We could be Heroes...for just one day...

...that is if we had a better writing staff. I have something to confess: I love, love the first season of Heroes. Love it. I watched the premiere episode and thought it was interesting. Not interesting enough to clear my busy schedule and sit my ass in front of the TV every Monday night at 9:00. So I said, "Fuck it" and decided to purchase the DVD set when it was released. I can say, honestly, it could very well be the best 38 bucks I've ever spent in my entire life. I absolutely LOVED IT. Even though the writing was kinda poor and lame, I was glued to the screen. The Heroes DVD set was like crack to me. I was staying awake until five in the morning watching four to five episodes a night.

So, as the first series ended (An anti-climatic ending, but surprisingly emotional), I looked forward to series 2... And I haven't been this disappointed since the release of The Matrix Reloaded. The current season is AWFUL. Terrible. Go to any Heroes message board. People hate it. Seek out charts concerning the ratings. They're dropping faster than Briana Banks fell on her knees in that one movie; I can't remember what it was called. Many people have given up on the show. I'm about to be another one. First off...this is a show about HEROES, right? SUPERPOWERED PERSONS! Going on an epic crusade to--wait for it--save the world! And what do we get instead? A FUCKIN' COMMERCIAL.

Example: That new movie, AMERICAN GANGSTER had a banner that popped up while the show was in play...and it took up half the screen. Every character conspicuously owns the newest iPod. Everybody drives a Nissan Versa or a Rogue. In fact, the only vehicles that exist in this reality are Nissans. To drive the absurdity home, two on-the-run Mexican "heroes" drive around in a brand-spanking new Rogue on a mission to cross the border. And yet, inexplicably, even with their pimped out new ride, it took them five or six episodes to arrive at the fence. I know this is supposed to be a fantasy and all, but goddamn. THIS IS MEXICO. MEXICO. The pinnacle of third-world nations. No way in hell COULD they cruise around in a first year model SUV...much less find one. And even if they could...wouldn't two fugitive mexicans appear suspicious approaching the fence with a shiny SUV? And don't even get me started on the rest of this characters: Two of the more interesting stars from last season have become TWO MEN AND A LITTLE LADY archetypes. The central villain (note: fucking awesome villain btw) has been stripped of his brain-eating powers, and now spends his time attempting to woo a female too hot for him...while her brother is present. My favorite character is wandering around in an unconvincing, piss-poor blue screen feudal Japan with his dick in his hands. Once he gets his hands on a Nissan Versa and runs over a bunch of samurai whilst simultaneously syncing his 8 GB Ipod, I'm confident his storyline'll become a bit more interesting. And the icing on the cake: A new character who can mimic anything she sets her eyes on, uses her divine abilities to double-dutch and do a "YOU GOT SERVED" to a group of underage females. Coincidentally, she was clearly handed the latest edition iPod just last episode. With the video playback feature emphasized upon, nonetheless.

I can't imagine show creator Tim Kring saying to his fans, "HERE YOU ARE, GUYS. HERE IS YOUR EPIC FOLLOW UP TO SEASON ONE." At least in good conscience. And I don't even want to hear the "IT'LL PICK UP" argument. Impossible. Even if the season finale ended with the Justice League battling the Legion of Doom with an unlimited budget dedicated to visual effects...it would be too late. NOTHING can excuse these god-awful premiere episodes. The plot points are the same as well. Just uninteresting. Last season, it was a nuclear bomb threatening the world. Guess what it is this season? A fuckin' viral epidemic. Oh, holy shit! I mean, this is absurd. How can you out-do a nuclear bomb with a virus? Compare Terminator 2 to 12 Monkeys. What would you call a more intense action romp? Thank you. I mean, I assume vaccinating against invisible-to-the-naked-eye germs could be exciting in it's own way...but can it compare to the horror or better yet--intensity, of preventing a madman from murdering a lot of innocent people? I believe I just answered my own question.

In case you've yet to capture the vibe of this post: Heroes has become lame as fuck. I don't know who the hell is writing this shit, and truth be told, I don't care. They need to be thrown out of the highest window of a New York skyscraper. This is ridiculous beyond all comprehension. This is like Peter Jackson releasing a "special cut" of The Two Towers back in 2002 and burning the original prints before theatrical release. Rather then that badass battle for Helm's Deep and/or the awe-inspiring Balrog fight, we'd have been given an entire 3-hour film focusing on Frodo and Sam and their "sheep-herding" on the slopes of Mount Doom (For the uninitiated: Brokeback Mountain reference). So that's it. No talking trees. No A History of Violence-guy going Rambo on a bunch of Goblins. Instead, we're stuck with 3 heartbreaking hours of butt-fucking hobbits. Metaphorically speaking, that is what has happened to Heroes. And tragically, when all is said and done, it's gonna last a hell of a lot longer than a measly three hours.

All of this is hyperbole, of course. Heroes has never been on the level of The Lord of the Rings movies. Nonetheless, it still stands as an engaging hypothetical analogy. Come to think of it, that imagined cut of The Two Towers would probably be a little less painful than the second season of this discarded diaper. I am so not kidding. "Save the cheerleader. Save the world." was fascinating and it was merely a subplot last season. No concrete storylines this season. NOTHING. So far this season, nothing has been at stake. It's like a poorly executed, limp-dicked soap opera for emos. The characters just walk around in circles, stuck in situations as exciting as watching a fresh batch of wet paint dry. Looking back on it, I'll say to myself, "I wish I'd have watched that proverbial paint dry instead of watching the second season of Heroes."