THE HAPPENING

THE WHAT'S-GOING-ON?

Jesus jumped-up Christ with a jump-rope and crackers. M. Night Shyamalan's latest THE WHAT'S-GOING-ON? is a travesty of motion picture. This is a movie that is so bad that I fervently believe that it is not by accident. Nobody can make a movie this bad unless they set out to make a movie this bad. And I loved every second of it. Not because I could laugh at the absurdity or unintentional laughter this film provokes. Oh, no. I loved it 'cause this is the official career death rattle of an arrogant hack, one-trick-pony moviemaker who insists that he shares a "secret" formula that only he and Spielberg are in on.


With WHAT'S-GOING-ON?, Shyamalan has proven that he is not only full of shit, but full of himself. Unless this is his idea of a sick joke or an experimental endeavor to emulate and "best" the low-level quality of the worst directed B-movies ever conceived, then I have no respect for the prick. I believe the man has talent, but refuses to challenge himself or attempt to delve into versatility as an auteur. And his work has grown stale; it's perfunctory. He's a grade-A, know-it-all asshole, and I believe that at this point, he's the only motherfucker on the face of the planet that still believes his own hyperbolic "craftsmanship" as a filmmaker.


For fuck's sake. Shyamalan is so uncreative at this point in his "career" that he can't even come up with a strong title for this one. THE HAPPENING. Boy, that'll pack the theaters full! That's, like, the worst title in the history of film. Bar none. Even worse than A SOUND OF THUNDER or SNAKES ON A PLANE. And it did not pack the theater full. I saw a matinee and there were maybe 10 people in the theater at most.


What's the plot? Wait...there was a plot? As I watched in disbelief, this was simply a story about underdeveloped, grating characters trying to outrun gusts of wind. Oh, well. That's about it. Not as exciting as it sounds, I can assure you of that. But that's okay. Not every movie can be as exciting as MIAMI VICE or Ang Lee's HULK, regardless of how hard the filmmakers may try.


Marky Mark delivers a performance for the ages. His line delivery dethrones Winona Ryder in any film she has ever desecrated with her presence. It's that good *cough*bad*cough* that he will most likely visit the podium to accept an award next season.


The Golden Raspberry awards, I mean.


Then again, it's really not his fault. The poor guy, along with the rest of the cast, don't have a lot to work with. The performances are universally horrid. In the world of this movie, mass suicides must be frequent as none of the characters respond realistically whatsoever. The deaths aren't stark or brutal...they're laughable. As the movie drags the fuck along, they become even more absurd...thus providing more laughing stock. This is not just because of the lack of creativity behind them...there is nothing at stake. If THE HAPPENING is a vision of the apocalyptic finale of the human race, then I would have to say GOOD RIDDANCE. I had no emotional connection to the characters at all; it didn't matter to me if they lived or died. And to the few supporting characters that did die, I laughed my ass off at them. Not because I'm sadistic, but because they were vacuous archetypes, traversing mundanely through inexplicable, "hazardous" circumstances.


Too much babyfat, too. The subplots in this film offer nothing. The dialogue needs nowhere. I don't give a shit about hot-dogs. I don't care about the disappearance of bees across the nation. Here we have it; a phenomena of mass-suicide sweeping the east coast, and we're stuck here listening to platitudes from the most uninteresting characters in recent memory, minus the SEX IN THE CITY sluts/whores/walking-stds/cunts. John Leguizamo's character may as well not exist, the "tragic" deaths of the two children who travel with Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch was hilarious and really didn't have any empathetic impact, at all. The old lady they encounter at the end is the highlight of this movie. I love this woman. She's so ghoulishly succinct and oblivious to the situation at hand that you can't help but laugh or cheer whenever she appears on-screen.


The "Joey" cheating-wife subplot is retarded; it has no place in the story. Marky Mark fires back with the most uproarious anecdote I've ever heard in my entire life. Problem is that it WASN'T funny; it was a daffy, incoherent limerick that interrupted the imminent doom of the situation. Death is literally on the wind...If I was in that situation I don't think I'd be making corny jokes about cough syrup. I'd be more interested in SURVIVAL or "PAINTING" A MAP OF HAWAII ON THE FACE OF MY SMOKING HOT WIFE BEFORE THE WHOLE GODDAMNED WORLD ENDS!!!


I don't know. Perhaps I'm just a little odd.


I was laughing uncontrollably at the absurdity and piss-poor writing that was presented in front of me. This is unintentional camp-comedy of the highest pedigree. But on a narrative level, seriously, there really is no reason any movie should ever be this nauseating.


All right. I'm finished. Um...horrible. That's all I'm going to say. This movie is Ludivico treatment-quality bad. Forcing somebody to watch this shit against their will would be a crime on par with first-degree rape. Coaxing someone to watch this is as monstrous as administering an impromptu torture session which involves jumper cables, a car battery and the victim's testes.


So thank you once again for your contribution to the world of cinema, Mr. Shyama-la-ma-ding-dong. It's been a delight to watch your candle burn out so embarrassingly--and--deservedly. Go plummet off of a building to your demise, you pretentious prick. At this point, it's the only trick you could pull off and continue to hold my attention. Unlike THE HAPPENING, I wouldn't be ashamed that I wasted 10 bucks for the price of admission, either.


I will more than likely purchase this movie when it is released on DVD (i.e.: five dollar bin at Wally World) and we will all have a BP-sponsored movie night so that we can all drink up and rip this film to shreds MST3K-style. Opportune laughing stock doesn't get much better than this.


Nevertheless, this is one of the worst films of the year *cough*decade*cough.



--Don't die in a fire--unless you're M. Night Shyama-la-ma-ding-dong.--

RFB