BEOWULF

BADWOLF

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My favorite high school teacher was a man named Mr. Hoover. He was out there. He would go on and on and on with his personal philosophical notions to the point that the collective class would fall asleep on their desks. However, I kinda sorta paid attention to him. In fact, I partially credit him on the man I am today. He taught me to "open my mind" and to question things, no matter how insignificant. I remember one of the assignments he gave to us was to read the poem Beowulf.

I didn't really read it. I fact, I didn't read it at all. Somehow, even though I didn't do my work or follow his instructions in this class, I received an A. I always excelled in English class. Go me.

So, when I heard Robert Zemeckis was going to do a cinematic adaptation of the legendary poem, I was stoked. Looking at the concept art of Grendel and his nudist, dirty filthy whore of a mother definitely had me stoked. Then I saw the finished product. Now all I can say is, meh. "BADWOLF" was released in three formats on November 16th: IMAX 3D, REALD and digital. Having seen the film twice, once in normal digital and RealD, it's kinda lame. From what the information I gather, the poem is supossedly EPIC. It spans several decades and takes place in different regions, even. This film feels a bit campy. While it spans several decades, roughly 99.9% of this flaming turd takes place in ORGY CENTRAL, this hall of decadence lifted directly from the production designs of THE LORD OF THE RINGS. There is a cave and some trees. Some ocean, too. That's about it.

The previews are a bit vague, so I'm gonna be a nice guy and spit out the description for you: An animated family film featuring the narrator of How the Grinch stole Christmas as a real-estate tyrant who hosts wild, howling toga parties, get's inebriated to the point where he passes out and fondles Sean Penn's didn't-age-very-well spouse. This doesn't hold well with his resting cave-dwelling neighbor named Grendel, who busts into the hall and dismembers the grating party-goers rather then registering a complaint with local law-enforcement. So, like any pompous over-privileged dick, the tyrant hires mercenaries from all over to kill the guy. When the ill-tempered neighbor catches these guys trespassing on his property, he rips them to shreds off-screen. Hope is rekindled for the kingdom with the arrival of a chiseled mythomaniac Nazi-poster child who spastically shouts his name three or four-hundred times throughout the duration of the movie.

This is where the film is at least somewhat interesting and relevent. You see, we have a big problem in America: Asshole neighbors. With them making too much noise, their dogs leaving fecal matter in your lawn and posessing an unbelievably hot wife even though the guy's a borderline retard...it's unbareable sometimes. However, the second half of the film is where it gets boring. The whole film hecomes a metaphor about how power corrupts and how legends are sometimes exagerrated and blah, blah, blah. These are not universal subjects for the average movie-goer. I've seen this shit before but in better movies like DEAD MAN'S CHEST AND SPIDER-MAN 3. The fantasy genre frequently visits themes such as this. Try something different, will ya? The relationship between neighbors is a good example; it is safe to say that it has never been touched upon in a fantasy film. Go for something bordering self-parody, even. The Austin Powers fight between Grendel and a butt-naked BADWOLF is undeniably homoerotic, with his six-pack and big muscles. All that gay shit. His presumably large cock is flopping back and forth during the fight and the camera continues to block it by conveniently inserting items such as swords in front of his junk. But this isn't done to expose the hypocritical MPAA for accepting on-screen ultra-violence over innocuous, freely-exposed cock...or to examine the frivolity of bareasses and swinging dicks back in the dark ages. It was done clearly to attain a PG-13 rating. Homoeroticism, however, is a relevent topic nowadays, just watch the Bravo network and tell me this isn't true. Go with it.

The central theme, POWER...how is the corruption of power gonna affect my life in anyway? Am I gonna be promoted to deli manager and with it earn a set income with which I'm able to afford the payments of a Dodge Durango? What? Am I gonna buy a bowl of Chili con carne from Taco Bell that's so delicious that it goes to my head when I brag about having eaten the greatest Chili con carne ever known to man? Hell, Taco Bell doesn't even serve Chili con carne.

I do, however, have to put up with asshole neighbors. I live in an apartment complex and a group of asshole mexicans just moved in above me. So now I have to deal with incessantly loud snoring at night and Ricky Martin discoes at the crack of dawn. I wanna pull a Grendel sometimes. Back on track: After Grendel dies, his over-protective mother gets angry and begins to terrorize the kingdom. So, BADWOLF embarks on an epic journey up a hill to enter her domain and hack her to pieces with a sword the guy from BEING JOHN MALKOVICH gave him. In the cave, he finds the hottest piece of ass in the known world and instead of piercing her chest with his blade, he pierces her gash with his cock. And inexplicably, for no reason whatsoever, the narrator jumps off the castle wall, BADWOLF inherits the real-estate company, time flashes forward a few decades and BADWOLF is grizzled and guilty 'cause he lied all of these years about killing Mrs. Brad Pitt. Then a rival pyromaniac flying lizard emerges from Grendel's old crib and lowers the equity value of the community by burning it to the ground. I don't know. The film lost me at this point.

Isn't it bad enough that Hollywood turned Spider-Man into an emo caricature? Excusably, he was one step away from becoming that in the comic books. But is it necessary to turn the original "superhero" into one? This emo fad is just that: A fuckin' fad. You don't have to turn every single goddamn hero into a haunted, guilt-ridden whiner. Note: Pussies (i.e.: men who show emotions) did not exist before the 1960's. If the action heroes of the 80's were representative of the conservative, take-no-prisoner mindset of the era, then the faggy action heroes we're given today are representative of the decline of the American macho male. Tragic. So tragic.

All in all, it's worth seeing in REALD. It's an interesting experience and while the future of cinema is looking kinda dim, at least arrows can now fly past our heads while we watch movies in the theater. IN NO WAY should you see this film in digital. Most of the movie is shot in a way to correspond with the 3D imagery, so it's distracting in regular format. And keep the 3D glasses they hand out to you, folks. You're gonna need 'em next summer when the Brendan Fraser vehicle, JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH is released in 3D. That was a joke.

TWO STARS.