THE DEPARTED

THE DEPARTED

When I saw this film for the first time in 2006, I was smitten. THE DEPARTED is an awesome fuckin' movie. But more importantly—it is the definitive movie about the American male. Bar none. And furthermore, it is the most unapologetic masculine movie to hit the theaters this decade.

What I love most about it is the subtext. While this isn't a David Lynch film, it is quite heady. Nobody is drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon or stabbing their mutant baby with a pair of scissors (I believe two scenes of shit like that would make it a five star movie instead of a four, however). On the surface, THE DEPARTED appears to be a "crime saga" motion picture. Sure, on a literal level, that is what it is. However, on a critical level, there is so much more than meets the eye.

THE DEPARTED is a metaphor for the declining state of the modern American Male.

Each of the major players represents various figures of male identity. Jack Nicholson and Martin Sheen respectively embody father figures. Albeit, one is twisted and malevolent, while the other repentant and benevolent.

They're just fodder. Costello and Queenan are little more than perfunctory roles in basic male development. The meat of this fable essentially belongs to DiCaprio and Damon, who both symbolize the crisis of the modern identity crises amongst those who sport pork-swords. Hear me out.

Matt Damon as Colin Sullivan is what you'd call a "douchebag". Come down to it, he's a cocky lil' motherfucker. He's in tip-top physical shape and he kisses ass to garner promotions from his bosses. The camaraderie he shares with women makes him successful in fucking them. They also like him so as he is indestructible in cataclysmic automobile collisions and at making the camera shake sporadically during chaotic fight scenes as to induce involuntary seizures.

He dresses like money; he makes a lot of money 'cause he informs the mob on police operations. So…I suppose that makes him money, huh?

Not quite. He's a conniving, "…two-faced faggot" according to DiCaprio's Billy Costigan. Now, Costigan is what you'd call a "pussy". He's an incessant, anxiety-ridden whiner. Nobody respects him, everybody treats him like shit—that is if they even acknowledge his existence whatsoever. Unlike "Douchebag" Sullivan, he does possess redeeming traits. He's essentially the only character who is noble and paradoxically maintains the courage to infiltrate Costello's crime syndicate.

So, here we have the douchebag and the pussy. Two alternate paradigms, constantly at war with each other. How do you deepen the conflict?

Throw in another pussy. Albeit, a hairier one.

Some lady (I don't know her name) plays [who cares] who dates the douchebag and fucks the pussy one rainy night 'cause the local Korean carry-out was shut down by the DOH and she needed her fix or something, I guess. I don't know.

So here we have it. The douchebag and pussy are now fighting over a pussy. The father figures are either threatening them or patting them on the back for a job well done, etc. So…how does director Martin "Fuckin'" Scorsese thicken the plot?

Enter a MAN. Not just any man. THE MAN. The most masculine man in human history. The man who conquered the PLANET OF THE APES. Who outran gusts of wind and spouted off impromptu anecdotes regarding cough syrup. Let me ask you: Who else could theatrically deep-dick Julianne Moore so hard that she would agree to appear in THE LOST WORLD?

Marky Mark as Dignam.

Now think about that for a minute. We don't know if Dignam is his first name or last. It's irrelevant. That's one masculine fuckin' name. DIGNAM. Shit, I'd go so far as to say that's the most mannish moniker this side of MAX or DECAPITATOR.

And he's a badass. He talks shit to everybody, he lets everybody know they're shit and he don't take no shit. If you cross him, he'll make you red in the face by either yelling at you HARDCORE or just straight out decking you one. He'll even trade in his trademark backwards baseball cap for a five dollar beanie if the situation calls for it.

In short, this is one motherfucker you just don't fuck with. A perfect specimen of raw male machismo.

You see, that's all we have now: Pussies and douchebags, respectively. And it fuckin' sucks. Pussies always whine 'cause they can't get what they want ('cause they're weak) and they're jealous of douchebags 'cause DBs get what they want (e.g.: The pussy gets a douchebag's table scraps of vagina and asks for seconds). And that sucks too 'cause the only thing these fucktards deserve is a closed-coffin funeral…without an audience to send them off.

But alas! We have Marky Mark. He's an ambassador of man-justice. When a DB fucks a pussy (figuratively) for his own personal gain, he springs into action sporting man-booties and shoots the motherfucker in the face. Spoilers.

This guy is a much needed return to the art of chivalry. And he doesn't even need chicks. He only requires a surrogate face to abuse.

That's the true, blue definition of what a fuckin' MAN should be.

I say, fuck the both of 'em. I wanna be more like Marky Mark. You should too.

(Good movie, by the way…forgot to mention that)



--Don't die in a fire--
RFB



Afterword: Dignam is getting his own movie from what I hear. Maybe it's because everybody else died. Or maybe it's because he's such an awesome manly-man. ???