filming technique was somewhat of a nuisance but it was necessary and made sense as this was the unprecendented narrative approach to a sub-genre motion picture such as this.
Look. I ain't gonna lie. I was expecting the film to be AWFUL. It was released in January (nothing good comes out in January except RAMBO) and it was handled by JJ Abrams, the man who wrote the cinematic gem that was ARMAGEDDON and now aims to rape my childhood and my asshole by remaking Star Trek as BEVERLY MARS, NCC-1701. So I was skeptical at first.
I was surprised at how much instant iconography there was in this film. Lady Liberty's head, used as a bowling ball. The cameo of the Starship Trooper bugs in an abandoned subway tunnel. The monster's "Mr. Demille" moment at the end. An exploding Marlena, motherfucker. Oops. Spoilers.
And as for the lack of exposition...it is an immediate story, one that is an allegory of our initial reaction to a certain day in September, 2001 when two buildings recreated a botched, epic-sized round of Jenga from my youth and alot of people bought American flags in their grief. Did we know Al-Queda was behind the attack at first? Did we know why it happened?
Fuck no we didn't know. And that's the point of the story (they even allude to it in a line at the end...don't wanna spoil it): How we react to impromptu grand scale destruction as a species. What difference does it make what the monster's motives are? I firmly believe that he came to Manhattan to join the anti-National ID card crusaders but he accidentally ended up in Harlem, so caps were busted in his ass. That's when he goes bat shit bananas...That's my theory. Shit blows up, buildings collapse, people expand and explode right before our eyes, etc. So how do we react to that? Do we loot electronics stores? Do we seek out the people we love to ensure their safety? Do we run and hide under a bridge in Central Park once the military has issued the absolute destruction of Manhattan? Would we profess our love to that other person and be rudely interrupted by the bombing runs? Would it kill the remaining cast who had survived up to this point?
Oops. Spoilers.
The film lags a bit here and there. Shaky-cam sucks. The characters are yuppies, yet the film offers it's only unrealistic aspect as they seem like cool cats you'd like to kick it with. Could've used the monster (CLOVIE, I call him) a bit more. He looks kind of silly, but he's from the ocean so let's not hold a grudge. At least he isn't a crustacean and I'm thankful for that. As a loyal patron of Red Lobster the last thing I need to develop is a lobster complex. I don't know. It's a memorable film...I guess. I recommend it.
--Don't die in a fire (unless you dislike CLOVERFIELD)--
RFB
*intentional spelling error, btw. LOL!!!!!1111
Thursday, April 10, 2008
RFB's Home Library: The ALIEN Legacy
Hey, fuckers! It's RFB, shooting in to review a few of the ALIEN movies just in time for the release of AVP-R, coming April 15th from 20th Century Fox home entertainment. Joy. So, I'll be quick and to the point. I won't go to in-depth with the reviews of the movies 'cause many of you complain that my vocabulary is too advanced and entirely too long. I apologize. Anyway, I kinda need to keep it short 'cause I got that job thing to do and I need to shower before I do that. So...yeah. Time to get rolling.
ALIEN
"IN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM"
In my humble opinion, this is the greatest tagline for a movie, ever. It's succinctly chilling and underlines the consistent predator vs. prey tone of the movie. It's a brilliant psychological horror movie because it uses it's monster conservatively, revealing pieces of it in silhouettes. And as such, the three-dimensional passengers of a commercial towing starship confront an imminent doom that is beyond all levels of human comprehension. And it builds to a heart-stopping finale when lone survivor Ellen Ripley is forced to go mano a mano against the savage extraterrestrial cockroach.
Absolutely brilliant film that takes its time to develop it's characters, something not inherent in many horror films. It's frightening; the art design is among the very best in motion picture history. The author feels (i.e.: ME) that this is the greatest American horror film of all time. Anybody that questions the author (ME) will receive a swift kick in the balls. Sorry 'bout ya.
ALIENS
I enjoy the concept of this film. Take the title of the first ALIEN and simply pluralize it. Quite intelligent. I never did quite get the whole "tacking" on the number 2 to a movie sequel. I can understand it, however, as most movie sequels result in a number 2, if you know what I'm saying.
Anyhoo, I have a love-hate relationship with James Cameron. He has innovated amazing, groundbreaking visual effects, directed the highest grossing film of all time, gave Arnold Schwarzenegger the role he was born to play and directed arguably the greatest action movie of all time: TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT AT NUREMBERG.
However, James Cameron homogenized the current day action/adventure movie and it sorta pisses me off. From the original ALIEN, he circumvented the brilliant horror elements altogether and brought to life a pseudo-intelligent action film containing pulse rifles and--gasp--multiple extraterrestrial cockroaches to use the rifle ons.
Now, there was a phrase I used in the RAMBO review that was kinda popular. My fans (all two of them) bring it up all the time when I see them. It is now unofficially retired, kinda like Michael Jordan in the mid-90's. Not really retired, per se...it gave up the basketball gig to play baseball, metaphorically speaking I guess. Perhaps its sitting in the corner of it's affluent mansion, bawling its eyes out over it's recently deceased father when nobody is looking. I don't know.
The phrase has been applied to different things over the course of my writings. Exploding_________motherfucker(s). Asians. Bunnies. Well, it is coming back to play on the Chicago Bulls court. That's right. I'm bringing it back one last time. These creatures are intensely aggressive, they move like cheetahs, presumably possess the intelligence of a chimpanzee and you can't kill them so easily 'cause they bleed molecular acid.
So what does Cameron do? Dumb it down by presenting inescapable hapless situations that would otherwise spell an inevitable demise for the players involved--escapist fun movie fare that has been imitated, spoofed and admired since the day it was released on the big screen.
ALIENS is merely an extended sequence of exploding extraterrestrial cockroach motherfuckers.
When the soldiers shoot the fuckers at point-blank range, the blood rarely splashes on them unless it is convenient for the pace of the movie. Bishop shows up with the dropship just in the nick of time to rescue Ripley and that annoying little girl with the annoying accent who likes to repeatedly shout the supporting characters last names for no reason whatsoever. The reactor blows up just as the dropship gets the heck out of dodge. And the Alien Queen is sucked out of the airlock just as Ripley seals the door.
It's a film that grounds itself on simple conveniences and coincidences to the point that it grows insulting. And sadly, Stephen Sommers, Brett Ratner, Paul W.S. Anderson, Uwe Boll, Michael Bay...I guarantee you that this is their favorite movie of all time. They saw this one when they were little bastard spawns and decided that they were gonna make movies like this, but not execute them as well. It's as if these guys live by the mantra: Character development not necessary.
Don't get me wrong. The first two Alien movies are probably in my list of twenty favorite films of all time. It's ambitious, contains some of the best action sequences in movie history, two great lines ("Get away from her, you bitch!" and "Game over, man! Game over!") and hey--at least we have Badass, "exploding extraterrestrial cockroach motherfucker" Ripley to carry it. Vastly overrated, though.
ALIEN 3
Never seen it. And from what I hear I don't need to.
ALIEN: RESURRECTION
I've only seen parts of this movie on the Home B.O. channel. My consensus: Gay.
AVP: ALIEN VS. PREDATOR
What do you get when you combine two of the most popular film franchises in history, remove the characters that drove each series, replace them with caricatures, hand it over to a video game movie director and water it down to achieve a family-friendly rating?
A train wreck. Horrible, horrible, horrible. But compared to...
AVP-R: ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM
It's a goddamned masterpiece. Of course it's R, but this film is fuckin' terrible. Oh, shit! Look at the time. I'm not even gonna get into this one. Don't rent it, don't buy it! Steal it from Best Buy, download it illegally, donkey-punch anybody who purchases it, etc. I'd recommend the latter. The fact that this film exists and was produced and directed with such pedestrian resolve is a spit in the face of these two great film series. So spit in the face of 20th Century Fox, the studio that raped this series, sabotaged the X-MEN movies anyway they could, dropped the funding for a motion picture based on the video game HALO because it "cost" too much to make and then proceded to produce the Fantastical Four movies.
Wow. There really isn't a God.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
ALIEN
"IN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM"
In my humble opinion, this is the greatest tagline for a movie, ever. It's succinctly chilling and underlines the consistent predator vs. prey tone of the movie. It's a brilliant psychological horror movie because it uses it's monster conservatively, revealing pieces of it in silhouettes. And as such, the three-dimensional passengers of a commercial towing starship confront an imminent doom that is beyond all levels of human comprehension. And it builds to a heart-stopping finale when lone survivor Ellen Ripley is forced to go mano a mano against the savage extraterrestrial cockroach.
Absolutely brilliant film that takes its time to develop it's characters, something not inherent in many horror films. It's frightening; the art design is among the very best in motion picture history. The author feels (i.e.: ME) that this is the greatest American horror film of all time. Anybody that questions the author (ME) will receive a swift kick in the balls. Sorry 'bout ya.
ALIENS
I enjoy the concept of this film. Take the title of the first ALIEN and simply pluralize it. Quite intelligent. I never did quite get the whole "tacking" on the number 2 to a movie sequel. I can understand it, however, as most movie sequels result in a number 2, if you know what I'm saying.
Anyhoo, I have a love-hate relationship with James Cameron. He has innovated amazing, groundbreaking visual effects, directed the highest grossing film of all time, gave Arnold Schwarzenegger the role he was born to play and directed arguably the greatest action movie of all time: TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT AT NUREMBERG.
However, James Cameron homogenized the current day action/adventure movie and it sorta pisses me off. From the original ALIEN, he circumvented the brilliant horror elements altogether and brought to life a pseudo-intelligent action film containing pulse rifles and--gasp--multiple extraterrestrial cockroaches to use the rifle ons.
Now, there was a phrase I used in the RAMBO review that was kinda popular. My fans (all two of them) bring it up all the time when I see them. It is now unofficially retired, kinda like Michael Jordan in the mid-90's. Not really retired, per se...it gave up the basketball gig to play baseball, metaphorically speaking I guess. Perhaps its sitting in the corner of it's affluent mansion, bawling its eyes out over it's recently deceased father when nobody is looking. I don't know.
The phrase has been applied to different things over the course of my writings. Exploding_________motherfucker(s). Asians. Bunnies. Well, it is coming back to play on the Chicago Bulls court. That's right. I'm bringing it back one last time. These creatures are intensely aggressive, they move like cheetahs, presumably possess the intelligence of a chimpanzee and you can't kill them so easily 'cause they bleed molecular acid.
So what does Cameron do? Dumb it down by presenting inescapable hapless situations that would otherwise spell an inevitable demise for the players involved--escapist fun movie fare that has been imitated, spoofed and admired since the day it was released on the big screen.
ALIENS is merely an extended sequence of exploding extraterrestrial cockroach motherfuckers.
When the soldiers shoot the fuckers at point-blank range, the blood rarely splashes on them unless it is convenient for the pace of the movie. Bishop shows up with the dropship just in the nick of time to rescue Ripley and that annoying little girl with the annoying accent who likes to repeatedly shout the supporting characters last names for no reason whatsoever. The reactor blows up just as the dropship gets the heck out of dodge. And the Alien Queen is sucked out of the airlock just as Ripley seals the door.
It's a film that grounds itself on simple conveniences and coincidences to the point that it grows insulting. And sadly, Stephen Sommers, Brett Ratner, Paul W.S. Anderson, Uwe Boll, Michael Bay...I guarantee you that this is their favorite movie of all time. They saw this one when they were little bastard spawns and decided that they were gonna make movies like this, but not execute them as well. It's as if these guys live by the mantra: Character development not necessary.
Don't get me wrong. The first two Alien movies are probably in my list of twenty favorite films of all time. It's ambitious, contains some of the best action sequences in movie history, two great lines ("Get away from her, you bitch!" and "Game over, man! Game over!") and hey--at least we have Badass, "exploding extraterrestrial cockroach motherfucker" Ripley to carry it. Vastly overrated, though.
ALIEN 3
Never seen it. And from what I hear I don't need to.
ALIEN: RESURRECTION
I've only seen parts of this movie on the Home B.O. channel. My consensus: Gay.
AVP: ALIEN VS. PREDATOR
What do you get when you combine two of the most popular film franchises in history, remove the characters that drove each series, replace them with caricatures, hand it over to a video game movie director and water it down to achieve a family-friendly rating?
A train wreck. Horrible, horrible, horrible. But compared to...
AVP-R: ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM
It's a goddamned masterpiece. Of course it's R, but this film is fuckin' terrible. Oh, shit! Look at the time. I'm not even gonna get into this one. Don't rent it, don't buy it! Steal it from Best Buy, download it illegally, donkey-punch anybody who purchases it, etc. I'd recommend the latter. The fact that this film exists and was produced and directed with such pedestrian resolve is a spit in the face of these two great film series. So spit in the face of 20th Century Fox, the studio that raped this series, sabotaged the X-MEN movies anyway they could, dropped the funding for a motion picture based on the video game HALO because it "cost" too much to make and then proceded to produce the Fantastical Four movies.
Wow. There really isn't a God.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
RFB at the movies: DOOMSDAY
Neil Marshall, director of DOOMSDAY is the only auteur of the "splat pack" that I respect. If he uses CGI, it’s purposely visible, product placement is at a minimum and he doesn’t indulge in violence or use it to "scare" us like Eli Roth or the morons who helm the SAW films, he uses violence to it’s full effect by merely displaying it in an over-the-top yet brutal fashion.
When I saw the trailer for DOOMSDAY, I immediately wrote it off as another ULTRAVIOLET or RESIDENT EVIL clone due to the tired, uninspired, perfunctory approach to ass-kicking females in a post-apocalyptic cinema setting. Nevertheless, once the reviews began to pour in, many of them mentioned the similarities to 80’s classics such as ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK and THE ROAD WARRIOR...two of my favorite action movies ever made. Immediately after hearing this, my interest or lack thereof in DOOMSDAY had shifted from apathy to urgency. Well, not really urgency but I wanted to see it. And I did.
The problem with movies like UNDERWORLD, ULTRAVIOLET and RESIDENT EVIL is that they take themselves far too serious. "Holy shit! The Umbrella corporation is manufacturing a killer zombie virus? Let’s grab some shotguns and do some bullet-time kung-fu on those conglomerate motherfuckers!" Or UNDERWORLD. "No! The Lycans are mounting a full scale attack! And the vampires are a bunch of flamboyant, role-playing game pussies interested only in chandeliers and shit! We have to grab some shotguns and do some bullet-time kung-fu on those oversized, infectious canine motherfuckers!" I’d mock ULTRAVIOLET but I’ve never seen that movie. So I apologize; don’t get mad at me or anything. What can I say, I’m a bit of a slacker.
With DOOMSDAY, baby...it don’t give a fuck. "A virus is wiping out London and it’s going up in flames?" Fuck it. "The great Bob Hoskins in a big budget B-movie?" Fuck it. "Rhona Mitra has killer tits but she isn’t showing them?" Actually that is one of my major complaints of the film. But that’s just me.
This is a nihilistic, grindhouse approach to all of those faggy video game movies. This is like an amalgamation of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, THE ROAD WARRIOR and THE WARRIORS. Nonetheless, DOOMSDAY isn’t an ass hair on any of these cult classics.
This is a film that is so derivative that it eventually bogs itself down and kinda shoots itself in the foot. You can’t help but compare DOOMSDAY to the aforementioned 80’s movies and they were all executed about a thousand times better. I was digging the film until the middle. Then it fell apart.
It starts out like the prologue from ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, with similar on-screen schematics and narration explaining the situation. A virus has wiped out Scotland and the government builds the great wall of Scotland to keep the virus--and--mongolians from reaching the British. The virus kills everybody off and Scotland becomes the modern day equivalent of Sodom and Gommorah with rapes and killing and cannabalism. You know, the type of shit you hear about every night on the six o’ clock news.
Cut to twenty years later. The virus shows up in London and it’s spreading at an astronomical rate. So they send in Super-soldier Rhona Mitra to find survivors in Scotland to discover a fabled cure. Turns out there are more survivors them they had anticipated. And inconveniently, they’re a group of uncivilized post-modern punks who like to burn people alive and then filet their charred flesh for consumption.
Six o’ clock news, dude.
It’s awesome to this point. The action sequences were nice and bloody, any CGI was unnoticable, Rhona Mitra was cooler than Milla Jovovich in her video game movies and the score was a seamlessly blended combination of THE WARRIORS soundtrack and Carpenter’s iconic ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK score.
Then it gets really stupid. And that’s kind of an oxymoron ’cause this movie never made much sense from the get-go. I’m not gonna get into it, but the film score becomes pedestrian and standard and the narrative switchs from EXCALIBUR to a Bentley commercial, right back to THE ROAD WARRIOR and then concludes like a poor man’s (get it?) EVIL DEAD II. This movie is like a Tarantino flick but without the cool or superb execution. Like I stated earlier, DOOMSDAY is like an emulation of many other movies and sadly, isn’t as good.
Nonetheless, it don’t give a fuck. It’s similar to the 80’s big budget grindhouse movies. It doesn’t take itself serious and that can go a long way for films like this. And regardless of it’s weak execution, its a rather fun movie and oddly enough, finds comedy in this bleak, utterly insane acid trip of a future. Like for instance, just in time for Easter, a rabbit is gunned down by a robotic sentry (exploding bunny motherfucker), the EXCALIBUR segment of the film is like something out of a really bad, unaware movie (It’s actually a mediocre, self-aware movie, so it was disconcerting) and the final car chase features the central villain of the movie hanging out of the driver’s side window biting and punching the passengers while Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s "Two Tribes" plays loudly in the background. All qualms aside, it receives the RFB SEAL OF APPROVAL. Thumbs up and everything. A non-enthusiastic thumbs up; one I’m only giving as a die-hard fan of 80’s post-apocalyptic action/horror. My consensus: Wait for video. Seeing this in the theater is a waste of ten bucks.
* * Two stars.
When I saw the trailer for DOOMSDAY, I immediately wrote it off as another ULTRAVIOLET or RESIDENT EVIL clone due to the tired, uninspired, perfunctory approach to ass-kicking females in a post-apocalyptic cinema setting. Nevertheless, once the reviews began to pour in, many of them mentioned the similarities to 80’s classics such as ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK and THE ROAD WARRIOR...two of my favorite action movies ever made. Immediately after hearing this, my interest or lack thereof in DOOMSDAY had shifted from apathy to urgency. Well, not really urgency but I wanted to see it. And I did.
The problem with movies like UNDERWORLD, ULTRAVIOLET and RESIDENT EVIL is that they take themselves far too serious. "Holy shit! The Umbrella corporation is manufacturing a killer zombie virus? Let’s grab some shotguns and do some bullet-time kung-fu on those conglomerate motherfuckers!" Or UNDERWORLD. "No! The Lycans are mounting a full scale attack! And the vampires are a bunch of flamboyant, role-playing game pussies interested only in chandeliers and shit! We have to grab some shotguns and do some bullet-time kung-fu on those oversized, infectious canine motherfuckers!" I’d mock ULTRAVIOLET but I’ve never seen that movie. So I apologize; don’t get mad at me or anything. What can I say, I’m a bit of a slacker.
With DOOMSDAY, baby...it don’t give a fuck. "A virus is wiping out London and it’s going up in flames?" Fuck it. "The great Bob Hoskins in a big budget B-movie?" Fuck it. "Rhona Mitra has killer tits but she isn’t showing them?" Actually that is one of my major complaints of the film. But that’s just me.
This is a nihilistic, grindhouse approach to all of those faggy video game movies. This is like an amalgamation of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, THE ROAD WARRIOR and THE WARRIORS. Nonetheless, DOOMSDAY isn’t an ass hair on any of these cult classics.
This is a film that is so derivative that it eventually bogs itself down and kinda shoots itself in the foot. You can’t help but compare DOOMSDAY to the aforementioned 80’s movies and they were all executed about a thousand times better. I was digging the film until the middle. Then it fell apart.
It starts out like the prologue from ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, with similar on-screen schematics and narration explaining the situation. A virus has wiped out Scotland and the government builds the great wall of Scotland to keep the virus--and--mongolians from reaching the British. The virus kills everybody off and Scotland becomes the modern day equivalent of Sodom and Gommorah with rapes and killing and cannabalism. You know, the type of shit you hear about every night on the six o’ clock news.
Cut to twenty years later. The virus shows up in London and it’s spreading at an astronomical rate. So they send in Super-soldier Rhona Mitra to find survivors in Scotland to discover a fabled cure. Turns out there are more survivors them they had anticipated. And inconveniently, they’re a group of uncivilized post-modern punks who like to burn people alive and then filet their charred flesh for consumption.
Six o’ clock news, dude.
It’s awesome to this point. The action sequences were nice and bloody, any CGI was unnoticable, Rhona Mitra was cooler than Milla Jovovich in her video game movies and the score was a seamlessly blended combination of THE WARRIORS soundtrack and Carpenter’s iconic ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK score.
Then it gets really stupid. And that’s kind of an oxymoron ’cause this movie never made much sense from the get-go. I’m not gonna get into it, but the film score becomes pedestrian and standard and the narrative switchs from EXCALIBUR to a Bentley commercial, right back to THE ROAD WARRIOR and then concludes like a poor man’s (get it?) EVIL DEAD II. This movie is like a Tarantino flick but without the cool or superb execution. Like I stated earlier, DOOMSDAY is like an emulation of many other movies and sadly, isn’t as good.
Nonetheless, it don’t give a fuck. It’s similar to the 80’s big budget grindhouse movies. It doesn’t take itself serious and that can go a long way for films like this. And regardless of it’s weak execution, its a rather fun movie and oddly enough, finds comedy in this bleak, utterly insane acid trip of a future. Like for instance, just in time for Easter, a rabbit is gunned down by a robotic sentry (exploding bunny motherfucker), the EXCALIBUR segment of the film is like something out of a really bad, unaware movie (It’s actually a mediocre, self-aware movie, so it was disconcerting) and the final car chase features the central villain of the movie hanging out of the driver’s side window biting and punching the passengers while Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s "Two Tribes" plays loudly in the background. All qualms aside, it receives the RFB SEAL OF APPROVAL. Thumbs up and everything. A non-enthusiastic thumbs up; one I’m only giving as a die-hard fan of 80’s post-apocalyptic action/horror. My consensus: Wait for video. Seeing this in the theater is a waste of ten bucks.
* * Two stars.
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