RFB at the movies: (S)HITMAN

(S)HITMAN
When I was a little boy I would rush home from school and steal the television so that I could wield my square controller to master this strange 8-bit classic about an acid-tripping electrician who would jump on humanoid mushrooms and warp down pipes and dodge a fire-sprouting Dennis Hopper and shit. Fun stuff. I can’t remember what this game was called but I’m sure it will come to me and I’ll get back to you. After all, it was somewhat of an underground hit. It never really had a cult-following similar to that of the iconic E.T.: The Atari Game and Sewer Shark.

Then there was this other game where this blue armadillo and his mutant skunky friend would run around hoops and collect rings and curl into balls and bounce on this giant egg-shaped guy’s quasi-futuristic hovercraft and shit. I can’t for the life of me remember the title of this video game, either. I do know that it was available for the Sega Genesis or as I like to call it, the Sega G.

What I’m trying to say is that if video games are indicative of anything, it is this: Our society is in decline. Big time. Today’s video games all feature the same formula: Perfunctory furturistic soldier, Free-roaming chaotic endeavor where you’re encouraged to kill alot of AI-controlled characters (those games are ok) or faggy MMORPGs where you run around as a fairy and collect power points by impaling boars and pissing off dragons by driving a Toyota Tacoma into it’s belly and causing it to explode.

So much for creative aesthetic.

And to compound the insult, movie adaptations of these games are as ubiquitous as the clap in a restroom at the Cancun Cantina. Street Fighter. MORTAL KOMBAT! Super Mario Bros. Oh yeah. That’s what it was called.

I’m a bit behind; those flicks were released in the 90’s. But now...we have awesome video games to adapt. Resident Evil, Silent Hill and Tits...er...I mean Tomb Raider, were like the video game equivalent of the Spice Girl’s GIRL POWER! and the movies treated them as all women like to be treated: Pieces of meat to be ogled. Pieces of meat to be ogled and/or masturbated to.
With that being said, having owned all three of these films for quite some time, I kind of enjoy them. They’re a-ok in my book. Movies can’t get much better than this. It is a surprise that the Academy Awards did not recognize these classics or nominate them for the BEST PICTURE Oscars. I tell ya: some people just wouldn’t know art if it bit ’em on the ass.

And we’ve reached the pinnacle of societal downfall with a little movie called (S)HITMAN. Now, I’ve never played the games so I’m not familiar with the source material so maybe I’m being biased. Nonetheless, everybody I talk to says the games aren’t all that. I will admit that I downloaded a demo of the latest game. The controls were awful, the graphics were awful; I ended up running around in circles and fell off of a cliff.

This simulation as a professional assassin certainly didn’t live up to my standards. And the movie is no different.

First rule if you wanna be a (S)HITMAN, you gotta shave your head. It doesn’t matter if you’re a sexy man like Timothy Olyphant and you look absolutely fuckin’ stupid without hair. You just gotta do it. And you gotta get some ink, vato. On the back of yo’ neck. A barcode. For no reason. That is never scanned. If you wanna be one of the (S)HITMEN, it’s best to be anonymous. An on-the-lam, tall, slender, bald white American male walking through train stations or five-star hotels in a designer suit sporting isotoners is not suspicious in any way. It’s okay to undertake missions like assassinating the FUCKIN’ RUSSIAN PRESIDENT and hang around in town. Thousands of guys just like ya, I tell ya. And carry two hidden katana swords in your jacket just in case you encounter a group of random ninjas. You never know when it’s gonna go down.

Second Rule: NO SEX! It doesn’t matter if the girl you’re accompanying is a perfect ten prostitute, drunk, lying on top of your junk wearing no panties and poised to become one of Daniel Craig’s disposable fucks in the next Bond movie. Just knock her out and instead, go on a redundant, shoddily edited kill crazy rampage next scene. She wasn’t interested in you. She was just playing hard-to-get. She isn’t gonna fool you with her, "Let’s fuck" game utilizing her seductive Russian accent and...you know. That thing down there.

Third Rule: Be Sloppy. If you’re gonna snipe somebody, even if it is the leader of a nation kilometers away with a .50 cal rifle, be sure to set off some explosives at your position seconds later. Disposing of evidence is more important than getting caught. People won’t notice something as mundane as an explosion.

Fourth Rule: Attempt to one-up Jason Bourne, even if he happens to be a better character in a better series of films. Steal his background score. Emulate the editing and fight choreography from his movies. Run from place to place without getting caught, but somehow, stage stunts that are somehow more outrageous and unrealistic than the climax of ULTIMATUM. Be your own person, though. If you wanna kill cops instead of outrunning them like he does, feel free. But most importantly, when you have a girl piggyback on this grand journey you’re taking, just remember to NOT fuck her. That would be amoral. Having an attention-grabbing, coherent plot is evidently amoral as well.

Those are the four cardinal rules for being a (S)HITMAN. I believe they’re accepting applications right now. Be warned: It’s a difficult life with alot of moving around and the primary on-site hazard is sporadic ninja attacks. The life of a (S)HITMAN is similar to Hell itself ’cause it doesn’t make any sense, but that’s okay. There are benefits to reap. You can not bang ultra-hot Russian chicks if you want to.

Now, I have to mention Timothy Olyphant in this film, ’cause...well...he’s the main star. He’s a good actor but I can’t cite anything he has done that has impressed me. Well, anyhoo he’s freaking terrible in this movie. The character he plays is just god-awful. They DEFINITELY picked the wrong guy for this. Agent 47 from the video game series is designed to be a menacing predator while Timmy Olyphant, by default, is one naturally creepy dude. And I don’t mean the, "...does this look infected to you?" sort of way either. I’m talking, "Hey little girl...wanna come with me and get some non-fat yogurt?" sort of way. Sorry, guy. That’s just the way I see ya.

There is no humanity or relatability whatsoever. He has horrible social skills; he is so terse that he may as well not speak at all. He doesn’t have any qualms with his job or a feeling of guilt for undertaking "assignments", even if he is oblivious to the crimes of his clients. Throughout the movie he risks alot for his prostitute non-fuck buddy, yet murders cops when he could merely outrun them. It’s as if the director demanded of Olyphant an interpretation of a badass, gunslinging T-1000 but without the metamorphosis or the cool. He has one joke in the film and it’s about as funny as watching two 747’s collide with the World Trade Center. (Too soon?)

This character is to action movie icon as Britney Spears is to emotional and psychological stability.

It’s freakin’ sad. Here, we have all of these shitty movies based on video games and you’re GONNA FUCKIN’ TELL ME!!! that we can’t have a HALO movie ’cause it costs too much to make? What about THE LEGEND OF ZELDA? Or METROID? At this point I’m willing to settle with a RATCHET & CLANK motion picture over this generic, homogenous garbage. Shit. Why can’t we get quality video game movies? There is nowhere but up from here. And I don’t even want to hear about the price tag on epics like HALO or METROID. Most of these films fail because they don’t have a very big fanbase. Um...HALO, METROID, THE LEGEND OF ZELDA and METAL GEAR SOLID all have a rabid fanbase. The problem is, for them to be successful, the translation of these stories have to be handled with some respect and integrity. Not just handed off to the newest hack pedestrian graduate from the MTV music video director scene.

In short, it ain’t gonna happen.

I enjoyed each and every one of Uwe Boll’s video game movies over this shite. And that is DEFINITELY saying something. If I had to assign the "director" (don’t know his name, call him FUCKTARD) a rating, I would refuse to give him a gold star. No red ink, either. The pen is down. I’m not gonna attempt to "critique" this kindergartener’s fingerpainting assignment. It’s that messy. I’m not gonna even give him an "N" for NEEDS IMPROVEMENT. That would be as futile as tutoring Dubya as to prepare for a vocabulary quiz...or pointing out to him that even the most despicable sociopaths throughout history have had some form of a twisted conscience. You can’t save ’em all. *OBLIGATORY BLEEDING HEART LIBERAL COMMENTS INSERTED THERE*

As for the film itself: I’m just gonna forget I ever knew him and send him to the corner like a very bad student that just shat his pants. Perhaps I’d send him to the nurse or even a bathroom. The guidance counselors office, maybe. It all depends on what the little fucker ate for dinner the night before, how bad it smells and/or if I’m feeling generous.
For the uninitiated, the last two paragraphs was a metaphor for dismissing the film like a sheet of used toilet paper and neglecting to point out how the film worked on any level whatsoever...mostly because it didn’t. I’m like the world’s first poetic, movie critic philosopher/comedian. Thank you. I’m here all week.

Avoid at all costs. Avoid like the black plague. Avoid like a pit of pissed-off rattlesnakes. Avoid this fuckin’ movie like Super Mario the Electrician avoids union disputes. He’d much rather jump on humanoid mushrooms and run around hoops and shit with his blue armadillo friend.

I would, too.

*Note: I’m sure many of you noticed my neglect to include a cheap joke about JOYSTICKS as anybody else would in a review like this. I don’t roll like that, holmes. Also, in an attempt to maintain the positive demeanor of my post, I’m gonna include some things I liked about the movie: 1)The chick. She’s hot.

Well, that’s about it. I’m certain there are other things I’m overlooking. I’ll get back to you on that one as well.

Zero stars.