SEX IN THE CITY: THE MOTION PICTURE (subtitled: EVERYBODY FUCKS EVERYBODY)
IRON MAN was fly. It was dope, it was off the chain, or hook or handle. However you young people talk. But the best part of it was the after-end-credits sequence with Samuel L. Jackson as the director of S.H.I.E.L.D., NICK FURY. How he popped up and mentioned something about an, "...Avenger initiative".
And this...kicks...all...sorts...of...unholy...ass. It's a big Marvel crossover. So soon enough Marvel's Golden Child SPIDER-MAN will be swinging around with his new PUNISHER buddy and they'll both be at each other's throats 'cause they disagree on how to handle injustice. Soon enough, THE THING will be trading blows with THE HULK 'cause of the racial differences (Orange-on-Green violence...it's a crime). Soon enough, Spidey will be invited to join the JUSTICE LEAGUE and will fight alongside Superman, Batman, The Green Lantern, Wonder Woman and so on and so forth. Eventually it'll just become a gigantic superhero orgy and if Spider-Man plays his cards right...maybe...just maybe...he'll be allowed to shoot his web onto Wonder Woman's face. I'm excited (Note: Not as excited as Spider-Man, that's for sure, but pretty damn excited).
And I was thinking, "Damn! Every new movie should end with Nick Fury reciting this shit". Imagine how awesome it would be if WALL-E ended like this?
1. INT. WALL-E'S CRIB-EARTH-700 YEARS IN THE FUTURE
WALL-E wheels inside of his crib with his new homegirl, EVE. WALL-E switches the light switch to no avail. Suddenly, a dark figure appears from the shadows.
DARK FIGURE
Mr. WALL-E. You've started something. Do you think you're the only solitary trash-compacting robot on the planet?
WALL-E speaks incoherently in his robotic garble.
DARK FIGURE
I'm NICK FURY, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I'm here to talk to you about the AVENGER'S initiative.
WALL-E
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal-E.
THE END
That shit's off da hook!
Or how about if they went back and replaced all of the endings of every movie ever made with Sam Jackson wearing an eye patch, mentioning something about an Avenger's initiative? It could work. Just look at SCHINDLER'S LIST, for instance. Just remove all of the shit at the end with the gravestone and Schindler's emo-crisis when he realizes he could've saved more of those meek motherfuckers. It's irrelevant to the story.
What is relevant, however, is CAPTAIN FUCKIN' AMERICA. He fought in WWII, clashed with The Red Skull and was frozen in the North Atlantic, to be defrosted decades later ala Austin Powers. It fits seamlessly into Schindler's List as far as I'm concerned. This shit is more important than the fable of the holocaust. That shit never happened; it's the grandest conspiracy/hoax in human history. However, there was a flag-wearing man who injected himself with mutant steroids and and threw a metallic frisbee at German people. AND he leads THE AVENGERS. This is authentic; it's been documented. Research it on the reliable Wikipedia. It's all there.
Then you have Nick Fury's fellow homeboys who could show up at random: SPIDER-MAN, THOR, IRON MAN, HULK, BLADE...fuckin' Blade, man. Blade should be cameoed in every movie set for release from now on. Motherfucker just shows up and starts saying shit like, "It's open season on all suckheads" or "Some motherfuckers always trying to skate uphill". And he follows these sentences by swiftly decapitating the most unlikable character on-screen. We could use stock footage and insert appropriate sound bytes from the BLADE series. Matt and Trey did this with one of the best episodes of SOUTH PARK, so they proved it could be done. Let's make an effort, shall we?
(Come to think of it, we really, really needed Blade during THE PHANTOM MENACE. This is called "plot development", people. Let's get with it.)
And frankly, I feel that he would've been most at home with SEX IN THE CITY: THE MOTION PICTURE (subtitled: EVERYBODY FUCKS EVERYBODY). This is a story about four, over-the-hill STD infested vampires who moonlight as four, over-the-hill, STD infested croc-shoe collectors. As they're all despicable, self-obsessed, borderline sociopathic materialists who have never felt a genuine, raw emotion throughout their pitiful run of life, I don't know. Decapitation sounds like a happy ending to me. Like when Bambi's mom got shot. That made my day when I was a child, I tell ya.
Well, that about ends the review. Yes sir, indeedy. I haven't seen the film, nor will I ever. I just wanted to share this epiphany with you. I don't know. I'm just opining my subversive views to aid and improve the declining state of modern cinema. That's all.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
THE HAPPENING
THE WHAT'S-GOING-ON?
Jesus jumped-up Christ with a jump-rope and crackers. M. Night Shyamalan's latest THE WHAT'S-GOING-ON? is a travesty of motion picture. This is a movie that is so bad that I fervently believe that it is not by accident. Nobody can make a movie this bad unless they set out to make a movie this bad. And I loved every second of it. Not because I could laugh at the absurdity or unintentional laughter this film provokes. Oh, no. I loved it 'cause this is the official career death rattle of an arrogant hack, one-trick-pony moviemaker who insists that he shares a "secret" formula that only he and Spielberg are in on.
With WHAT'S-GOING-ON?, Shyamalan has proven that he is not only full of shit, but full of himself. Unless this is his idea of a sick joke or an experimental endeavor to emulate and "best" the low-level quality of the worst directed B-movies ever conceived, then I have no respect for the prick. I believe the man has talent, but refuses to challenge himself or attempt to delve into versatility as an auteur. And his work has grown stale; it's perfunctory. He's a grade-A, know-it-all asshole, and I believe that at this point, he's the only motherfucker on the face of the planet that still believes his own hyperbolic "craftsmanship" as a filmmaker.
For fuck's sake. Shyamalan is so uncreative at this point in his "career" that he can't even come up with a strong title for this one. THE HAPPENING. Boy, that'll pack the theaters full! That's, like, the worst title in the history of film. Bar none. Even worse than A SOUND OF THUNDER or SNAKES ON A PLANE. And it did not pack the theater full. I saw a matinee and there were maybe 10 people in the theater at most.
What's the plot? Wait...there was a plot? As I watched in disbelief, this was simply a story about underdeveloped, grating characters trying to outrun gusts of wind. Oh, well. That's about it. Not as exciting as it sounds, I can assure you of that. But that's okay. Not every movie can be as exciting as MIAMI VICE or Ang Lee's HULK, regardless of how hard the filmmakers may try.
Marky Mark delivers a performance for the ages. His line delivery dethrones Winona Ryder in any film she has ever desecrated with her presence. It's that good *cough*bad*cough* that he will most likely visit the podium to accept an award next season.
The Golden Raspberry awards, I mean.
Then again, it's really not his fault. The poor guy, along with the rest of the cast, don't have a lot to work with. The performances are universally horrid. In the world of this movie, mass suicides must be frequent as none of the characters respond realistically whatsoever. The deaths aren't stark or brutal...they're laughable. As the movie drags the fuck along, they become even more absurd...thus providing more laughing stock. This is not just because of the lack of creativity behind them...there is nothing at stake. If THE HAPPENING is a vision of the apocalyptic finale of the human race, then I would have to say GOOD RIDDANCE. I had no emotional connection to the characters at all; it didn't matter to me if they lived or died. And to the few supporting characters that did die, I laughed my ass off at them. Not because I'm sadistic, but because they were vacuous archetypes, traversing mundanely through inexplicable, "hazardous" circumstances.
Too much babyfat, too. The subplots in this film offer nothing. The dialogue needs nowhere. I don't give a shit about hot-dogs. I don't care about the disappearance of bees across the nation. Here we have it; a phenomena of mass-suicide sweeping the east coast, and we're stuck here listening to platitudes from the most uninteresting characters in recent memory, minus the SEX IN THE CITY sluts/whores/walking-stds/cunts. John Leguizamo's character may as well not exist, the "tragic" deaths of the two children who travel with Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch was hilarious and really didn't have any empathetic impact, at all. The old lady they encounter at the end is the highlight of this movie. I love this woman. She's so ghoulishly succinct and oblivious to the situation at hand that you can't help but laugh or cheer whenever she appears on-screen.
The "Joey" cheating-wife subplot is retarded; it has no place in the story. Marky Mark fires back with the most uproarious anecdote I've ever heard in my entire life. Problem is that it WASN'T funny; it was a daffy, incoherent limerick that interrupted the imminent doom of the situation. Death is literally on the wind...If I was in that situation I don't think I'd be making corny jokes about cough syrup. I'd be more interested in SURVIVAL or "PAINTING" A MAP OF HAWAII ON THE FACE OF MY SMOKING HOT WIFE BEFORE THE WHOLE GODDAMNED WORLD ENDS!!!
I don't know. Perhaps I'm just a little odd.
I was laughing uncontrollably at the absurdity and piss-poor writing that was presented in front of me. This is unintentional camp-comedy of the highest pedigree. But on a narrative level, seriously, there really is no reason any movie should ever be this nauseating.
All right. I'm finished. Um...horrible. That's all I'm going to say. This movie is Ludivico treatment-quality bad. Forcing somebody to watch this shit against their will would be a crime on par with first-degree rape. Coaxing someone to watch this is as monstrous as administering an impromptu torture session which involves jumper cables, a car battery and the victim's testes.
So thank you once again for your contribution to the world of cinema, Mr. Shyama-la-ma-ding-dong. It's been a delight to watch your candle burn out so embarrassingly--and--deservedly. Go plummet off of a building to your demise, you pretentious prick. At this point, it's the only trick you could pull off and continue to hold my attention. Unlike THE HAPPENING, I wouldn't be ashamed that I wasted 10 bucks for the price of admission, either.
I will more than likely purchase this movie when it is released on DVD (i.e.: five dollar bin at Wally World) and we will all have a BP-sponsored movie night so that we can all drink up and rip this film to shreds MST3K-style. Opportune laughing stock doesn't get much better than this.
Nevertheless, this is one of the worst films of the year *cough*decade*cough.
--Don't die in a fire--unless you're M. Night Shyama-la-ma-ding-dong.--
RFB
Jesus jumped-up Christ with a jump-rope and crackers. M. Night Shyamalan's latest THE WHAT'S-GOING-ON? is a travesty of motion picture. This is a movie that is so bad that I fervently believe that it is not by accident. Nobody can make a movie this bad unless they set out to make a movie this bad. And I loved every second of it. Not because I could laugh at the absurdity or unintentional laughter this film provokes. Oh, no. I loved it 'cause this is the official career death rattle of an arrogant hack, one-trick-pony moviemaker who insists that he shares a "secret" formula that only he and Spielberg are in on.
With WHAT'S-GOING-ON?, Shyamalan has proven that he is not only full of shit, but full of himself. Unless this is his idea of a sick joke or an experimental endeavor to emulate and "best" the low-level quality of the worst directed B-movies ever conceived, then I have no respect for the prick. I believe the man has talent, but refuses to challenge himself or attempt to delve into versatility as an auteur. And his work has grown stale; it's perfunctory. He's a grade-A, know-it-all asshole, and I believe that at this point, he's the only motherfucker on the face of the planet that still believes his own hyperbolic "craftsmanship" as a filmmaker.
For fuck's sake. Shyamalan is so uncreative at this point in his "career" that he can't even come up with a strong title for this one. THE HAPPENING. Boy, that'll pack the theaters full! That's, like, the worst title in the history of film. Bar none. Even worse than A SOUND OF THUNDER or SNAKES ON A PLANE. And it did not pack the theater full. I saw a matinee and there were maybe 10 people in the theater at most.
What's the plot? Wait...there was a plot? As I watched in disbelief, this was simply a story about underdeveloped, grating characters trying to outrun gusts of wind. Oh, well. That's about it. Not as exciting as it sounds, I can assure you of that. But that's okay. Not every movie can be as exciting as MIAMI VICE or Ang Lee's HULK, regardless of how hard the filmmakers may try.
Marky Mark delivers a performance for the ages. His line delivery dethrones Winona Ryder in any film she has ever desecrated with her presence. It's that good *cough*bad*cough* that he will most likely visit the podium to accept an award next season.
The Golden Raspberry awards, I mean.
Then again, it's really not his fault. The poor guy, along with the rest of the cast, don't have a lot to work with. The performances are universally horrid. In the world of this movie, mass suicides must be frequent as none of the characters respond realistically whatsoever. The deaths aren't stark or brutal...they're laughable. As the movie drags the fuck along, they become even more absurd...thus providing more laughing stock. This is not just because of the lack of creativity behind them...there is nothing at stake. If THE HAPPENING is a vision of the apocalyptic finale of the human race, then I would have to say GOOD RIDDANCE. I had no emotional connection to the characters at all; it didn't matter to me if they lived or died. And to the few supporting characters that did die, I laughed my ass off at them. Not because I'm sadistic, but because they were vacuous archetypes, traversing mundanely through inexplicable, "hazardous" circumstances.
Too much babyfat, too. The subplots in this film offer nothing. The dialogue needs nowhere. I don't give a shit about hot-dogs. I don't care about the disappearance of bees across the nation. Here we have it; a phenomena of mass-suicide sweeping the east coast, and we're stuck here listening to platitudes from the most uninteresting characters in recent memory, minus the SEX IN THE CITY sluts/whores/walking-stds/cunts. John Leguizamo's character may as well not exist, the "tragic" deaths of the two children who travel with Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch was hilarious and really didn't have any empathetic impact, at all. The old lady they encounter at the end is the highlight of this movie. I love this woman. She's so ghoulishly succinct and oblivious to the situation at hand that you can't help but laugh or cheer whenever she appears on-screen.
The "Joey" cheating-wife subplot is retarded; it has no place in the story. Marky Mark fires back with the most uproarious anecdote I've ever heard in my entire life. Problem is that it WASN'T funny; it was a daffy, incoherent limerick that interrupted the imminent doom of the situation. Death is literally on the wind...If I was in that situation I don't think I'd be making corny jokes about cough syrup. I'd be more interested in SURVIVAL or "PAINTING" A MAP OF HAWAII ON THE FACE OF MY SMOKING HOT WIFE BEFORE THE WHOLE GODDAMNED WORLD ENDS!!!
I don't know. Perhaps I'm just a little odd.
I was laughing uncontrollably at the absurdity and piss-poor writing that was presented in front of me. This is unintentional camp-comedy of the highest pedigree. But on a narrative level, seriously, there really is no reason any movie should ever be this nauseating.
All right. I'm finished. Um...horrible. That's all I'm going to say. This movie is Ludivico treatment-quality bad. Forcing somebody to watch this shit against their will would be a crime on par with first-degree rape. Coaxing someone to watch this is as monstrous as administering an impromptu torture session which involves jumper cables, a car battery and the victim's testes.
So thank you once again for your contribution to the world of cinema, Mr. Shyama-la-ma-ding-dong. It's been a delight to watch your candle burn out so embarrassingly--and--deservedly. Go plummet off of a building to your demise, you pretentious prick. At this point, it's the only trick you could pull off and continue to hold my attention. Unlike THE HAPPENING, I wouldn't be ashamed that I wasted 10 bucks for the price of admission, either.
I will more than likely purchase this movie when it is released on DVD (i.e.: five dollar bin at Wally World) and we will all have a BP-sponsored movie night so that we can all drink up and rip this film to shreds MST3K-style. Opportune laughing stock doesn't get much better than this.
Nevertheless, this is one of the worst films of the year *cough*decade*cough.
--Don't die in a fire--unless you're M. Night Shyama-la-ma-ding-dong.--
RFB
FUNNY GAMES U.S.
FUNNY GAMES U.S.
In late January, I traveled afar to see last year's Oscar-nominated THERE WILL BE BLOOD. While I was there at the screening, I saw many trailers for obscure independent films. While I do not remember what many of those films were, I do remember the trailer for the movie FUNNY GAMES U.S. It looked interesting, so I went home after TWBB and checked the movie's information online. It came to my attention that this was an Americanized remake of the Swedish horror film…FUNNY GAMES made by the same guy. The original is what is often called the "granddaddy" of the torture porn genre…but tragically, filmmakers completely failed to connect with the message and themes of this movie.
While I would otherwise shun another asinine remake of a foreign horror movie, I kept reading about the original, what it was about, etc. And it made sense that the director would remake his own film shot-by-shot, in response to the self-indulgent, disgusting plethora of vacuous horror films that were being shat out on what seemed to be a weekly basis.
Having finally seen it, I will only say three words about this film.
Ho. Lee. Shit.
This is a home invasion movie akin to the French horror film THEM or the American response of THE STRANGERS. However, where as at least THE STRANGERS (never seen THEM) intention was to scare you to the core, FUNNY GAMES U.S. has another agenda on its mind altogether.
You see, we have this complex in America called SADISM. As a collective cinema-going group, we enjoy blood; we enjoy cinematic violence. We revel upon faceless murderers who employ diverse, shocking tactics to dispatch hapless prey. On the flip side, we often side with the protagonist(s)/survivors as this world is a daily struggle of incessant ridicule. We cheer when the victims turn the tables on the aggressor. It's fun. It caters to our Id; to project impulses that we could never act out on in the course of our mundane reality. We slap down our hard-earned money to sit in a darkened theater for 1-2 hours to watch these monsters, "…fire it up" so to speak.
FUNNY GAMES U.S. turns that around and asks us: What happens when amusement is stripped from a horror film? Rather than focusing on our need to act out our sinister impulses we are instead forced to experience, in detail, the psychological and physical torture of the pending victims? What happens when the "fairy" is removed from the ending of a grisly, nihilistic tale?
In short, why the HELL did you pay to view an "entertaining" fable of two psychotic golfers that torture and subsequently murder a conjugal family to, in effect, entertain themselves?
FUNNY GAMES U.S. is not entertaining. AT ALL. I honestly can't see how anybody that is not currently convicted could find this film entertaining. But that's not a bad thing. That's the point. Rather than amuse or "entertain" you, it's meant to make you furious; to perturb and give you cause to think about why it distresses you.
Mark my words: This movie is disturbing. It's fucked up is more appropriate, actually. An impressive feat as there is only one scene of on-screen violence throughout the near 2-hour run of this movie. The brilliant, patient cinematography, coupled with the superb performances by Tim Roth and Naomi Watts as the family in danger accentuate the slow-burn of the circumstances. All of the violence is implied and sterile and I'm not gonna lie to you: Some of the events that took place were so heinous that I was frankly shocked to see them in an American movie at all. FUNNY GAMES U.S. purposely crosses the line several times to drive the point home: We're all a bunch of sick fucks. And it ain't cool. At all.
It was released this Tuesday on DVD and I give it the RFB SEAL OF APPROVAL. I'd recommend checking it out. This is an artistic film set to disturb and give room for reflection. FUNNY GAMES U.S. did just that and when a movie actually delivers on what it promises and intends, I must respect that.
--Don't die in a fire--
RFB
In late January, I traveled afar to see last year's Oscar-nominated THERE WILL BE BLOOD. While I was there at the screening, I saw many trailers for obscure independent films. While I do not remember what many of those films were, I do remember the trailer for the movie FUNNY GAMES U.S. It looked interesting, so I went home after TWBB and checked the movie's information online. It came to my attention that this was an Americanized remake of the Swedish horror film…FUNNY GAMES made by the same guy. The original is what is often called the "granddaddy" of the torture porn genre…but tragically, filmmakers completely failed to connect with the message and themes of this movie.
While I would otherwise shun another asinine remake of a foreign horror movie, I kept reading about the original, what it was about, etc. And it made sense that the director would remake his own film shot-by-shot, in response to the self-indulgent, disgusting plethora of vacuous horror films that were being shat out on what seemed to be a weekly basis.
Having finally seen it, I will only say three words about this film.
Ho. Lee. Shit.
This is a home invasion movie akin to the French horror film THEM or the American response of THE STRANGERS. However, where as at least THE STRANGERS (never seen THEM) intention was to scare you to the core, FUNNY GAMES U.S. has another agenda on its mind altogether.
You see, we have this complex in America called SADISM. As a collective cinema-going group, we enjoy blood; we enjoy cinematic violence. We revel upon faceless murderers who employ diverse, shocking tactics to dispatch hapless prey. On the flip side, we often side with the protagonist(s)/survivors as this world is a daily struggle of incessant ridicule. We cheer when the victims turn the tables on the aggressor. It's fun. It caters to our Id; to project impulses that we could never act out on in the course of our mundane reality. We slap down our hard-earned money to sit in a darkened theater for 1-2 hours to watch these monsters, "…fire it up" so to speak.
FUNNY GAMES U.S. turns that around and asks us: What happens when amusement is stripped from a horror film? Rather than focusing on our need to act out our sinister impulses we are instead forced to experience, in detail, the psychological and physical torture of the pending victims? What happens when the "fairy" is removed from the ending of a grisly, nihilistic tale?
In short, why the HELL did you pay to view an "entertaining" fable of two psychotic golfers that torture and subsequently murder a conjugal family to, in effect, entertain themselves?
FUNNY GAMES U.S. is not entertaining. AT ALL. I honestly can't see how anybody that is not currently convicted could find this film entertaining. But that's not a bad thing. That's the point. Rather than amuse or "entertain" you, it's meant to make you furious; to perturb and give you cause to think about why it distresses you.
Mark my words: This movie is disturbing. It's fucked up is more appropriate, actually. An impressive feat as there is only one scene of on-screen violence throughout the near 2-hour run of this movie. The brilliant, patient cinematography, coupled with the superb performances by Tim Roth and Naomi Watts as the family in danger accentuate the slow-burn of the circumstances. All of the violence is implied and sterile and I'm not gonna lie to you: Some of the events that took place were so heinous that I was frankly shocked to see them in an American movie at all. FUNNY GAMES U.S. purposely crosses the line several times to drive the point home: We're all a bunch of sick fucks. And it ain't cool. At all.
It was released this Tuesday on DVD and I give it the RFB SEAL OF APPROVAL. I'd recommend checking it out. This is an artistic film set to disturb and give room for reflection. FUNNY GAMES U.S. did just that and when a movie actually delivers on what it promises and intends, I must respect that.
--Don't die in a fire--
RFB
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
How about 'dem STRANGERS?
THE STRANGERS
Real quick admission: I'm not a very big fan of the horror genre. And that's kind of ironic coming from me, the guy who always mentions murder or death or dismemberment on average of every 1.3 seconds. I don't know. They just aren't for me. I enjoy a severed head or forcible eye removal as much as the next guy, don't get me wrong. I just don't like horror films that much in general. They're often poorly made, financially and structurally; they rarely ever scare me and they're all derivative of each other. Many of them are born out of pure indulgence and exploitation. Honestly, I find most of them insulting in just about every way: Ethically, socially, narratively and artistically...if there is any art to mine from them whatsoever. And many of them are highly misogynistic in nature and those who have known me for some time know that I have nothing but respect for women....
Of course this doesn't mean that there aren't some gems out there. I love Romero's DEAD series. PSYCHO is in the top 20 list of greatest films of all time catalog. ALIEN remains one of my top 10 favorite movies ever made. Raimi's EVIL DEAD trilogy...three words: BRUCE FUCKIN' CAMPBELL. The original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE is a meticulous blend of intentional (and unintentional) dark humor and the macabre. Most other horror films I could care less about.
It is admittedly my least favorite genre of motion pictures, hands down. Though, then again, of every genre of film, horror has the most sub-genres: Body horror, psychological horror, horror-thriller, monster horror, giant monster horror, slasher horror, comedy-horror, torture porn horror (i.e.: death of cinema), etc. My favorite, I guess, would have to be the psychological horror sub-genre. It's the only sub-genre with a sense of sophistication and class, where as the others are mostly about knives-in-the-foreheads and loose women who show us their naughty bits.
And what the shit is all of this torture porn shit? "Hey, let's just cut people to bits and show an incessant amount of gore for no reason!!!!!" It defeats it's purpose: First of all, violence in film has grown so extreme over the years that we've all grown de-sensitized to it. Secondly, we have a little organization in the states called the MPAA (aka pretentious cocksuckers).
Their job is to view and subsequently stamp the movie with an initial to relegate it's release to the intended audience. That means...and I'm talking to you, ya self-indulgent, amateur hack directors, that any "shocking" or "traumatizing" violence would not make it past the censors and it has to be trimmed down or eliminated from the film altogether. And's it is not scary. What's the purpose of creating stark, "graphic" violent films if they aren't at least mildly humorous or entertaining? MUTILATION NOT AS FRIGHTENING AS WHAT CAUSES HUMAN BEINGS TO COMMIT ACTS LIKE THESE.
Actually, you know where torture porn comes from? It's a gathering of burnt-out, movie screenwriters/producers/directors (who may or may not possess a collective IQ that ranges low into the double-digits) sitting around a glass coffee table, cutting up an 8-ball into tiny lines, snorting those lines of yayo and then coming up with the most "creative" ways to kill people off.
I'd go so far as to say that looking at the piss-poor quality of them, the only "shock value" to be derived is having to acknowledge that they were actually made by human hands.
Saw, Hostel, that remake-of-the-week shit. Garbage. All of 'em. Not one good thing can be said about any of these films, whatsoever. Irredeemable in every way possible.
So how was THE STRANGERS?
Ho. Lee. Shit.
This film is getting mixed to mostly bad reviews. And to the snobby, elitist critics who are completely panning it from head to toe, to you I say: Fuck you, and yo' mama. While it is certainly far from a perfect film, any professional critic with an iota of credibility will at least admit that this is a well made film, especially for a first time director. This is a great debut film, I look forward to seeing what other movies he has in store for us. The man clearly has talent for building tension and suspense and he has a wonderful eye for detail. It actually feels like a motion picture, not just an exercise in self-indulgence.
The basis of most horror films are like this: Protagonists (often unlikable assholes...keep this in mind; it comes in later) go somewhere. Add supernatural/psychotic/alien element that hunts them down and kills them all off, leaving one alive so they can run around like a horse's ass and send us on our way home so we can write a letter to the studio demanding our money back. THE STRANGERS is no different, just without the demand for a refund, okay? We need more movies like this. So write a letter to the CEO of whatever-the-fuck company made this film and tell him we need more like them. Just trust me on this. I said it so it has to be true.
Many of them are cautionary tales. Messages vary from: "Hey, don't be a dick or some maniac will cut your head off" to "Hey, don't be a dick or a monster will eat your head." What can I say? The horror genre is a versatile one. And if THE STRANGERS could be seen as a cautionary tale, its message is this:
"YOU SHOULDN'T SMOKE. IT MAKES YOU A DICK. PLUS, IF YOU SMOKE, OR LEAVE YOUR HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT TO PICK UP SMOKES, THREE MASKED MANIACS WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE, BANG ON YOUR DOOR ASKING FOR SOME GIRL WHO DOESN'T EXIST AND PROCEED TO TORMENT YOU UNTIL DAWN ."
This film was a bit more expansive on the themes of comeuppance. I don't know. That's the way I saw it, at least.
In other horror films, you want these people to get sliced the fuck up. Doesn't matter the sin: Fuckers, drinkers, stoners, smokers, etc. Whatever the sin is, they're gonna be punished for it 'cause to Hollywood, murder is a victimless crime. And it's goddamn great entertainment. Watching unlikable people hit the bucket is a universal fantasy, one we sadly can't live out in real life 'cause modern day forensics are so advanced we'd eventually go to jail for commiting these acts, regardless of how meticulous we'd be carrying them out. And it's a damn shame, really. The government has sucked all the fun out of life, I tell ya.
That's not THE STRANGERS. From the very get-go, there is a tension and atmosphere not inherent in many other horror films. This film builds upon it's characterizations by injecting raw emotion instead of cheap plot devices to make these victims appear to be more than one-dimensional. Instead of wishing them harm to appease our sadistic fantasies, it puts us in their shoes and we begin to root for them to survive. It's a psychological horror film; one that draws on the, "bump-in-the-night" aspect of fear and it's highly effective.
The cinematography is stunning. The "kitchen" scene (you've seen it in the trailer and commercials I'm sure) had the audience screaming unlike anything I've ever seen before in my life. For one thing, what makes this scene so frightening is that the perpetrator of terror (killer, for short) is a bit obscure, out of focus. But when I heard the screaming I thought there was a cobra or some shit loose in the theater and it was slithering up and down the aisles but then I looked harder to see what was going on and I saw that it was some dude in a cheap Scarecrow-wannabe costume chilling out, stalking an unsuspecting Liv Tyler from a distance as she smoked a cigarette in her kitchen. To each their own, I guess.
When I saw the trailer attached to DOOMSDAY and this scene in the trailer flashed on-screen....well. I'm not one to get frightened, scared or spooked very easily. While I thought it was a brilliant scene in the way it was shot and put together, it pissed me off 'cause I was there to see a movie about Rhona Mitra's sports bra, not nearly piss myself in a crowded theater.
Well, it's three in the morning, I can't cut and paste this shit to my computer, so...I'm gonna wrap it up real quick. Plus, I'm not used to making positive comments about anything or anybody whatsoever, so maybe I should just stick with what I know.
In a nutshell, here is the rest of the review I was intending to write but I passed out instead:
Watch for the cameo of Dennis from IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA as the victim of a shotgun blast to the face; his career is going places...The end sucks...alot of buildup with no genuine pay-off...dialogue and performances are good but the director and screenwriter clearly didn't know how to wrap up his story so several instances of deus ex machina plagued the film towards the anti-climatic finale...not alot of blood...it is scary...it builds upon the tension real well...the "strangers" are menacing and grounded in reality...evidently they were students at the same ninja university Bruce Wayne attended in BATMAN BEGINS...The first and second appearance of The Scarecrow-poser are both frightening, even if one of them is predictable...Editing: Good...Cinematography: Fan-fuckin'-tastic...Would've been nice to have had a theme as the glue of every movie is the theme...Skipping record player was a nice, haunting touch...could become a classic in a few years...undeniably a better definition of horror than that gay-ass torture porn shit...I won't sleep for a week I'm so scared...yada, yada, yada.
So until next time: Fuck you, yo' mama, etc. I'm tired.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
Real quick admission: I'm not a very big fan of the horror genre. And that's kind of ironic coming from me, the guy who always mentions murder or death or dismemberment on average of every 1.3 seconds. I don't know. They just aren't for me. I enjoy a severed head or forcible eye removal as much as the next guy, don't get me wrong. I just don't like horror films that much in general. They're often poorly made, financially and structurally; they rarely ever scare me and they're all derivative of each other. Many of them are born out of pure indulgence and exploitation. Honestly, I find most of them insulting in just about every way: Ethically, socially, narratively and artistically...if there is any art to mine from them whatsoever. And many of them are highly misogynistic in nature and those who have known me for some time know that I have nothing but respect for women....
Of course this doesn't mean that there aren't some gems out there. I love Romero's DEAD series. PSYCHO is in the top 20 list of greatest films of all time catalog. ALIEN remains one of my top 10 favorite movies ever made. Raimi's EVIL DEAD trilogy...three words: BRUCE FUCKIN' CAMPBELL. The original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE is a meticulous blend of intentional (and unintentional) dark humor and the macabre. Most other horror films I could care less about.
It is admittedly my least favorite genre of motion pictures, hands down. Though, then again, of every genre of film, horror has the most sub-genres: Body horror, psychological horror, horror-thriller, monster horror, giant monster horror, slasher horror, comedy-horror, torture porn horror (i.e.: death of cinema), etc. My favorite, I guess, would have to be the psychological horror sub-genre. It's the only sub-genre with a sense of sophistication and class, where as the others are mostly about knives-in-the-foreheads and loose women who show us their naughty bits.
And what the shit is all of this torture porn shit? "Hey, let's just cut people to bits and show an incessant amount of gore for no reason!!!!!" It defeats it's purpose: First of all, violence in film has grown so extreme over the years that we've all grown de-sensitized to it. Secondly, we have a little organization in the states called the MPAA (aka pretentious cocksuckers).
Their job is to view and subsequently stamp the movie with an initial to relegate it's release to the intended audience. That means...and I'm talking to you, ya self-indulgent, amateur hack directors, that any "shocking" or "traumatizing" violence would not make it past the censors and it has to be trimmed down or eliminated from the film altogether. And's it is not scary. What's the purpose of creating stark, "graphic" violent films if they aren't at least mildly humorous or entertaining? MUTILATION NOT AS FRIGHTENING AS WHAT CAUSES HUMAN BEINGS TO COMMIT ACTS LIKE THESE.
Actually, you know where torture porn comes from? It's a gathering of burnt-out, movie screenwriters/producers/directors (who may or may not possess a collective IQ that ranges low into the double-digits) sitting around a glass coffee table, cutting up an 8-ball into tiny lines, snorting those lines of yayo and then coming up with the most "creative" ways to kill people off.
I'd go so far as to say that looking at the piss-poor quality of them, the only "shock value" to be derived is having to acknowledge that they were actually made by human hands.
Saw, Hostel, that remake-of-the-week shit. Garbage. All of 'em. Not one good thing can be said about any of these films, whatsoever. Irredeemable in every way possible.
So how was THE STRANGERS?
Ho. Lee. Shit.
This film is getting mixed to mostly bad reviews. And to the snobby, elitist critics who are completely panning it from head to toe, to you I say: Fuck you, and yo' mama. While it is certainly far from a perfect film, any professional critic with an iota of credibility will at least admit that this is a well made film, especially for a first time director. This is a great debut film, I look forward to seeing what other movies he has in store for us. The man clearly has talent for building tension and suspense and he has a wonderful eye for detail. It actually feels like a motion picture, not just an exercise in self-indulgence.
The basis of most horror films are like this: Protagonists (often unlikable assholes...keep this in mind; it comes in later) go somewhere. Add supernatural/psychotic/alien element that hunts them down and kills them all off, leaving one alive so they can run around like a horse's ass and send us on our way home so we can write a letter to the studio demanding our money back. THE STRANGERS is no different, just without the demand for a refund, okay? We need more movies like this. So write a letter to the CEO of whatever-the-fuck company made this film and tell him we need more like them. Just trust me on this. I said it so it has to be true.
Many of them are cautionary tales. Messages vary from: "Hey, don't be a dick or some maniac will cut your head off" to "Hey, don't be a dick or a monster will eat your head." What can I say? The horror genre is a versatile one. And if THE STRANGERS could be seen as a cautionary tale, its message is this:
"YOU SHOULDN'T SMOKE. IT MAKES YOU A DICK. PLUS, IF YOU SMOKE, OR LEAVE YOUR HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT TO PICK UP SMOKES, THREE MASKED MANIACS WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE, BANG ON YOUR DOOR ASKING FOR SOME GIRL WHO DOESN'T EXIST AND PROCEED TO TORMENT YOU UNTIL DAWN ."
This film was a bit more expansive on the themes of comeuppance. I don't know. That's the way I saw it, at least.
In other horror films, you want these people to get sliced the fuck up. Doesn't matter the sin: Fuckers, drinkers, stoners, smokers, etc. Whatever the sin is, they're gonna be punished for it 'cause to Hollywood, murder is a victimless crime. And it's goddamn great entertainment. Watching unlikable people hit the bucket is a universal fantasy, one we sadly can't live out in real life 'cause modern day forensics are so advanced we'd eventually go to jail for commiting these acts, regardless of how meticulous we'd be carrying them out. And it's a damn shame, really. The government has sucked all the fun out of life, I tell ya.
That's not THE STRANGERS. From the very get-go, there is a tension and atmosphere not inherent in many other horror films. This film builds upon it's characterizations by injecting raw emotion instead of cheap plot devices to make these victims appear to be more than one-dimensional. Instead of wishing them harm to appease our sadistic fantasies, it puts us in their shoes and we begin to root for them to survive. It's a psychological horror film; one that draws on the, "bump-in-the-night" aspect of fear and it's highly effective.
The cinematography is stunning. The "kitchen" scene (you've seen it in the trailer and commercials I'm sure) had the audience screaming unlike anything I've ever seen before in my life. For one thing, what makes this scene so frightening is that the perpetrator of terror (killer, for short) is a bit obscure, out of focus. But when I heard the screaming I thought there was a cobra or some shit loose in the theater and it was slithering up and down the aisles but then I looked harder to see what was going on and I saw that it was some dude in a cheap Scarecrow-wannabe costume chilling out, stalking an unsuspecting Liv Tyler from a distance as she smoked a cigarette in her kitchen. To each their own, I guess.
When I saw the trailer attached to DOOMSDAY and this scene in the trailer flashed on-screen....well. I'm not one to get frightened, scared or spooked very easily. While I thought it was a brilliant scene in the way it was shot and put together, it pissed me off 'cause I was there to see a movie about Rhona Mitra's sports bra, not nearly piss myself in a crowded theater.
Well, it's three in the morning, I can't cut and paste this shit to my computer, so...I'm gonna wrap it up real quick. Plus, I'm not used to making positive comments about anything or anybody whatsoever, so maybe I should just stick with what I know.
In a nutshell, here is the rest of the review I was intending to write but I passed out instead:
Watch for the cameo of Dennis from IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA as the victim of a shotgun blast to the face; his career is going places...The end sucks...alot of buildup with no genuine pay-off...dialogue and performances are good but the director and screenwriter clearly didn't know how to wrap up his story so several instances of deus ex machina plagued the film towards the anti-climatic finale...not alot of blood...it is scary...it builds upon the tension real well...the "strangers" are menacing and grounded in reality...evidently they were students at the same ninja university Bruce Wayne attended in BATMAN BEGINS...The first and second appearance of The Scarecrow-poser are both frightening, even if one of them is predictable...Editing: Good...Cinematography: Fan-fuckin'-tastic...Would've been nice to have had a theme as the glue of every movie is the theme...Skipping record player was a nice, haunting touch...could become a classic in a few years...undeniably a better definition of horror than that gay-ass torture porn shit...I won't sleep for a week I'm so scared...yada, yada, yada.
So until next time: Fuck you, yo' mama, etc. I'm tired.
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
REVENGE OF THE LEDGOKER
THE LEDGOKER
Two months to go for that DARK KNIGHT movie. I know many of you are looking forward to it. "When's the Dark Knight coming out, RFB? When's the knight getting dark, RFB? Are you gonna wear your Doberman pincher mask to the midnight showing, RFB? Blah, blah, blah." Many of you have seen the new trailer. Many of you probably popped a boner sandwich or cheered when you saw that now-iconic shot of Batman gliding above Hong-Kong (yes, Hong-Kong, not Gotham City….you can see the sign of Japanese hieroglyphics or whatever-the-fuck you call them when he's hovering besides the one building in the trailer).
Anyhoo, in the interest of things, I have to bring this up 'cause it's kind of the elephant in the room so to speak. Good ol' Heath Ledger. He went from a token heartthrob in 10 Things I Hate About You to redefining "sheep-herding" in Brokeback Mountain.
In short, he's versatile. As in was.
In case you didn't hear, he died. He was an unconventional movie actor; a fervent method actor meaning he really did give Donnie Darko a cleft asshole in Brokeback. At least that's what my sources told me. Anyhoo, he is in this movie as The Ledgoker and he looks good. So more power to him. Even though he's dead. He developed insomnia while shooting this movie and he needed to sleep. So…that's what he's doing now. He got what he wanted so…I don't know. Great success, I guess. I'm happy for him.
Seriously, though. (wHy sO SEriOUs?) From what I've seen, I love his Joker. (Love that Joker!) And here is the thing many of you may not know: You're not supposed to like the motherfucker. (THIS TOWN NEEDS A…Alright. I'll stop now.) I absolutely love him, but I'm also a sadistic prick who thrives off of other people's misery. Oh, well. You know what they say. Nobody is perfect.
I wasn't completely sold with Ledger as The Ledgoker until this trailer. There is a line where he says something like: "This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I'm gonna give it to 'em. You'll see. I'll show you." Imagine Jack Nicholson with that line in the original BATMAN. Sarcasm comes to mind, right? Perhaps a sense of self-awareness?
The Ledgoker isn't like that. He delivers this line straightforward, as if he were dedicating some vocal love for his puppy or something. As if it's some predestined duty for him to thrust Gotham into a state of panic and disorder, and like all contingent workers, he's more than happy to oblige.
He's not cracking a joke: HE FUCKIN' MEANS IT. And when The Ledgoker does crack a joke, I guarantee you it will be after he does something seriously fucked up like…I don't know. Blowing up the whole GODDAMN GOTHAM GENERAL HOSPITAL KILLING EVERY MOTHERFUCKER INSIDE!!! Which, I assure you, he does. So he cracks a corny joke, blows up something large, runs down a street whilst peppered in clown make-up and sprays a stream of machine gun fire into random people, etc. This is all inference as I've yet to see the film. But that's what I want. That's what I'm paying for. I'm not asking for a lot here. Come on. I wanna have some pure 100% Americana fun here. (Stock entertainment value of watching sheeple suffer/die. Don't be a prude.)
And furthermore…dammit. You gotta admire that kind of commitment. "I'm gonna blow up the whole hospital 'cause I'm supposed to." Most people would cower away and make irrelevant excuses like, "That's wrong" or "…it's too messy". Come on, folks. Time to grow up. Let's make an attempt to be responsible and to do the right thing for America, the world, the children, etc. Our paradigm of work ethic has faded in this country and it's sad. Imagine how much better the nation would be if everybody was like The Ledgoker.
And to parallel that, Heath Ledger was so committed that he died for this role. You know how in Dead Man's Chest, Johnny Depp sacrificed his life so he could be eaten by a giant sea monster in the biggest instance of Deus Ex Machina in cinema history? Yeah. Well fuck that guy. Heath Ledger died so he could bring you the greatest, most balls-out goddamned Ledgoker the world has ever seen. This is brilliant marketing here. Why don't we replace Brandon Routh with Ashton Kutcher for the next Superman movie titled: Superman Returns Again--But-this-time-he-does-more-than-lifts-heavy-shit. And Ashton will get so into-character that eventually he'll realize that he can't act at all, so he'll off himself…achieving a self-fulfilling prophecy that could only be valued as an overdue public service.
This could start a new trend…I certainly hope it picks up. It's fuckin' awesome. I'm disappointed that Warner Bros. hasn't capitalized on this "tragedy" more. You know? People that weren't interested in this film are gonna go see it just 'cause they like Heath and are interested in the performance.
DEAD ACTOR + MORE PEOPLE AT THE OPENING SHOW RUINING MY DARK KNIGHT EXPERIENCE=MORE MONEY.
So, shame on you, Warner. You're slacking. You have a large fanbase here and the last thing you want to do is alienate them.
Anyhoo, The Dark Knight is a like an art house flick concealed through subterfuge. It has it all. Sociopolitical commentary. Psychological elements. Explosions. Killer clowns (but not from outer space). And Christian Bale in a Doberman pincher costume, reciting sociopolitical verbatim while kicking the shit out of psycho killer clowns not-from-outer-space.
In short, the essential makings of a great motion picture experience.
I have no doubt this film will push the envelope for the PG-13 rating ala War of the Worlds or Cloverfield. The Joker is very much an R-rated character in a PG-13 world. And I like that. TDK is gonna be a psychological, dangerous-thought film like A CLOCKWORK ORANGE or FIGHT CLUB. Take for instance: I recently came across a conceptual picture of Two-Face and the only thing I can say is: Ho. Lee. Shit. I can see exactly why they are keeping the character so heavily under wrap 'cause kids are gonna have nightmares over this grotesque motherfucker.
If you're not there on midnight July 17th, what're gonna tell your children? "I missed THE DARK KNIGHT (i.e.: BIGGEST GODDAMNED MOVIE OF THE DECADE) opening night 'cause I was too busy downloading Akon's new album to my iPod?" What the shit is that shit? Go see the goddamned movie 'cause I said so. This is The Empire Strikes Back of our time. I am the leading authority on Batman. Trust me. I am asked at least once a day when the new Batman is coming out. July 18th. Asshole. Apparently I'm the only one that knows this. So your ass better be at the theater because asking me would be an exercise in futility if you are not there opening night. Don't allow my intimate knowledge of The Batman to be wasted here, people.
This is my (BOURNE) ultimatum. If you don't see this film opening night, it's going to get ugly. I mean, Chloe Lattanzi from MTV's ROCK THE CRADLE ugly. Nonetheless, even though she is kind of grotesque, I'd still hit it. Pretty eyes. Misshaped head, though. I don't mean to go off on a little tangent or even end on this note, but…well…it's somewhat relevant. If they made a sequel, they could cast her as Harley Quinn. She could pull it off based on looks alone. Most horrific looking villain this side of The Predator, I think.
P.S.: Google her name real quick and browse the images. You're bound to run into a few images of the puppet from the SAW movies.
…On second thought, never mind. Even I'm not that desperate. (I'm just joking. I really am. So I'd hit it, I guess. I don't know.)
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
P.S.: To end my criticism on the Ledgoker, I would like to send you off with a little anecdote. The other night, a commercial for the movie popped up and the girl I was with (don't worry about who she was…okay…It was my mom) and she asked if this was a commercial for Batman. And I thought to myself, "Okay. 1) You have Christian Bale in a Doberman pincher outfit crashing on top of moving vans and 2) You have Heath Ledger in clown make-up talking about how he is gonna kill people and then firing an RPG at a black hummer/hybrid tank. Unless the Ringling Bros. have completely changed up their routine or act, I would think this would HAVE to be THE DARK KNIGHT. This ain't the fuckin' circus, ma!!! I mean, I kind of wish this was a new circus act 'cause that shit would be awesome, ya know? Sexy male icon in a Doberman pincher outfit, cruising around in his fuel-efficient hummer/ tank hybrid and a killer clown (not from outer space) firing rockets at the crowd. You just know you'd pay to see that shit up close.
That's what I think! I guess.
Two months to go for that DARK KNIGHT movie. I know many of you are looking forward to it. "When's the Dark Knight coming out, RFB? When's the knight getting dark, RFB? Are you gonna wear your Doberman pincher mask to the midnight showing, RFB? Blah, blah, blah." Many of you have seen the new trailer. Many of you probably popped a boner sandwich or cheered when you saw that now-iconic shot of Batman gliding above Hong-Kong (yes, Hong-Kong, not Gotham City….you can see the sign of Japanese hieroglyphics or whatever-the-fuck you call them when he's hovering besides the one building in the trailer).
Anyhoo, in the interest of things, I have to bring this up 'cause it's kind of the elephant in the room so to speak. Good ol' Heath Ledger. He went from a token heartthrob in 10 Things I Hate About You to redefining "sheep-herding" in Brokeback Mountain.
In short, he's versatile. As in was.
In case you didn't hear, he died. He was an unconventional movie actor; a fervent method actor meaning he really did give Donnie Darko a cleft asshole in Brokeback. At least that's what my sources told me. Anyhoo, he is in this movie as The Ledgoker and he looks good. So more power to him. Even though he's dead. He developed insomnia while shooting this movie and he needed to sleep. So…that's what he's doing now. He got what he wanted so…I don't know. Great success, I guess. I'm happy for him.
Seriously, though. (wHy sO SEriOUs?) From what I've seen, I love his Joker. (Love that Joker!) And here is the thing many of you may not know: You're not supposed to like the motherfucker. (THIS TOWN NEEDS A…Alright. I'll stop now.) I absolutely love him, but I'm also a sadistic prick who thrives off of other people's misery. Oh, well. You know what they say. Nobody is perfect.
I wasn't completely sold with Ledger as The Ledgoker until this trailer. There is a line where he says something like: "This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I'm gonna give it to 'em. You'll see. I'll show you." Imagine Jack Nicholson with that line in the original BATMAN. Sarcasm comes to mind, right? Perhaps a sense of self-awareness?
The Ledgoker isn't like that. He delivers this line straightforward, as if he were dedicating some vocal love for his puppy or something. As if it's some predestined duty for him to thrust Gotham into a state of panic and disorder, and like all contingent workers, he's more than happy to oblige.
He's not cracking a joke: HE FUCKIN' MEANS IT. And when The Ledgoker does crack a joke, I guarantee you it will be after he does something seriously fucked up like…I don't know. Blowing up the whole GODDAMN GOTHAM GENERAL HOSPITAL KILLING EVERY MOTHERFUCKER INSIDE!!! Which, I assure you, he does. So he cracks a corny joke, blows up something large, runs down a street whilst peppered in clown make-up and sprays a stream of machine gun fire into random people, etc. This is all inference as I've yet to see the film. But that's what I want. That's what I'm paying for. I'm not asking for a lot here. Come on. I wanna have some pure 100% Americana fun here. (Stock entertainment value of watching sheeple suffer/die. Don't be a prude.)
And furthermore…dammit. You gotta admire that kind of commitment. "I'm gonna blow up the whole hospital 'cause I'm supposed to." Most people would cower away and make irrelevant excuses like, "That's wrong" or "…it's too messy". Come on, folks. Time to grow up. Let's make an attempt to be responsible and to do the right thing for America, the world, the children, etc. Our paradigm of work ethic has faded in this country and it's sad. Imagine how much better the nation would be if everybody was like The Ledgoker.
And to parallel that, Heath Ledger was so committed that he died for this role. You know how in Dead Man's Chest, Johnny Depp sacrificed his life so he could be eaten by a giant sea monster in the biggest instance of Deus Ex Machina in cinema history? Yeah. Well fuck that guy. Heath Ledger died so he could bring you the greatest, most balls-out goddamned Ledgoker the world has ever seen. This is brilliant marketing here. Why don't we replace Brandon Routh with Ashton Kutcher for the next Superman movie titled: Superman Returns Again--But-this-time-he-does-more-than-lifts-heavy-shit. And Ashton will get so into-character that eventually he'll realize that he can't act at all, so he'll off himself…achieving a self-fulfilling prophecy that could only be valued as an overdue public service.
This could start a new trend…I certainly hope it picks up. It's fuckin' awesome. I'm disappointed that Warner Bros. hasn't capitalized on this "tragedy" more. You know? People that weren't interested in this film are gonna go see it just 'cause they like Heath and are interested in the performance.
DEAD ACTOR + MORE PEOPLE AT THE OPENING SHOW RUINING MY DARK KNIGHT EXPERIENCE=MORE MONEY.
So, shame on you, Warner. You're slacking. You have a large fanbase here and the last thing you want to do is alienate them.
Anyhoo, The Dark Knight is a like an art house flick concealed through subterfuge. It has it all. Sociopolitical commentary. Psychological elements. Explosions. Killer clowns (but not from outer space). And Christian Bale in a Doberman pincher costume, reciting sociopolitical verbatim while kicking the shit out of psycho killer clowns not-from-outer-space.
In short, the essential makings of a great motion picture experience.
I have no doubt this film will push the envelope for the PG-13 rating ala War of the Worlds or Cloverfield. The Joker is very much an R-rated character in a PG-13 world. And I like that. TDK is gonna be a psychological, dangerous-thought film like A CLOCKWORK ORANGE or FIGHT CLUB. Take for instance: I recently came across a conceptual picture of Two-Face and the only thing I can say is: Ho. Lee. Shit. I can see exactly why they are keeping the character so heavily under wrap 'cause kids are gonna have nightmares over this grotesque motherfucker.
If you're not there on midnight July 17th, what're gonna tell your children? "I missed THE DARK KNIGHT (i.e.: BIGGEST GODDAMNED MOVIE OF THE DECADE) opening night 'cause I was too busy downloading Akon's new album to my iPod?" What the shit is that shit? Go see the goddamned movie 'cause I said so. This is The Empire Strikes Back of our time. I am the leading authority on Batman. Trust me. I am asked at least once a day when the new Batman is coming out. July 18th. Asshole. Apparently I'm the only one that knows this. So your ass better be at the theater because asking me would be an exercise in futility if you are not there opening night. Don't allow my intimate knowledge of The Batman to be wasted here, people.
This is my (BOURNE) ultimatum. If you don't see this film opening night, it's going to get ugly. I mean, Chloe Lattanzi from MTV's ROCK THE CRADLE ugly. Nonetheless, even though she is kind of grotesque, I'd still hit it. Pretty eyes. Misshaped head, though. I don't mean to go off on a little tangent or even end on this note, but…well…it's somewhat relevant. If they made a sequel, they could cast her as Harley Quinn. She could pull it off based on looks alone. Most horrific looking villain this side of The Predator, I think.
P.S.: Google her name real quick and browse the images. You're bound to run into a few images of the puppet from the SAW movies.
…On second thought, never mind. Even I'm not that desperate. (I'm just joking. I really am. So I'd hit it, I guess. I don't know.)
--Don't die in a fire.--
RFB
P.S.: To end my criticism on the Ledgoker, I would like to send you off with a little anecdote. The other night, a commercial for the movie popped up and the girl I was with (don't worry about who she was…okay…It was my mom) and she asked if this was a commercial for Batman. And I thought to myself, "Okay. 1) You have Christian Bale in a Doberman pincher outfit crashing on top of moving vans and 2) You have Heath Ledger in clown make-up talking about how he is gonna kill people and then firing an RPG at a black hummer/hybrid tank. Unless the Ringling Bros. have completely changed up their routine or act, I would think this would HAVE to be THE DARK KNIGHT. This ain't the fuckin' circus, ma!!! I mean, I kind of wish this was a new circus act 'cause that shit would be awesome, ya know? Sexy male icon in a Doberman pincher outfit, cruising around in his fuel-efficient hummer/ tank hybrid and a killer clown (not from outer space) firing rockets at the crowd. You just know you'd pay to see that shit up close.
That's what I think! I guess.
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