REVENGE OF THE LEDGOKER

THE LEDGOKER

Two months to go for that DARK KNIGHT movie. I know many of you are looking forward to it. "When's the Dark Knight coming out, RFB? When's the knight getting dark, RFB? Are you gonna wear your Doberman pincher mask to the midnight showing, RFB? Blah, blah, blah." Many of you have seen the new trailer. Many of you probably popped a boner sandwich or cheered when you saw that now-iconic shot of Batman gliding above Hong-Kong (yes, Hong-Kong, not Gotham City….you can see the sign of Japanese hieroglyphics or whatever-the-fuck you call them when he's hovering besides the one building in the trailer).


Anyhoo, in the interest of things, I have to bring this up 'cause it's kind of the elephant in the room so to speak. Good ol' Heath Ledger. He went from a token heartthrob in 10 Things I Hate About You to redefining "sheep-herding" in Brokeback Mountain.


In short, he's versatile. As in was.


In case you didn't hear, he died. He was an unconventional movie actor; a fervent method actor meaning he really did give Donnie Darko a cleft asshole in Brokeback. At least that's what my sources told me. Anyhoo, he is in this movie as The Ledgoker and he looks good. So more power to him. Even though he's dead. He developed insomnia while shooting this movie and he needed to sleep. So…that's what he's doing now. He got what he wanted so…I don't know. Great success, I guess. I'm happy for him.


Seriously, though. (wHy sO SEriOUs?) From what I've seen, I love his Joker. (Love that Joker!) And here is the thing many of you may not know: You're not supposed to like the motherfucker. (THIS TOWN NEEDS A…Alright. I'll stop now.) I absolutely love him, but I'm also a sadistic prick who thrives off of other people's misery. Oh, well. You know what they say. Nobody is perfect.


I wasn't completely sold with Ledger as The Ledgoker until this trailer. There is a line where he says something like: "This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I'm gonna give it to 'em. You'll see. I'll show you." Imagine Jack Nicholson with that line in the original BATMAN. Sarcasm comes to mind, right? Perhaps a sense of self-awareness?


The Ledgoker isn't like that. He delivers this line straightforward, as if he were dedicating some vocal love for his puppy or something. As if it's some predestined duty for him to thrust Gotham into a state of panic and disorder, and like all contingent workers, he's more than happy to oblige.


He's not cracking a joke: HE FUCKIN' MEANS IT. And when The Ledgoker does crack a joke, I guarantee you it will be after he does something seriously fucked up like…I don't know. Blowing up the whole GODDAMN GOTHAM GENERAL HOSPITAL KILLING EVERY MOTHERFUCKER INSIDE!!! Which, I assure you, he does. So he cracks a corny joke, blows up something large, runs down a street whilst peppered in clown make-up and sprays a stream of machine gun fire into random people, etc. This is all inference as I've yet to see the film. But that's what I want. That's what I'm paying for. I'm not asking for a lot here. Come on. I wanna have some pure 100% Americana fun here. (Stock entertainment value of watching sheeple suffer/die. Don't be a prude.)


And furthermore…dammit. You gotta admire that kind of commitment. "I'm gonna blow up the whole hospital 'cause I'm supposed to." Most people would cower away and make irrelevant excuses like, "That's wrong" or "…it's too messy". Come on, folks. Time to grow up. Let's make an attempt to be responsible and to do the right thing for America, the world, the children, etc. Our paradigm of work ethic has faded in this country and it's sad. Imagine how much better the nation would be if everybody was like The Ledgoker.


And to parallel that, Heath Ledger was so committed that he died for this role. You know how in Dead Man's Chest, Johnny Depp sacrificed his life so he could be eaten by a giant sea monster in the biggest instance of Deus Ex Machina in cinema history? Yeah. Well fuck that guy. Heath Ledger died so he could bring you the greatest, most balls-out goddamned Ledgoker the world has ever seen. This is brilliant marketing here. Why don't we replace Brandon Routh with Ashton Kutcher for the next Superman movie titled: Superman Returns Again--But-this-time-he-does-more-than-lifts-heavy-shit. And Ashton will get so into-character that eventually he'll realize that he can't act at all, so he'll off himself…achieving a self-fulfilling prophecy that could only be valued as an overdue public service.


This could start a new trend…I certainly hope it picks up. It's fuckin' awesome. I'm disappointed that Warner Bros. hasn't capitalized on this "tragedy" more. You know? People that weren't interested in this film are gonna go see it just 'cause they like Heath and are interested in the performance.


DEAD ACTOR + MORE PEOPLE AT THE OPENING SHOW RUINING MY DARK KNIGHT EXPERIENCE=MORE MONEY.


So, shame on you, Warner. You're slacking. You have a large fanbase here and the last thing you want to do is alienate them.


Anyhoo, The Dark Knight is a like an art house flick concealed through subterfuge. It has it all. Sociopolitical commentary. Psychological elements. Explosions. Killer clowns (but not from outer space). And Christian Bale in a Doberman pincher costume, reciting sociopolitical verbatim while kicking the shit out of psycho killer clowns not-from-outer-space.


In short, the essential makings of a great motion picture experience.


I have no doubt this film will push the envelope for the PG-13 rating ala War of the Worlds or Cloverfield. The Joker is very much an R-rated character in a PG-13 world. And I like that. TDK is gonna be a psychological, dangerous-thought film like A CLOCKWORK ORANGE or FIGHT CLUB. Take for instance: I recently came across a conceptual picture of Two-Face and the only thing I can say is: Ho. Lee. Shit. I can see exactly why they are keeping the character so heavily under wrap 'cause kids are gonna have nightmares over this grotesque motherfucker.


If you're not there on midnight July 17th, what're gonna tell your children? "I missed THE DARK KNIGHT (i.e.: BIGGEST GODDAMNED MOVIE OF THE DECADE) opening night 'cause I was too busy downloading Akon's new album to my iPod?" What the shit is that shit? Go see the goddamned movie 'cause I said so. This is The Empire Strikes Back of our time. I am the leading authority on Batman. Trust me. I am asked at least once a day when the new Batman is coming out. July 18th. Asshole. Apparently I'm the only one that knows this. So your ass better be at the theater because asking me would be an exercise in futility if you are not there opening night. Don't allow my intimate knowledge of The Batman to be wasted here, people.


This is my (BOURNE) ultimatum. If you don't see this film opening night, it's going to get ugly. I mean, Chloe Lattanzi from MTV's ROCK THE CRADLE ugly. Nonetheless, even though she is kind of grotesque, I'd still hit it. Pretty eyes. Misshaped head, though. I don't mean to go off on a little tangent or even end on this note, but…well…it's somewhat relevant. If they made a sequel, they could cast her as Harley Quinn. She could pull it off based on looks alone. Most horrific looking villain this side of The Predator, I think.


P.S.: Google her name real quick and browse the images. You're bound to run into a few images of the puppet from the SAW movies.


…On second thought, never mind. Even I'm not that desperate. (I'm just joking. I really am. So I'd hit it, I guess. I don't know.)


--Don't die in a fire.--


RFB


P.S.: To end my criticism on the Ledgoker, I would like to send you off with a little anecdote. The other night, a commercial for the movie popped up and the girl I was with (don't worry about who she was…okay…It was my mom) and she asked if this was a commercial for Batman. And I thought to myself, "Okay. 1) You have Christian Bale in a Doberman pincher outfit crashing on top of moving vans and 2) You have Heath Ledger in clown make-up talking about how he is gonna kill people and then firing an RPG at a black hummer/hybrid tank. Unless the Ringling Bros. have completely changed up their routine or act, I would think this would HAVE to be THE DARK KNIGHT. This ain't the fuckin' circus, ma!!! I mean, I kind of wish this was a new circus act 'cause that shit would be awesome, ya know? Sexy male icon in a Doberman pincher outfit, cruising around in his fuel-efficient hummer/ tank hybrid and a killer clown (not from outer space) firing rockets at the crowd. You just know you'd pay to see that shit up close.

That's what I think! I guess.