INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...

DR. HENRY JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…


When I was a little boy, I remember watching DR. JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM. It scared the shit out of me when that one dude ripped the heart out of that one dude. I ran to my room and presumably shat my pants and buried my head in the pillows. I don't know. Such a long time ago; I cannot remember.


By the way, this has absolutely nothing to do with the review. I just wanted to share that.


Anyhoo, in order to analyze the fourth installment of DR. HENRY JONES, I must share my opinions on the other films…and I shall do so by using a story of metaphor. The story is about a timeless romance that goes horribly, horribly wrong. Here is how it goes:


MARIACHI=SPIELBERG

MARIA=US (AUDIENCE)

RELATIONSHIP=DR. JONES FILMS…got it?


Once upon a time…there was a mariachi who fell in love with an affluent girl named Maria. He took her out on a couple of dates and she felt that it wouldn't work. But he wooed her by playing an indelible theme on his guitar. So they fell in love, it was great. He hit all the right notes; played the puzzle right. They fell head-over-heels in love with each other and married. I would call this the RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK period of love. Eventually, the two prospered together and he became the owner of a cruise ship service and he had one favorite ship that, on their honeymoon, he took Maria out and all was good, romantic and flawless (take note of this subplot; it'll be important later on).


The TEMPLE OF DOOM period was a bit more complicated, though. The two were going through strife in their marriage. Maria was now finding faults in the relationship and with Mariachi himself. However, regardless of how bad these failings were, she was able to overlook them and continue with the relationship. And the acknowledgment of human frailty gave the relationship a sense of gravitas and complexity, hence strengthening the two and giving their romance a depth it did not have prior.


Then, years later, we have THE LAST CRUSADE where the problems are still there but they've been to therapy, blah, blah, blah and they still enjoy each other's company. The relationship hits a high point when they realize that ALL GOOD THINGS MUST END so they part ways and divorce. They end on a high note, they kiss and hug and all that gay shit. They close out on good terms and Mariachi goes down another road to achieve good fortune.


Well…Mariachi had to be an asshole and reopen this can of worms so he goes back and searches for Maria. And when he finds her, they rekindle their relationship. So, for nostalgic reasons, he takes her out on the same cruise ship as before to celebrate their now defunct anniversary.


And during that time, Mariachi acts a motherfuckin' fool.


He locks Maria into their private suite, bangs every female passenger aboard the ship, drinks all of the alcohol at the bar, he shits in every toilet on-hand and fires off all of the flares…just because he can. Maria is understandably upset at all of this. But he still plays that same song on that old guitar with the intent of atoning for his sins by catering to the nostalgia factor. But it isn't appeasing Maria 'cause all he is doing is making a mockery of everything their relationship once stood for.


The story ends with Mariachi tying Maria to the stern of the boat and as he sails away on his escape dingy as his greatest investment begins to sink, he looks back, waves BON VOYAGE!, gives Maria the middle finger and screams, "FUCK YOU, BITCH! I JUST USED YOU FOR THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


That is DR. JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.


DR. JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE BLAH, BLAH, BLAH is a cruel, sadistic joke created by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas where they grab the audience by the throat, fuck them in the ass and polish them off with a dirty sanchez. And as their flaring by-product sinks into the sea, they pull down their pants and ask us to kiss it.


This is a travesty. I've never been this disappointed with a sequel in my entire life—and I'm not even an avid fan of this series.


Mark your calendars, folks. May 22, 2008 is a day that will live on in infamy. It was the day Cinema truly lost its innocence. The fact that Dr. Jones has another installment and it's this unfathomably awful…it confirms the old American mantra: If it ain't broke, BREAK IT.


THE LAST CRUSADE is a great movie. I absolutely adore it. And I felt that it was a PERFECT way to end the INDIANA JONES series. But no. Spielberg and co. have to go back and completely ruin any and all integrity this series once possessed, all for the sake of the good ol' American dollar. The words INDIANA JONES will no longer be associated with SUPREME ADVENTURE or GODDAMNED GREATEST ACTION SERIES OF ALL TIME. Oh, no. Now any phrase containing the words INDIANA or JONES will now be associated with guilt, shame and disgust.


Supporting characters? Practically non-existant. Flat-out awful. They're introduced as expositional one-dimensional devices used to advance the plodding storyline along. Ray Winstone (Mr. French from THE DEPARTED and the voice of Beowulf in BADWOLF) is an absolutely useless, obnoxious throw-away, indecisive, bi-polar player. Jim Broadbent does absolutely nothing in this film. He must've needed the money really bad. John Hurt acts his character out as stringy autistic-esque comic relief. Needless to say, he overstays his welcome within his introductory scene in the movie. Karen Allen returns merely for the nostalgic value. Marion Ravenwood was amongst the coolest tough women in the history of cinema and in the fourth installment, all she does is drive an armored death vehicle through the Amazon and yell at Shia LeBeouf 'cause he's doesn't know how to comb his hair. Allen would've been better as an obscure cameo; just show up and wink at the camera. That's the whole purpose of her reappearance in the series and it's way too drawn out.


And most importantly, Shia LeBOOF'S character is embarrassingly bad. His introduction sequence is meant to be COOL and ICONIC. Instead, it turns into a joke. He's a greaser; a wannabe tough guy who we find out later is a great big pussy.


In short, "Praise The Beef" (that's what his name means in french and hebrew, respectively, for real) was just playing himself.


Goodness gracious! Never seen that tough guy-with-a-vagina characterization before! Way to go, Spielberg! Not only do you make it evidently clear that you wanna suck this kid's dick several times throughout the movie, but then you gotta hint at him donning the fedora for the next installment. I'd definitely pay to see that (No I wouldn't).


Second, I've tragically seen this piece of garbage twice and the plot still makes absolutely no sense. Once, the midnight showing and the next day I had to take my mom to see it for her b-day. Without doubt, the obligatory second viewing was definintely the most painful "...take one for the team" moment in my entire life.


And the aliens, man…the fuckin' aliens. This is NOT an episode of the X-Files…it's INDIANA FUCKIN' JONES. Artifacts. God. Shomer Fuckin' Shabbos, man. So with that being said, he shouldn't have to face off against martians. The omnipotence of God is an intimidating factor…crystal alien skeletons…not so much. God's a fearful creature. A martian just kidnaps you, places you in his saucer, sticks something in your ass and drops you off on the side of the road. Think of it as a vacation.


Howard Hawks spelt out the formula for a great movie: "Three great scenes, no bad scenes." Yeah. Well this film has a lot of bad scenes. As a matter of fact, I'd say nearly all of the film is a collection of bad sequences, poorly put together, akin to the perfunctory activity of dropping a turd off in the toilet.


This movie makes TEMPLE OF DOOM look like RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK...if that makes any sense whatsoever.


There are two scenes that are so unfathomably bad in this film, both conveniently back-to-back that I will not reveal them here. You have to see them for yourself. Your jaw will drop. The first scene is directly out of a really, really bad version of TRANSFORMERS…you know how that film bogged itself down with lame, uninspired sitcom humor…this film does the same thing at certain moments and it isn't funny. At all. It interrupts the narrative of the film to *gasp* appeal to the nostalgia factor by referencing Jones' phobia of snakes and to make fans of Dane Cook or Carlos Mencia giggle out loud.


This is Spielberg-doing-Michael Bay-doing Spielberg. This is like, if Stanley Kubrick was still alive and emulated the auteurism of Paul W.S. Anderson. What. The. Fuck.


And the scene that follows features hands-down the worst CGI I've seen in my entire life. And it isn't laughable. This is like Greedo-shooting-first cringeworthy bad. And while I'm on it, the CGI in this film is horrible and there is far too much. There is no weight whatsoever when the action sequences play out…it feels like a 16-bit video game…one I wouldn't dare play. At least in TRANSFORMERS the effects held weight, they adhered to the laws of physics so the action did not resemble a cartoon. I'd honestly say that I enjoyed TRANSFORMERS a thousand times more than this one and that it is in every way a superior film to Indiana Jones 4.


Ah…I've wasted too many words and too much time on this review. I know it isn't as well-written or funny as my other reviews, but that's because this film completely shattered my funny bone. When people such as Spielberg and Lucas do things like this (i.e.: Make god-awful movies that "cater" to our childhood memories) just to make money…it's unforgivable. I've now lost any and all respect I once had for George Lucas. People give him a lot of shit for the Star Wars prequels, but at least he was telling a pertinent, analogical story, and for the most part he told it well. There was at least some gravitas evident in the prequel saga and there was a purpose for the story to be told. Kingdom of the blah, blah, blah was all about the Benjamin's. So…with that said, I've also lost a lot of respect for my 3rd or 4th favorite director of all time,Steven Spielberg.


So go ahead and make your movie about Lincoln, asshole. You've made your career-worst film, so there is nowhere up from here. Nonetheless, I won't be there opening day. In no way is the world a better place because of this movie. I'd go so far as to say that the world is now a darker place 'cause it exists.


The saddest part about this whole thing is that people clapped and applauded when it ended. Both times I saw it. And yet, they shun, boo and ridicule the excellent CLOVERFIELD like it was a goddamn plague. It's unfathomable. Like PIRATES 3...I cannot understand how anybody could be entertained by this film. In any way. Neither of the movies in question are funny, they aren't "entertaining" unless you ride on the short bus and they're poorly made in every way possible.


Great cinematic entertainment is officially dead, folks...and civilization is on the brink of collapse. A society is only good as it's art, and right now American art is registering at the scale of zero. Enjoy movies with limp-dicked sitcom humor and poorly structured CGI explosions while you can. Something tells me that the species won't be around much longer.


--Don't die in a fire--

RFB



P.S.: I read somewhere that Harrison Ford doesn't read movie reviews so I guess he'll miss this one. Well, anyhoo...if anybody out there who reads this knows the man personally, you tell him that BP said that your career is now officially dead after starring this vehicle of shit. Your star is dead, Mr. Ford. And your earring sucks. And you were my childhood hero. Not anymore.



Pass it on.

RFB Blockbuster '08 series: IRON MAN

(Author's note: I'm attempting to broaden the demographic of my audience, so I'm gonna speak in internet jargon and e-acronyms and circumvent my use of big words as most of you don't understand what the hell I'm saying. I am also going to shorten the review from it's initial length and be terse—That ADHD thing alienates my target audience. -RFB)


IRON MAN is fly, it's dope, it's off the chain or hook or handle or however you young people talk nowadays. I don't know. It's a badass movie where you will go, "OMFG" and you'll probably "LOL" a few times during the film. I wouldn't recommend "ROFL" because the theaters aren't cleaned as well as they should be...plus you'd disturb the other attendees in the auditorium and that's kind of a dick move. You may pound fists with whoever accompanies you during certain moments…In short: It's awesome.

Robert Downey Jr. plays a wealthy, wise-cracking dick that builds a suit of golden, reddish armor and decides to quit being such a wise-cracking dick (he keeps the wealth, though) so he can cruise around creating sonic booms in mid-air and fire rockets at Middle-Easterns while clad in his brand-spanking new outfit. Then The Dude shaves his head and gets a hold of an armored suit himself…which happens to be bigger and more menacing. Less colorful, though. This rivalry of who has the better Robocop Halloween costume culminates in a great big, shiny, metallic dick showing contest where there are explosions, ass-kicking and flying debris all around. And it's awesome. Hell yeah.

With Wall-E, Indiana Jones, The Dark Knight and Sex and the City being released in the upcoming months, the blockbusters this season are gonna be as tight as your mama's pussy in the seventh grade. LOL!

Just awesome.

--Don't die in a fire.--

RFB

P.S.: If you're a fan of the MARVEL universe, stick around for the end credits. Even if you're not a fan, do so anyway. Not to give too much away but it features one of the greatest cameos in movie history and will give you a Red Bull-level jolt when it reveals that there are bigger things to come for us united comic book fans.