...that is if we had a better writing staff. I have something to confess: I love, love the first season of Heroes. Love it. I watched the premiere episode and thought it was interesting. Not interesting enough to clear my busy schedule and sit my ass in front of the TV every Monday night at 9:00. So I said, "Fuck it" and decided to purchase the DVD set when it was released. I can say, honestly, it could very well be the best 38 bucks I've ever spent in my entire life. I absolutely LOVED IT. Even though the writing was kinda poor and lame, I was glued to the screen. The Heroes DVD set was like crack to me. I was staying awake until five in the morning watching four to five episodes a night.
So, as the first series ended (An anti-climatic ending, but surprisingly emotional), I looked forward to series 2... And I haven't been this disappointed since the release of The Matrix Reloaded. The current season is AWFUL. Terrible. Go to any Heroes message board. People hate it. Seek out charts concerning the ratings. They're dropping faster than Briana Banks fell on her knees in that one movie; I can't remember what it was called. Many people have given up on the show. I'm about to be another one. First off...this is a show about HEROES, right? SUPERPOWERED PERSONS! Going on an epic crusade to--wait for it--save the world! And what do we get instead? A FUCKIN' COMMERCIAL.
Example: That new movie, AMERICAN GANGSTER had a banner that popped up while the show was in play...and it took up half the screen. Every character conspicuously owns the newest iPod. Everybody drives a Nissan Versa or a Rogue. In fact, the only vehicles that exist in this reality are Nissans. To drive the absurdity home, two on-the-run Mexican "heroes" drive around in a brand-spanking new Rogue on a mission to cross the border. And yet, inexplicably, even with their pimped out new ride, it took them five or six episodes to arrive at the fence. I know this is supposed to be a fantasy and all, but goddamn. THIS IS MEXICO. MEXICO. The pinnacle of third-world nations. No way in hell COULD they cruise around in a first year model SUV...much less find one. And even if they could...wouldn't two fugitive mexicans appear suspicious approaching the fence with a shiny SUV? And don't even get me started on the rest of this characters: Two of the more interesting stars from last season have become TWO MEN AND A LITTLE LADY archetypes. The central villain (note: fucking awesome villain btw) has been stripped of his brain-eating powers, and now spends his time attempting to woo a female too hot for him...while her brother is present. My favorite character is wandering around in an unconvincing, piss-poor blue screen feudal Japan with his dick in his hands. Once he gets his hands on a Nissan Versa and runs over a bunch of samurai whilst simultaneously syncing his 8 GB Ipod, I'm confident his storyline'll become a bit more interesting. And the icing on the cake: A new character who can mimic anything she sets her eyes on, uses her divine abilities to double-dutch and do a "YOU GOT SERVED" to a group of underage females. Coincidentally, she was clearly handed the latest edition iPod just last episode. With the video playback feature emphasized upon, nonetheless.
I can't imagine show creator Tim Kring saying to his fans, "HERE YOU ARE, GUYS. HERE IS YOUR EPIC FOLLOW UP TO SEASON ONE." At least in good conscience. And I don't even want to hear the "IT'LL PICK UP" argument. Impossible. Even if the season finale ended with the Justice League battling the Legion of Doom with an unlimited budget dedicated to visual effects...it would be too late. NOTHING can excuse these god-awful premiere episodes. The plot points are the same as well. Just uninteresting. Last season, it was a nuclear bomb threatening the world. Guess what it is this season? A fuckin' viral epidemic. Oh, holy shit! I mean, this is absurd. How can you out-do a nuclear bomb with a virus? Compare Terminator 2 to 12 Monkeys. What would you call a more intense action romp? Thank you. I mean, I assume vaccinating against invisible-to-the-naked-eye germs could be exciting in it's own way...but can it compare to the horror or better yet--intensity, of preventing a madman from murdering a lot of innocent people? I believe I just answered my own question.
In case you've yet to capture the vibe of this post: Heroes has become lame as fuck. I don't know who the hell is writing this shit, and truth be told, I don't care. They need to be thrown out of the highest window of a New York skyscraper. This is ridiculous beyond all comprehension. This is like Peter Jackson releasing a "special cut" of The Two Towers back in 2002 and burning the original prints before theatrical release. Rather then that badass battle for Helm's Deep and/or the awe-inspiring Balrog fight, we'd have been given an entire 3-hour film focusing on Frodo and Sam and their "sheep-herding" on the slopes of Mount Doom (For the uninitiated: Brokeback Mountain reference). So that's it. No talking trees. No A History of Violence-guy going Rambo on a bunch of Goblins. Instead, we're stuck with 3 heartbreaking hours of butt-fucking hobbits. Metaphorically speaking, that is what has happened to Heroes. And tragically, when all is said and done, it's gonna last a hell of a lot longer than a measly three hours.
All of this is hyperbole, of course. Heroes has never been on the level of The Lord of the Rings movies. Nonetheless, it still stands as an engaging hypothetical analogy. Come to think of it, that imagined cut of The Two Towers would probably be a little less painful than the second season of this discarded diaper. I am so not kidding. "Save the cheerleader. Save the world." was fascinating and it was merely a subplot last season. No concrete storylines this season. NOTHING. So far this season, nothing has been at stake. It's like a poorly executed, limp-dicked soap opera for emos. The characters just walk around in circles, stuck in situations as exciting as watching a fresh batch of wet paint dry. Looking back on it, I'll say to myself, "I wish I'd have watched that proverbial paint dry instead of watching the second season of Heroes."
Monday, November 26, 2007
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
NO CUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (THERE IS NO "O" IN CUNTRY)
* * * *
The brothers Coen are genius. I can't think of another contemporary filmmaking team that make movies in the noir genre as good of them. What I love most about any of their bleaker films is the humor that underlines it. There is so much dark humor in this film it hurts. From Chigurh's emo haircut to some of the ridiculous circumstances in this film, it could be classified as a black comedy. And for a film that is so somber in tone and "serious", it actually works. Most modern comedies and dramas are incapable of achieving the degree of their own genres as it is, which is kinda sad.
But for the Coen's, if it's a film about two bumbling idiots attempting to kidnap and inadvertantly kill a used car salesmen's wife...you're gonna find yourself laughing. If it's featuring ex-Mr. Jolie shoving a knife into the jugular of Tony Soprano...you're gonna laugh harder. And if you're watching a movie about some hick hunter being hunted fervently by one of the most intimidating movie villains to date...you're gonna be rolling in the aisles of the theater. Possibly choking to death on a popcorn kernel. Pick your cliche.
But then again...they are capable of instilling a sense of dread you've never seen before. I can't recall a movie that had me squirming and crouching in my seat at a central antagonist approaching a door, not even THE MIST. Then the scene escalates and seemlessly seques into a laugh riot; laughing at the absurdity of the situation. The Coens are completely aware of the humor of irony and situation at hand, yet integrate it so it feels even and necessary. The commercials and trailers were kinda vague so I'm gonna be a nice guy and spit out the plot description for ya: A Texan hick finds a satchel of 2 million bucks amidst the remains of a botched Mexican pinata fiesta. And like a big, dumb, stupid dummy head he takes it. The owners of the money find out who he is and to track him down they dial the psychotic henchmen hotline and order the consummate gas-tank toting lunatic. Who likes to ask inane, impertinent questions amidst the anarchy of perfectly choreographed gun battles, nonetheless.
Sure-fire best supporting actor winner Javier Bardem has been around for several years and at my dismay, I've yet to see any of his foreign films. His performance of Anton Chigurh is quite possibly one of the finest in movie history. Can you believe that I find Hannibal Lecter somewhat uninteresting and unthreatening? You know why? King Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins) hams the performance up a bit and draws far too much attention to himself. This guy (forget his name already) doesn't. In fact, I was scared shitless of him. There is this one scene towards the beginning where he threatens a gas-station owner with that baritone voice and a coin...seemingly for no reason whatsoever. Me, not being a superstitious guy at all, saw him as THE DEVIL. As I sat there, I went, "Holy shit. This guy is the embodiment of evil". He most certainly is. He approaches murder as not only a hobby, but as a way of life. And he executes his prey as if he's carrying out a mundane activity, like taking a shit or downloading the newest Akon song from iTunes. (same thing)
You look in his eyes, there is nothing there. But his eyes aren't empty. There is passion there. Even a glimmer of capacity to do good. Yet, this is one guy who is way, way, way beyond the point of redemption. He is undeniably creepy, yet somehow, there is a childlike innocence to him. It's as if he's oblivious to the fact that you're not supposed to kill people. And tying into the comedy factor, his haircut is so fuckin' retarded and bad that it deserves a movie of it's own. His stiff posture and manner of walk are quite odd. He totes around a gas tank he uses to bust open doors and then blow people away with his handy silenced shotgun. He proudly uses both liberally at his discretion, wiping out roughly 99.9% of the listed cast. In short, this is comedy of the highest principal, folks. End spoilers.
The idiosyncratic nature of this character, coupled with the brilliant performance by Bardem makes Chigurh one of the more frightening villains, um...ever, whilst simultaneously marking him as one of the newfound iconic characters in film history. PERIOD.
The rest of the cast is pretty good, too. Tommy Lee Jones is in this one. He's old. Josh Brolin is fairly good as the protagonist, but only when he's not busy punching ex-wife Diane Lane around for banging that french dude from SWAT. Kelly MacDonald has the prettiest face I've ever seen. Good performance.
But seriously, this is a metaphorical movie in a classic sense with a very pertinent message: Evil is a disease. Good is the vaccine. When the vaccine is not properly administered or sometimes not at all, evil will continue to spread throughout it's victim (in this case, society) and subsequently conquer. Goddamn! I would make a great philosopher. The ending pissed alot of people off in my theater 'cause they weren't expecting such a metaphorical, anti-climatic ending. As the credits began to roll, somebody said aloud, "What a dumb ending". I believe it was a woman who said it, so I had to restrain myself from kicking her in the balls.
Narratively it works perfectly. It held it's bleak message and themes in it's arms and wouldn't let go, and did so without resorting to condenscendence or prolonged exposition. I admire that. This isn't your conventional, standard run-of-the-mill ending, and that's what makes it so unique and distant from the garbage we're accustomed to in American cinema. Clinically brain-dead, spoon-fed assholes: You aren't paying attention. I mean that figuratively and literally.
FOUR STARS
* * * *
The brothers Coen are genius. I can't think of another contemporary filmmaking team that make movies in the noir genre as good of them. What I love most about any of their bleaker films is the humor that underlines it. There is so much dark humor in this film it hurts. From Chigurh's emo haircut to some of the ridiculous circumstances in this film, it could be classified as a black comedy. And for a film that is so somber in tone and "serious", it actually works. Most modern comedies and dramas are incapable of achieving the degree of their own genres as it is, which is kinda sad.
But for the Coen's, if it's a film about two bumbling idiots attempting to kidnap and inadvertantly kill a used car salesmen's wife...you're gonna find yourself laughing. If it's featuring ex-Mr. Jolie shoving a knife into the jugular of Tony Soprano...you're gonna laugh harder. And if you're watching a movie about some hick hunter being hunted fervently by one of the most intimidating movie villains to date...you're gonna be rolling in the aisles of the theater. Possibly choking to death on a popcorn kernel. Pick your cliche.
But then again...they are capable of instilling a sense of dread you've never seen before. I can't recall a movie that had me squirming and crouching in my seat at a central antagonist approaching a door, not even THE MIST. Then the scene escalates and seemlessly seques into a laugh riot; laughing at the absurdity of the situation. The Coens are completely aware of the humor of irony and situation at hand, yet integrate it so it feels even and necessary. The commercials and trailers were kinda vague so I'm gonna be a nice guy and spit out the plot description for ya: A Texan hick finds a satchel of 2 million bucks amidst the remains of a botched Mexican pinata fiesta. And like a big, dumb, stupid dummy head he takes it. The owners of the money find out who he is and to track him down they dial the psychotic henchmen hotline and order the consummate gas-tank toting lunatic. Who likes to ask inane, impertinent questions amidst the anarchy of perfectly choreographed gun battles, nonetheless.
Sure-fire best supporting actor winner Javier Bardem has been around for several years and at my dismay, I've yet to see any of his foreign films. His performance of Anton Chigurh is quite possibly one of the finest in movie history. Can you believe that I find Hannibal Lecter somewhat uninteresting and unthreatening? You know why? King Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins) hams the performance up a bit and draws far too much attention to himself. This guy (forget his name already) doesn't. In fact, I was scared shitless of him. There is this one scene towards the beginning where he threatens a gas-station owner with that baritone voice and a coin...seemingly for no reason whatsoever. Me, not being a superstitious guy at all, saw him as THE DEVIL. As I sat there, I went, "Holy shit. This guy is the embodiment of evil". He most certainly is. He approaches murder as not only a hobby, but as a way of life. And he executes his prey as if he's carrying out a mundane activity, like taking a shit or downloading the newest Akon song from iTunes. (same thing)
You look in his eyes, there is nothing there. But his eyes aren't empty. There is passion there. Even a glimmer of capacity to do good. Yet, this is one guy who is way, way, way beyond the point of redemption. He is undeniably creepy, yet somehow, there is a childlike innocence to him. It's as if he's oblivious to the fact that you're not supposed to kill people. And tying into the comedy factor, his haircut is so fuckin' retarded and bad that it deserves a movie of it's own. His stiff posture and manner of walk are quite odd. He totes around a gas tank he uses to bust open doors and then blow people away with his handy silenced shotgun. He proudly uses both liberally at his discretion, wiping out roughly 99.9% of the listed cast. In short, this is comedy of the highest principal, folks. End spoilers.
The idiosyncratic nature of this character, coupled with the brilliant performance by Bardem makes Chigurh one of the more frightening villains, um...ever, whilst simultaneously marking him as one of the newfound iconic characters in film history. PERIOD.
The rest of the cast is pretty good, too. Tommy Lee Jones is in this one. He's old. Josh Brolin is fairly good as the protagonist, but only when he's not busy punching ex-wife Diane Lane around for banging that french dude from SWAT. Kelly MacDonald has the prettiest face I've ever seen. Good performance.
But seriously, this is a metaphorical movie in a classic sense with a very pertinent message: Evil is a disease. Good is the vaccine. When the vaccine is not properly administered or sometimes not at all, evil will continue to spread throughout it's victim (in this case, society) and subsequently conquer. Goddamn! I would make a great philosopher. The ending pissed alot of people off in my theater 'cause they weren't expecting such a metaphorical, anti-climatic ending. As the credits began to roll, somebody said aloud, "What a dumb ending". I believe it was a woman who said it, so I had to restrain myself from kicking her in the balls.
Narratively it works perfectly. It held it's bleak message and themes in it's arms and wouldn't let go, and did so without resorting to condenscendence or prolonged exposition. I admire that. This isn't your conventional, standard run-of-the-mill ending, and that's what makes it so unique and distant from the garbage we're accustomed to in American cinema. Clinically brain-dead, spoon-fed assholes: You aren't paying attention. I mean that figuratively and literally.
FOUR STARS
CLOVERFIELD!!!
There was a new 1-18-08 trailer attached to BADWOLF last night. And boy, did it suck great big donkey balls. First, it lacked the intensity of the teaser. Every goddamn thing in the trailer was indiscernable. It's like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT on ecstasy. Hell, watching the fucker for two minutes almost made me sick, and I've made it through an all night viewing of the BOURNE trilogy without a break. No glimpses of the monster. No glimpses, but allusions to the smaller monsters. Just panicked yuppie white people running around like a bunch of frightened animals with shaki-cam in full effect. At this point, I was like, "Ok. This sucks." Then my worst fears came to pass. A guy at IESB.com had seen a leaked version of the trailer and revealed the title of the film seen at the end of the trailer. It was the "working title" of the film after all...and it's a good working title, I'll admit that. It throws people off and no way would people think this would be the actual title. I thought perhaps, that this was just a "placement card" for the real title. After all, this baby is under wraps...right? When I saw this 2 minute puke-fest, the title that I feared flashed on screen. And what...could...be...the title of this mystery film? They had kept it secret for about six months, so it has to be something great...a good strong soon-to-be iconic title that we wouldn't see coming and would be freaking awesome...right? The title is CLOVERFIELD. ??? I'm not joking. In the trailer, it is insinuated that CLOVERFIELD is the "codename" for ground zero of the initial monster attack...if that makes any difference. And if ground zero is called CLOVERFIELD, that raises questions: Could Blairzilla actually be a mutated giant Irishman? Is he throwing the heads of statues at the denizens of protestant New York so he can be accepted as an official member of the IRA? I wonder how they'll integrate this into the viral marketing campaign. Look it up on IMDb. Look it up on Ain't it Cool News. If you're interested in the seeing it, they have a low-quality trailer up. I could go on and on and on about all this shit, but frankly I'm tired. So I'm just gonna end on that note. {pukes}
BEOWULF
BADWOLF
* *
My favorite high school teacher was a man named Mr. Hoover. He was out there. He would go on and on and on with his personal philosophical notions to the point that the collective class would fall asleep on their desks. However, I kinda sorta paid attention to him. In fact, I partially credit him on the man I am today. He taught me to "open my mind" and to question things, no matter how insignificant. I remember one of the assignments he gave to us was to read the poem Beowulf.
I didn't really read it. I fact, I didn't read it at all. Somehow, even though I didn't do my work or follow his instructions in this class, I received an A. I always excelled in English class. Go me.
So, when I heard Robert Zemeckis was going to do a cinematic adaptation of the legendary poem, I was stoked. Looking at the concept art of Grendel and his nudist, dirty filthy whore of a mother definitely had me stoked. Then I saw the finished product. Now all I can say is, meh. "BADWOLF" was released in three formats on November 16th: IMAX 3D, REALD and digital. Having seen the film twice, once in normal digital and RealD, it's kinda lame. From what the information I gather, the poem is supossedly EPIC. It spans several decades and takes place in different regions, even. This film feels a bit campy. While it spans several decades, roughly 99.9% of this flaming turd takes place in ORGY CENTRAL, this hall of decadence lifted directly from the production designs of THE LORD OF THE RINGS. There is a cave and some trees. Some ocean, too. That's about it.
The previews are a bit vague, so I'm gonna be a nice guy and spit out the description for you: An animated family film featuring the narrator of How the Grinch stole Christmas as a real-estate tyrant who hosts wild, howling toga parties, get's inebriated to the point where he passes out and fondles Sean Penn's didn't-age-very-well spouse. This doesn't hold well with his resting cave-dwelling neighbor named Grendel, who busts into the hall and dismembers the grating party-goers rather then registering a complaint with local law-enforcement. So, like any pompous over-privileged dick, the tyrant hires mercenaries from all over to kill the guy. When the ill-tempered neighbor catches these guys trespassing on his property, he rips them to shreds off-screen. Hope is rekindled for the kingdom with the arrival of a chiseled mythomaniac Nazi-poster child who spastically shouts his name three or four-hundred times throughout the duration of the movie.
This is where the film is at least somewhat interesting and relevent. You see, we have a big problem in America: Asshole neighbors. With them making too much noise, their dogs leaving fecal matter in your lawn and posessing an unbelievably hot wife even though the guy's a borderline retard...it's unbareable sometimes. However, the second half of the film is where it gets boring. The whole film hecomes a metaphor about how power corrupts and how legends are sometimes exagerrated and blah, blah, blah. These are not universal subjects for the average movie-goer. I've seen this shit before but in better movies like DEAD MAN'S CHEST AND SPIDER-MAN 3. The fantasy genre frequently visits themes such as this. Try something different, will ya? The relationship between neighbors is a good example; it is safe to say that it has never been touched upon in a fantasy film. Go for something bordering self-parody, even. The Austin Powers fight between Grendel and a butt-naked BADWOLF is undeniably homoerotic, with his six-pack and big muscles. All that gay shit. His presumably large cock is flopping back and forth during the fight and the camera continues to block it by conveniently inserting items such as swords in front of his junk. But this isn't done to expose the hypocritical MPAA for accepting on-screen ultra-violence over innocuous, freely-exposed cock...or to examine the frivolity of bareasses and swinging dicks back in the dark ages. It was done clearly to attain a PG-13 rating. Homoeroticism, however, is a relevent topic nowadays, just watch the Bravo network and tell me this isn't true. Go with it.
The central theme, POWER...how is the corruption of power gonna affect my life in anyway? Am I gonna be promoted to deli manager and with it earn a set income with which I'm able to afford the payments of a Dodge Durango? What? Am I gonna buy a bowl of Chili con carne from Taco Bell that's so delicious that it goes to my head when I brag about having eaten the greatest Chili con carne ever known to man? Hell, Taco Bell doesn't even serve Chili con carne.
I do, however, have to put up with asshole neighbors. I live in an apartment complex and a group of asshole mexicans just moved in above me. So now I have to deal with incessantly loud snoring at night and Ricky Martin discoes at the crack of dawn. I wanna pull a Grendel sometimes. Back on track: After Grendel dies, his over-protective mother gets angry and begins to terrorize the kingdom. So, BADWOLF embarks on an epic journey up a hill to enter her domain and hack her to pieces with a sword the guy from BEING JOHN MALKOVICH gave him. In the cave, he finds the hottest piece of ass in the known world and instead of piercing her chest with his blade, he pierces her gash with his cock. And inexplicably, for no reason whatsoever, the narrator jumps off the castle wall, BADWOLF inherits the real-estate company, time flashes forward a few decades and BADWOLF is grizzled and guilty 'cause he lied all of these years about killing Mrs. Brad Pitt. Then a rival pyromaniac flying lizard emerges from Grendel's old crib and lowers the equity value of the community by burning it to the ground. I don't know. The film lost me at this point.
Isn't it bad enough that Hollywood turned Spider-Man into an emo caricature? Excusably, he was one step away from becoming that in the comic books. But is it necessary to turn the original "superhero" into one? This emo fad is just that: A fuckin' fad. You don't have to turn every single goddamn hero into a haunted, guilt-ridden whiner. Note: Pussies (i.e.: men who show emotions) did not exist before the 1960's. If the action heroes of the 80's were representative of the conservative, take-no-prisoner mindset of the era, then the faggy action heroes we're given today are representative of the decline of the American macho male. Tragic. So tragic.
All in all, it's worth seeing in REALD. It's an interesting experience and while the future of cinema is looking kinda dim, at least arrows can now fly past our heads while we watch movies in the theater. IN NO WAY should you see this film in digital. Most of the movie is shot in a way to correspond with the 3D imagery, so it's distracting in regular format. And keep the 3D glasses they hand out to you, folks. You're gonna need 'em next summer when the Brendan Fraser vehicle, JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH is released in 3D. That was a joke.
TWO STARS.
* *
My favorite high school teacher was a man named Mr. Hoover. He was out there. He would go on and on and on with his personal philosophical notions to the point that the collective class would fall asleep on their desks. However, I kinda sorta paid attention to him. In fact, I partially credit him on the man I am today. He taught me to "open my mind" and to question things, no matter how insignificant. I remember one of the assignments he gave to us was to read the poem Beowulf.
I didn't really read it. I fact, I didn't read it at all. Somehow, even though I didn't do my work or follow his instructions in this class, I received an A. I always excelled in English class. Go me.
So, when I heard Robert Zemeckis was going to do a cinematic adaptation of the legendary poem, I was stoked. Looking at the concept art of Grendel and his nudist, dirty filthy whore of a mother definitely had me stoked. Then I saw the finished product. Now all I can say is, meh. "BADWOLF" was released in three formats on November 16th: IMAX 3D, REALD and digital. Having seen the film twice, once in normal digital and RealD, it's kinda lame. From what the information I gather, the poem is supossedly EPIC. It spans several decades and takes place in different regions, even. This film feels a bit campy. While it spans several decades, roughly 99.9% of this flaming turd takes place in ORGY CENTRAL, this hall of decadence lifted directly from the production designs of THE LORD OF THE RINGS. There is a cave and some trees. Some ocean, too. That's about it.
The previews are a bit vague, so I'm gonna be a nice guy and spit out the description for you: An animated family film featuring the narrator of How the Grinch stole Christmas as a real-estate tyrant who hosts wild, howling toga parties, get's inebriated to the point where he passes out and fondles Sean Penn's didn't-age-very-well spouse. This doesn't hold well with his resting cave-dwelling neighbor named Grendel, who busts into the hall and dismembers the grating party-goers rather then registering a complaint with local law-enforcement. So, like any pompous over-privileged dick, the tyrant hires mercenaries from all over to kill the guy. When the ill-tempered neighbor catches these guys trespassing on his property, he rips them to shreds off-screen. Hope is rekindled for the kingdom with the arrival of a chiseled mythomaniac Nazi-poster child who spastically shouts his name three or four-hundred times throughout the duration of the movie.
This is where the film is at least somewhat interesting and relevent. You see, we have a big problem in America: Asshole neighbors. With them making too much noise, their dogs leaving fecal matter in your lawn and posessing an unbelievably hot wife even though the guy's a borderline retard...it's unbareable sometimes. However, the second half of the film is where it gets boring. The whole film hecomes a metaphor about how power corrupts and how legends are sometimes exagerrated and blah, blah, blah. These are not universal subjects for the average movie-goer. I've seen this shit before but in better movies like DEAD MAN'S CHEST AND SPIDER-MAN 3. The fantasy genre frequently visits themes such as this. Try something different, will ya? The relationship between neighbors is a good example; it is safe to say that it has never been touched upon in a fantasy film. Go for something bordering self-parody, even. The Austin Powers fight between Grendel and a butt-naked BADWOLF is undeniably homoerotic, with his six-pack and big muscles. All that gay shit. His presumably large cock is flopping back and forth during the fight and the camera continues to block it by conveniently inserting items such as swords in front of his junk. But this isn't done to expose the hypocritical MPAA for accepting on-screen ultra-violence over innocuous, freely-exposed cock...or to examine the frivolity of bareasses and swinging dicks back in the dark ages. It was done clearly to attain a PG-13 rating. Homoeroticism, however, is a relevent topic nowadays, just watch the Bravo network and tell me this isn't true. Go with it.
The central theme, POWER...how is the corruption of power gonna affect my life in anyway? Am I gonna be promoted to deli manager and with it earn a set income with which I'm able to afford the payments of a Dodge Durango? What? Am I gonna buy a bowl of Chili con carne from Taco Bell that's so delicious that it goes to my head when I brag about having eaten the greatest Chili con carne ever known to man? Hell, Taco Bell doesn't even serve Chili con carne.
I do, however, have to put up with asshole neighbors. I live in an apartment complex and a group of asshole mexicans just moved in above me. So now I have to deal with incessantly loud snoring at night and Ricky Martin discoes at the crack of dawn. I wanna pull a Grendel sometimes. Back on track: After Grendel dies, his over-protective mother gets angry and begins to terrorize the kingdom. So, BADWOLF embarks on an epic journey up a hill to enter her domain and hack her to pieces with a sword the guy from BEING JOHN MALKOVICH gave him. In the cave, he finds the hottest piece of ass in the known world and instead of piercing her chest with his blade, he pierces her gash with his cock. And inexplicably, for no reason whatsoever, the narrator jumps off the castle wall, BADWOLF inherits the real-estate company, time flashes forward a few decades and BADWOLF is grizzled and guilty 'cause he lied all of these years about killing Mrs. Brad Pitt. Then a rival pyromaniac flying lizard emerges from Grendel's old crib and lowers the equity value of the community by burning it to the ground. I don't know. The film lost me at this point.
Isn't it bad enough that Hollywood turned Spider-Man into an emo caricature? Excusably, he was one step away from becoming that in the comic books. But is it necessary to turn the original "superhero" into one? This emo fad is just that: A fuckin' fad. You don't have to turn every single goddamn hero into a haunted, guilt-ridden whiner. Note: Pussies (i.e.: men who show emotions) did not exist before the 1960's. If the action heroes of the 80's were representative of the conservative, take-no-prisoner mindset of the era, then the faggy action heroes we're given today are representative of the decline of the American macho male. Tragic. So tragic.
All in all, it's worth seeing in REALD. It's an interesting experience and while the future of cinema is looking kinda dim, at least arrows can now fly past our heads while we watch movies in the theater. IN NO WAY should you see this film in digital. Most of the movie is shot in a way to correspond with the 3D imagery, so it's distracting in regular format. And keep the 3D glasses they hand out to you, folks. You're gonna need 'em next summer when the Brendan Fraser vehicle, JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH is released in 3D. That was a joke.
TWO STARS.
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