RFB vs. SEX IN THE CITY

SEX IN THE CITY: THE MOTION PICTURE (subtitled: EVERYBODY FUCKS EVERYBODY)

IRON MAN was fly. It was dope, it was off the chain, or hook or handle. However you young people talk. But the best part of it was the after-end-credits sequence with Samuel L. Jackson as the director of S.H.I.E.L.D., NICK FURY. How he popped up and mentioned something about an, "...Avenger initiative".


And this...kicks...all...sorts...of...unholy...ass. It's a big Marvel crossover. So soon enough Marvel's Golden Child SPIDER-MAN will be swinging around with his new PUNISHER buddy and they'll both be at each other's throats 'cause they disagree on how to handle injustice. Soon enough, THE THING will be trading blows with THE HULK 'cause of the racial differences (Orange-on-Green violence...it's a crime). Soon enough, Spidey will be invited to join the JUSTICE LEAGUE and will fight alongside Superman, Batman, The Green Lantern, Wonder Woman and so on and so forth. Eventually it'll just become a gigantic superhero orgy and if Spider-Man plays his cards right...maybe...just maybe...he'll be allowed to shoot his web onto Wonder Woman's face. I'm excited (Note: Not as excited as Spider-Man, that's for sure, but pretty damn excited).


And I was thinking, "Damn! Every new movie should end with Nick Fury reciting this shit". Imagine how awesome it would be if WALL-E ended like this?


1. INT. WALL-E'S CRIB-EARTH-700 YEARS IN THE FUTURE

WALL-E wheels inside of his crib with his new homegirl, EVE. WALL-E switches the light switch to no avail. Suddenly, a dark figure appears from the shadows.

DARK FIGURE
Mr. WALL-E. You've started something. Do you think you're the only solitary trash-compacting robot on the planet?

WALL-E speaks incoherently in his robotic garble.

DARK FIGURE
I'm NICK FURY, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I'm here to talk to you about the AVENGER'S initiative.

WALL-E
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal-E.

THE END


That shit's off da hook!


Or how about if they went back and replaced all of the endings of every movie ever made with Sam Jackson wearing an eye patch, mentioning something about an Avenger's initiative? It could work. Just look at SCHINDLER'S LIST, for instance. Just remove all of the shit at the end with the gravestone and Schindler's emo-crisis when he realizes he could've saved more of those meek motherfuckers. It's irrelevant to the story.


What is relevant, however, is CAPTAIN FUCKIN' AMERICA. He fought in WWII, clashed with The Red Skull and was frozen in the North Atlantic, to be defrosted decades later ala Austin Powers. It fits seamlessly into Schindler's List as far as I'm concerned. This shit is more important than the fable of the holocaust. That shit never happened; it's the grandest conspiracy/hoax in human history. However, there was a flag-wearing man who injected himself with mutant steroids and and threw a metallic frisbee at German people. AND he leads THE AVENGERS. This is authentic; it's been documented. Research it on the reliable Wikipedia. It's all there.


Then you have Nick Fury's fellow homeboys who could show up at random: SPIDER-MAN, THOR, IRON MAN, HULK, BLADE...fuckin' Blade, man. Blade should be cameoed in every movie set for release from now on. Motherfucker just shows up and starts saying shit like, "It's open season on all suckheads" or "Some motherfuckers always trying to skate uphill". And he follows these sentences by swiftly decapitating the most unlikable character on-screen. We could use stock footage and insert appropriate sound bytes from the BLADE series. Matt and Trey did this with one of the best episodes of SOUTH PARK, so they proved it could be done. Let's make an effort, shall we?


(Come to think of it, we really, really needed Blade during THE PHANTOM MENACE. This is called "plot development", people. Let's get with it.)


And frankly, I feel that he would've been most at home with SEX IN THE CITY: THE MOTION PICTURE (subtitled: EVERYBODY FUCKS EVERYBODY). This is a story about four, over-the-hill STD infested vampires who moonlight as four, over-the-hill, STD infested croc-shoe collectors. As they're all despicable, self-obsessed, borderline sociopathic materialists who have never felt a genuine, raw emotion throughout their pitiful run of life, I don't know. Decapitation sounds like a happy ending to me. Like when Bambi's mom got shot. That made my day when I was a child, I tell ya.


Well, that about ends the review. Yes sir, indeedy. I haven't seen the film, nor will I ever. I just wanted to share this epiphany with you. I don't know. I'm just opining my subversive views to aid and improve the declining state of modern cinema. That's all.



--Don't die in a fire.--

RFB